One of my cousins and I are now quite close. Even though we actually grew up and still live in different countries our lives ended up running comparatively parallel: when we were married…when we started having children. …how long we were married. We only saw each other every 5-10 years at a family reunion, family funeral or visiting each other as we were passing through where each other lived.
Within 5 months of each other our worlds crashed. Mine…my husband dropped dead. Hers…..her husband walked out from the marriage.
We now stay in touch with each other daily via social media and the periodic phone call. Not only have we cried together (often), shared our hardships (often), discussed our daily lives and our adult children (often)….at 8 years out we finally (quite frequently) laugh and talk about the good moments that we are finding in life as two 60 year old grandmas. I’m SO grateful I have her for support.
I have one other close long-time friend who provides reciprocol support. She lives with two painful things: the early death of her 1st husband and a sudden divorce in the 2nd brief marriage.
All three of us women are solid, fun, productive, creative Christian women who depend upon each other.
For me, hearing and sharing other’s pain through our not-completely-similar losses has frequently left me to ponder…. “Is it better to have lost your husband through death when he still loved you?” …..OR….”Is it better to have lost your husband in divorce when he walked away for another woman?”
LOSS THROUGH an unwanted DEATH:
- Never seeing them again, never hearing their voice again (unless you are lucky enough to have videos of them)
- Never watching them walk across a room…seeing their stance and those movements and expressions that made them them
- Never seeing their handwriting unless you look at the signatures you might see on your House or Car Loans or Birthday Cards that you’ve saved
- The formal family photo (taken just months before he passed) now starting to look ancient…the two young grandchildren in that past-years photo now being tall teenagers
- My new apprehension-hurdle of considering another professional family photo…which will only accentuate time without him
- Never smelling the skin of my loved one again
- The deceased loved one missing out on the grandchildren’s births, birthday parties, graduations, weddings and Holidays
- Being blessed to continue living in the home we built/shared…constantly aware of his absence yet somehow that home is full of him
- Enjoying the happy and sad life-memories and quoting him often
- Knowing he adored me and was committed to me
- Growing….but truthfully it’s not a “new life”….it’s just adjusting, forming, and expanding around the inner core of losing the man who was the core of my life for a long stretch of time
- My kids and grandkids are missing out on a relationship with him.
- Stupidly thinking I’d be thrilled sky-high to just be able to see him ….even to just watch him from a distance.…even if we weren’t married anymore because of death
- Having the random surprising dreams that leave me broken for the entire following day (that dream of unexpectedly seeing him somewhere….he silently recognizes me…..he intently watches my activities….but he doesn’t come in close for a personal moment with me…there’s always a gap/barrier between us in these dreams)
LOSS THROUGH an Undesired DIVORCE:
- Maybe, “luckily”, if there’s not children involved, that is, the ex runs off and disappears
- Feeling the continuous twisting knife of rejection in your heart
- Maybe running into the ex at a restaurant….being forced to greet him or go hide…both situations being painful
- Your self esteem being slaughtered
- Maybe seeing your ex with their new lover or new spouse
- The pain of your children calling another woman “mommy” or “mom”
- If you share custody of young children, having to work together and successfully parent together ….but separately
- The reoccurring anger brewing and the pain welling up inside while being at joint events of your children….those concerts, graduations, funerals and future weddings
- Not wanting to look at past family photos…he’s in the formal photos
- The meer fact that with having children, even grandchildren, together…. he will always be in your life
- The hidden conflict of being happy he’s still “in your life” while still very much resenting that he tossed aside your vows and commitment
- The dividing of assets ….that’s a whole other topic
Just writing out these two comparables makes my heart drop. Please note: In all earlier-mentioned- family/friend-three-scenarios… the death and divorces were sudden and unforeseen.
In my viewpoint…both death and divorce holds its deep painful sorrow, inner conflict and ugliness. There is no win. Loss sucks.
Even years later, I’m still finding that Loren’s death has exposed my selfishness and an insecurity that I must work through and grow thru. The now-challenge of not turning in to a self-centered woman is frequent….the constant weighing of my independence without the sound marital relationship-balance….the ongoing growth that is required for me to remain stable and be the example that Christ would want me to be….yet the required element of pride and confidence that is necessary to be a functional single woman in her 60’s…a woman who most likely won’t be starting over.
Thank God for my girlfriends and family who heart-share this journey. Thank God that He understands my mortality and limited understanding. Thank God for our Home that awaits us in Heaven.
Julia,
Your post brings out accurate points about the differences and similarities between loosing a husband through death or through divorce. Both bring their own form of pain and challenges. I’ve dealt with both kinds of losses. For me, dealing with the loss through divorce has been harder in many ways. I was married to my first husband, Roger Stolley, for a little over 24 years which led to divorce. He was involved with many women, off and on, even lived with another married woman for a month during our marriage. That left me feeling unloved, abandoned, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s), embarrassed, wondering why he did not feel like I was enough for him, betrayed, and I dealt with a lot of anger, etc. It would have helped if Roger would have had a genuine faith in Jesus, instead of pretending (at first) to have a relationship with Jesus. I was Roger’s second wife. Roger was engaged to his third wife shortly before our divorce was final and they were married on Valentine’s Day, less than six weeks after our divorce was final. Roger is the father of our two sons. Will was 18 years old and Rich was 13 years old when we separated for the second and final time. Our sons had to adjust to a step mom. Roger was married to Sally, his third wife for about seven years. It was a challenge when he did not want to have both of us in the family wedding pictures when our oldest son, Will, was married. He did relent and agree to have both of us in Will’s wedding picture. Sally told him to basically buck up and behave himself, that there were going to be family occassions when he and I would be attending family functions that would require his being civil when around me. Having sons together does tie us together for life in many ways. Our sons had to adjust to another step mom, Roger’s, fourth wife, Diana, when they got married. Roger and Diana seem to be a better match. They have been married something like 20 years now. The live in Florida now, so, I don’t have to deal with running into them around town or at family functions.
I was single for about 14 years when my second husband, Bob Atkinson, and I were married. Bob and I genually loved each other. I felt cherished by Bob. Bob was faithful to me during our marriage. That was a precious blessing. Loosing Bob through death was so final. It does help to have memories of him truely loving me and knowing that Bob is in heaven. We shared a similar faith in Jesus, which is a comfort.
The loss through divorce left lots of emotional scars, struggles to trust other men, etc. The loss through death, of my second husband, though hard has left me feeling loved by Bob, and more emotionally stable, willing to trust men (depending on God’s wisdom to protect me from any further scamming men [was scammed badly by one man who claimed to love me]), and to be open to love another man again.
Karen, I love that you always respond. Every person who has gone through a divorce or death has a story to share. Of course, I’ve known your story because we are Grief Share friends….hopefully other’s will see this and be able to really relate. Love you.