We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”.  That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side.  I’m now  learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process.  That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

• It took effort to give up selfishness.

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  It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).

• It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.

• It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests  it took me a long time to embrace that idea).

• It took effort to “pick our battles”.  There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

• My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).

• I had someone who put me first before anything else.

• I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).

• I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with.  To develop ideas with.  To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

• We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.

• We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.

• We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

• Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
• I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
• My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
• My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
• I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities.  Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
• I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
• I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren.  (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
• I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective.  I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me.  Amen.”