Except for the excitement that came when building our log home up in “those hills”,  except for the pleasure of exploring new restaurants with Loren, except for the thrill of driving a fast car, except for the enjoyment of painting a new color on a bedroom wall, I HATE CHANGES!

Except for going with Loren when he delivered groceries in his WINCO truck, except for moving furniture so I can decorate my home for the Holidays, except for relishing the beautiful fall colors and blankets of  fluffy snow, I HATE CHANGES!

See, I fit into the category of someone who likes routine.  I like comfort, pleasure and continuity.

When Loren died my whole world of “OUR CONTINUITY” was thrown into space as a planet spinning out of control into the abyss.

…the dimensions, the layers, the intensity, the depth of loss & change that a spouse faces when their life mate dies is SHOCKING:

• The SHOCK OF SLEEPING by myself in our bed. At month #2 I still couldn’t sleep facing his side of the bed.  I had my back up against 2 pillows which felt like his back.Since we would touch while sleeping, this gave me enough comfort that I could settle in for 4 -5 hours of sleep.  Months later I was able to gradually stretch one leg out and not feel as broken by that empty space, where he should’ve been.  About month #10 I could finally sleep facing his empty side of the bed.  I’ve now adjusted.  It took a long time.  I can sleep on all sides of the bed.  I’m a glorified bed hog.

• The SHOCK that at month #6 I suddenly didn’t want my brother’s hugging me.  It was too painful for me emotionally.  It only increased the longing for my husband’s huge, long bear hugs.  Receiving hugs from my father and son did not create the deep angst.  It’s now comforting to receive brotherly hugs.   I’ve adjusted. 

• The SHOCK that within months my body resumed its desire for intimacy. I was still in deep grief but the desire to be close to my husband did not stop. My mind knew he had passed away.  My experience with his fast, vivid death knew he had passed.  But my body, my hormones, and my HEART did not know he was gone. I’m adjusting.  I choose to make choices that are pleasing to God; living as a wise, single, godly widow.   I’m adjusting.

“So, God, I know there must be 1,000’s of more changes coming my way but thankfully You’re gracious to not show me what’s in the future.  It would be too overwhelming and I would want to go hide in a cave and never come out.  Even in the midst of  change, I believe Your mercies are new every morning!”

P.S.  There ARE a few changes I don’t mind at all:  Less laundry.  Few lunches to fix.  🙂