Her years of college and up through her late 20’s, before marrying in 2018, our daughter Brenna would share her persistence to “Guard Her Heart”. Many times, I heard her quote Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart for it is the well-spring of life”. I was pleased to know of her willingness to remain wise and wait to marry the right man…. for, she HAD dated some prior handsome, seemingly awesome, thoughtless toads along the way. Brenna’s daddy used to tell her, “Someday there will be someone who thinks YOU are the BEST thing that’s EVER happened to him. Just wait. He’ll come along some day” (She waited. He did)!
Let’s just say, “I now, experientially, understand Brenna from a single person’s point of view”. I have met someone(s) for coffee or a meal (all men who I prior knew face to face ~ no online stuff). I had told at least one of my adult children what I was doing because I wanted to tell them.…to me, accountability is safety.
Each time, I immediately knew I wasn’t guarding my heart completely. Each time, I almost felt sick to my stomach in dread. I felt torn because it equally felt great to be meeting a man socially over coffee and a meal. Brief companionship and communication with a male brings a nice reprieve.
By most standards, I dated a lot in High School and College. Being young and single made it different. And fun. And natural. And, yes, all the while I was a lively Christian girl who maintained strong morals.
But it’s different now. For me, it does not “feel natural” for a 60 plus year old mother of four, grandmother of eight to date….. (I can’t tell you how PAINFUL it feels to even need to be in a position to have said that….)
Because Loren and I were a couple that talked about many candid things…(you know, “THAT CONVERSATION” that no married couple ever REALLY wants to talk about but maybe EVERY married couple SHOULD really talk about?)…..he and I had discussed and came to an agreement what we would expect of each other should the other one pass away sooner than later.
In earlier blogs I was adamant that I would never be open to finding someone else to share life with.
You might ask where I am at today…….there is not a quick answer because:
- I love doing things my own way… being accountable to God and a trusted few.
- I wanted to grow old with Loren ‘til I died. Our theme was “come grow old with me…the best is yet to be” (and quite frankly, at 6 years out from his passing, the idea of growing old with someone else, still, is not the LEAST bit appealing…but I know he never would have expected me to remain alone).
- I ALSO do not want to be someone else’s PURSE nor do I want to be their NURSE (nor do I expect another man to be my purse or nurse….however, relieving the financial pressures of living alone has its appeal).
- I guess “I should NEVER say NEVER” (but I refuse to settle out of desperation…plus, I very much have a relationship of love with my deceased husband).
- I think it’d be very difficult to fit into the rhythm of another person’s life at my age. I remember the real challenge when I was just in my early 20’s!
I think I’ll keep my social life to the ladies who enhance my life, make me laugh hysterically, while also bringing sound advice and solid shared life experience to the table.
That sounds like the most prudent way to live… relationally and spiritually.
So wise to have had the conversation with Loren about “what if” – every couple needs to be able to share candidly about the prospect of one leaving before the other. It makes for a smoother transition knowing what your spouse would have recommended. It’s a healthy, interdependent way to live ☺️
I’m so relieved we had the what if talks….
Hello Julia,
Dating, after our husbands’ deaths, is a lot different from the way it was before ever being married. This December will mark seven years since Bob’s death. I’ve dealt with a scammer (who I naively fell for and believed his convincing stories and never did meet in person), dated a man long distance (with actual face-to-face time together of only about 78 total hours over five months time) who wanted to get married, but I did not have peace about moving towards marriage, so called things off beyond having anything more than a friendship with him. Currently have a budding relationship growing with Brad Gill, who lives in McMinniville. We are able to share and accept a lot about our past and what has brought us to this time in our lives. We have already spent sixteen hours of face-to-face time together (in two dates) in the little over six weeks of connecting with each other. There have been lots of emails going back and forth and a couple of phone calls too. There seems to be a genuine, real connection growing between us. We can work together doing ordinary household and an outside project together (which we saw each other when we were tired and sweaty and how we handled ourselves in that state), sprinkling humor in our communications and time together. Brad accepts me for who I am and is respectful of moral boundaries. Will see where God leads us.
Keep me posted how the budding relationship is going!
Julia,
Brad and I are still dating and getting to know each other. We are seeking God’s guidance as to where our relationship will go. February 27, 2022, marked six months of dating. We have seen each other each week, with the exception of one week in December when we were both sick with head colds. I have met one of Brad’s two daughters. Brad has met my best friend, her husband, their daughter and daughter’s husband.
Julia I love reading your blogs. I feel like I am right there having a chat with you. You are wise and God’s plan will be revealed to you someday soon. You are fortunate to have been blessed with beautiful memories of a life with Loren. Love you and are proud of your strengths.
Having had a couple relationships since my husband has passed(1998) I have learned it is ok to be ‘single’. I have many male friends of all ages. It is ok, I love my independence. In the loss, I have learned to cope.
I’ve grown to love my independence also!
It is so healthy to continue to verbalize your current status and thought processes. It keeps you accountable to all those you include in your thinking. You are such a wise woman !
So very true, Linda….accountability is a safety net.
Yes. Yes. And Yes. And that is all I have to say here. Like you, I share where I feel safest and most understood, in privacy. Not an easy path, wanted to grow old with my Jerry, still missing him so very much at almost 3 years out and nobody can fill that place of long years together and comfort and “knowing” that takes forever to arrive at it seems. But my story changed without notice, a chapter flipped, so I, also, move into my unknown(s)…holding on to Papa’s hand and trusting that He has good plans for me…Thank you always, Julia, for sharing your journey and putting into words the things that are not always easy to put into words. xo
Thank you Teresa. Sure wish we could sit down and visit in person.