On Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe.  All while my head throbbed. Exhausting!  At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness.  I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value  as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me  I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy.  They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace  an alternative life, whatever that means.

• I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.

• Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.

• But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.

• Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.

• But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me.  What a powerless, even frightening,  way to feel.  But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

 I must fight.  To grow.

“Ok, God.  H – E – L – P !!!!”