“I heard Loren died. At least he didn’t divorce you.  Actually, it’s better he be dead.  At least you know where he is.”  Yep, you read right!  A waitress, about my age, from my little town said these exact words to me, verbatim, within the first 2 weeks of Loren passing!   I was shell-shocked to hear those words coming at me.  ( I later learned she went through a difficult divorce).

In my 19 months of grief I’ve also found much comfort from the people surrounding me.  People letting me know they love me.  People giving me undying support. However, I’ve also felt the sting of words I perceived to be careless. Further yet, I’ve personally faced a resistance to the words I label as “Christian-ese words….words taken from Biblical truths.  These same words have created deep turmoil because the words were not timely spoken, maybe never to be used in wisdom for bringing comfort to any wounded heart.  Well meaning people, serving the same Lord and Savior that I serve.  Yet the words were not salve to me.

So, here is my TOP LISTS of THINGS TO DO and NOT TO DO.

TOP 3 THINGS not TO TELL A GRIEVING PERSON:

• “God has a better plan for you”.
• “You know, the Scripture says God works all things out for good.”
• “Smile, think good thoughts.”  (written in a sympathy card within a week of his passing)

TOP 3 PHRASES THAT HAVE MEANT THE MOST TO ME: 

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “I’ll be praying for you”.
• “It’s so obvious you and Loren really loved each other.  You’ll always love each other.”

TOP 1 THING not TO DO:

• Run up to me at the Memorial Service, volunteering to do a specific huge project and then back out when I was later counting  on your help.  (2 people did this.  Both males.  Separate large projects.  I now feel they were acting out of their sorrow without thinking things through before promising something they couldn’t fulfill ~ nonetheless, I felt stranded.  For me, it would’ve been better they not even volunteered).

TOP 4 THINGS TO DO for general support:

• Talk about Loren, mention him. It’s impossible for me to erase him from my life experience and heart.  Please don’t erase him from yours.

• Learn to be comfortable with my brief, sudden spillage of tears. The tears go away as fast as they come.  I’m now happy more than sad.  Be O.K. with who I am right now.

• Invite me to social events.  I’ll consider coming.  I lived a very active life with Loren. I’m at an odd place right now going places by myself.  But, I still like to be remembered.  And invited.

• Be like the BILL WILLIS’s of this world!  Bill and Jeannie, friends of both Loren and I, offered to cut and provide firewood for my first winter without Loren.  That was a huge feat because I heat my entire home with wood fire. Bill did exactly what he said he would do and more!  With the extra wood that Dorian Herrick had offered to donate, I am also using wood from Bill’s labor through this winter.   Thank you,    I’m eternally grateful.