Since his passing I’ve learned positive things.  Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman.  I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places.  Because I believe.  Eventually.  In time.  I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

• Love is eternal.  As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.”  It does.  He does.  In my heart.

• I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead.  He was right.  I know more than I thought.  I am strong.

• Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him.  Pictures of him.  Moments of him in increments of time.

• My circumstances do not  hold the power to alter the character of who God is.

• People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death).  I’m still learning what all of this means….
  

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

• After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.

• Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss.  We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try.   We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.

• Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain.  My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.

• Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.

• New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong.  But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading.  I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories.  That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily.  I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending.   I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You.  In the eye of the storm You still see me. “