This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home.  I always look forward to time with them.  Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities.  Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures.  Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round.  Adeline is stretching up.  Olivia is growing too fast.  Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day.   And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes.  His grandchildren brought him deep joy.  Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do.

The grandkids and I kept our routine.  Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal.  Oreo’s.  Ate at Coyote Joe’s.  Popcorn at 10 p.m.

• I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies.  To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD.  That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday.  Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death.  That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.

• Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length.  She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.

• Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen.  Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.

• Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me,  “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked.  But, with childlike faith we prayed.  I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.
  

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling.  Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be.  I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “