First up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together. Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy, hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts. Even my heart.
Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting. Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come. For me to grow. For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.
For this seems to be my grief process.
THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:
- I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
- I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
- At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).
THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:
- Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
- I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
- I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
- I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.
Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching. We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home. We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.
We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.
A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.
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The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!
- We became intentional close friends. Buddies. Best friends.
- We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
- We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
- And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so. He told me so. Often.
- And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.
Thank you Julia again for your WISDOM you have been so transparent to share.
If I had to Re-do my marriage over I would have had the SAME things we could have and should have worked on! Especially when it came to stopping and letting him know how much he meant to me the kids and to GOD! I have contemplated many things that went wrong.. We Prayed together but was it really sincere and enough..? Prayer was usually just for others. We forget to praise together in the later years.. That moved us apart…very quickly. We did not lean on the support of family and church. We thought we could shoulder the world on our own and we got caught up in it instead. Making money and giving our children what we feel we did not get in life… We did many things apart from God… RESULT – Death of a once godly marriage. Tending to the marital union is paramount to the existence of strong families and a strong Nation.
Thx for sharing, Michelle. You are right on…and don’t you think it’s unfortunate hindsight is easy to view? And I so agree with your last statement, that marriage is paramount. Julia
Julia,I’ve done much of the same since Ron’s passing. I was lucky to have had 51 years. But gee if only I could go back-it’s a hoot looking at yourself.so happy to have met and shared so much. See ya soon!
Gerrie, you’re the best. Looking forward to getting with you girlfriends soon.
Well said!! Thank You, Julia!
Thank you, Dave.
Thank you, Julia, for your open and honest words. Gives all your readers much to reflect upon, pray for, consider. I am so glad that you do have a love story to share. How you and Loren purposed to not let your marriage and relationship decline into a shattered relationship; that you got through the hard things and immensely enjoyed your empty nest years.
Judith, Yes and Amen! Julia