I dedicate this weeks blog in memory of my husband who passed away 16 months ago today. Loren loved the herds of elk that meander through our property. He was a true outdoors-man. Forever in our hearts. As the song says, “So close, so close but yet so far……”
TERROR OR ADVENTURE?
Thankfully I have one super-close friend, Cindy, who is my age. We’re only close because we share a life experience. I can describe every nitty, gritty detail of how much I miss Loren. She misses her husband like I miss mine. See, her husband died unexpectedly also, 2 years back. We’ve both been told multiple times, “You’re too young to be widows”. We agree. But we’re not God and we don’t have the power to change life and it’s circumstances.
We’re both discombobulated at times. Things like her water pump going out on her fish pond. After replacing the second pump she still had to order a third pump! Things like my well going dry. Things like having to bring the water line one mile to hook up to community water and the decisions of purchasing which booster pump and where to place it. Are we capable with others wise advice? Absolutely. Are we still very nervous that we’re not making a wise decision? Absolutely. See, both of us were in marriages where we talked things out with our husbands. We were sounding boards for each other.
It’s scary if I think too far ahead. Whereas I used to love dreaming with Loren. Dreaming about his soon-to-be retirement years, those times seeming full of promise and adventure. I so loved the idea of growing old with him.
He and I were known for packing our bags for one day or a weekend, with no particular place in mind. We just knew we were heading out. I can’t begin to tell you HOW MUCH FUN we had on those jaunts!
I felt more courageous on some jaunts because we were together. When he’d take off on some back gravel road with a map, a gun, bottled water, a few snacks, and blankets for warmth, I still had this underlying sense of fear because of the “what if’s”. The night we hiked up and down the streets of downtown Seattle at midnight scared me. I felt safe with the large, strong man who was packing. But there still were the hoodlums hanging out in the dark corners that I was worried about.
I am still grieving the loss of Loren and the loss of adventure with him. I imagine I will until the day I die.
But Cindy and I dream of going to Disneyland together. Brianne, Brenna, and I (hopefully Jasmine & Jasper, too) dream of going on an Alaskan cruise together. Brenna and I are making plans to go on a Holy Land trip. And I’m hopeful there will be more Disneyland trips with the granddaughters and Brianne.
“So Lord, help me gain a new mindset. Help me learn to experience life as it is now. I know You are always with me. The scripture says we are never alone, but quite frankly that knowledge, even TRUTH, is not enough. I need something TANGIBLE. Thank you for friends and family during the times of terror and adventure. Amen.”
Hi Julia, I am enjoying reading your blog posts. That is if you can call my heart breaking for you every time I read them, enjoying. God is doing a new work in you and what He has started He will complete till the day of Jesus Christ. He promised in His Word. You need to put all these blogs into a book and get it published. Your words and experiences will bless alot of people going through loss and grief. God bless you with His amazing Grace and Presence. Loren would be so proud of you! Love you, Aunt Dorothy
Thank you aunt Dorothy. I love your encouragement and blessing. And yes, Loren would be so proud of me! Love you too. Julia
Another good read Julia! Keep it up.
Thanks for your support. Love you.
For what it is worth I want you to know cousin you are in my prayers Love Kent
Thanks cuz. You’re prayers mean so much. Julia
Thanks Julia, for another fresh word full of insight and encouragement for all of us who have voids in our life though for different reasons then yours… Love you and keep on dreaming.
Love you uncle Duane and I’ll keep dreaming.
Thank you for sharing, Julia. You have always been “real”, that’s what I have appreciated and loved about you. You are down to earth. You’ve never been haughty or unapproachable. I remember you inviting our family to your home after church for dinner. That was a special gift, we became friends.
Your Aunt Dorothy is right, it is heartbreaking to read your accounts relating various aspects of how you have been suffering the grief of your widowhood. I am glad you and Cindy have each other.
Last week I appreciated your comments, telling, specifically, how each one of your children remind you of certain facets of Loren’s personality. That gave me pause, to consider my own children and grandchildren in a new light.
Also, reading about your recent, serious health crisis showed that, for a short time grief left you, but then came back like a flood. How scary that you were so near death. I am grateful that you came through that crisis. Surgery takes time to recover from, I hope you are not overdoing.
Your workload, decisions by yourself intensify the now ever present loss of Loren. Reading about your well drying up and having to have the mile long water line you had to have installed!!!
No matter what else has been thrown at you, you are pressing on, Julia.
I am pressing on. I love that phrase. I have such fond memories of my kids and your kids, you and I going on outings together or hanging out at each others home. Those were great times. I just love that we’ve reconnected 25 years later…..being 3,000 miles apart. Love to you. Julia
WOW! We’ve talked so many times and as I read this, it’s like you are here with me now. While I don’t know the pain of being a widow, I do know the pain of being single and longing for a husband. I remember. One thing for sure, as you walk in this new valley, there is beauty all around and it is clearly seen in you. The Lord and Loren’s love is giving you strength and with each new day, there is joy….a new joy. I’m so proud of you and your new adventures with family sound amazingly wonderful!!! I’m here for you in the ups and downs……love you friend!!! See you SOON! Hugs and God Bless!
You are a true friend. Looking forward to seeing you soon.