Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here. But this year was different. By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.
I took action. I broke out of my past pattern of grief. I broke out of my routine. Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church. Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen. I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert. She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home. There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.
To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River. I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.
While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:
- Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day. I was sure this year would be different. I’d taken great strides in my grief journey. Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.
- Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day. I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.
- The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home. I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.
I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally. When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?
Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?
The love doesn’t die, my friends. THE. LOVE. JUST. DOESN’T. DIE.
Beautifully put Julia ♥️ I’m also trying to look forward and not backward (most of the time)! Our first grandchild’s birthday hit me hard this year. I was not expecting all the tears. I’m grateful for loving family and friends and it sounds like you are blessed with both also ♥️
Joyce, thank you for sharing. Those sneaker-sobs catch us off guard. I don’t mind the tears. It’s the pain that comes with the tears that kills me. I’ll be thinking of you when I go celebrate a granddaughters birthday this Sunday. We are blessed to have children and grandchildren. I personally know two widows that don’t have either. Such sorrow….. Julia
I can so identify! Our 38th anniversary was 8-16, his birthday coming in Sept. and death in Oct. This will be the 4th Anniversary of his death, I have progressed on my journey as a widow, even find joy in my days, but these upcoming anniversaries I just can’t prepare for. You are so right, THE. LOVE. JUST. DOESN’T. DIE.
Because you share I know I am not alone on this confusing journey.
I am thankful to have shared that wonderful love, that doesn’t die, with my sweet Howard.
Blessings,
Susan
Susan, O yes, the love just doesn’t die!!! Sounds like we understand each other….I’m so happy you also have joyful days now! God bless you, Julia