STEEP TRAILS

If you asked me today how I see myself, my immediate answer would be,  “I’m walking a steep, narrow, treacherous hill”.  There is an upside towering hill to fall in to but there is also a cliff that would spur me over into 100’s of feet…..dropping…..that is, should I lose my footing. There is no place to sit and casually observe the scenery around me. I feel I must keep moving because of the incline.  I hope for a destination that allows me reprieve. “

Of course I allegorize the meaning of this picture.  Of course I can spiritualize the meaning of this picture.  And I believe both of those are meaningful, even important.

But my greatest need in the 16 month  journey of grief is to PACE MYSELF.

• Pace myself in feeling the grief.
• Pace myself in cares of this world such as jobs, financial matters.
• Pace myself in caring for the ranch.
• Pace myself in spending time with girlfriends.
• Pace myself with children, grandchildren and extended family.

Out of the list above, the most difficult “pace myself” has been pacing the grief.

I’m at an odd place.  Up until now I had been journaling, reading books on heaven and grief, allowing myself time to sit and reflect as needed.  Every day! On the other hand, other than spending an hour each week with my good friend and counselor, I have found myself purposefully NOT allowing myself the “pleasure of grieving”.

“What?  Pleasure in grieving?”  Well, yes and no.  Allowing myself to sit and cry is a physical release.  Built up grief weighs me down.  Built up tears are an oppression.  Torrential tears are frightening but wipe the slate clean for a few minutes at least.

You could say I am becoming more intentional, more purposeful in my grief.

• For myself I need to be.
• I need to stay focused. Loren did that for us as a couple.  I need to do it for me.
• I need to stay on the steep path towards healing.
• Any deterrents from purposeful healing could be threatening to the person I hope to become while remaining the person I am!
• Now is not the time to become flippant about my standards of character.

“So Lord, I know You’ve been carrying me but there comes a time in this walk of widowhood that I must learn to walk.  Right now I see You setting me down here and there telling me to keep going, keep my eye on the trail and vision and proceed forward.  God help me!  Amen.”