Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable. That is, the random intense sense of  loss that can slam me.

It all started with a wonderful unexpected vivid dream last week.  I was walking through the great room heading towards the kitchen.  Loren comes around the corner, holding a stacked plate of fresh baked cookies.  He had his huge impish smile on his face….he was thrusting the plate of cookies towards me, wanting me to take the gift he was offering me.  In the dream he never once spoke a word to me nor I to him, but I was quickly reminded of the gleeful generosity he would have when gifting me.  I was immediately drawn to our connection.  I could feel the love.  I woke up.

The next two nights I was  again  dreaming of he and I but I don’t remember the dreams.

However, having these dreams is pulling me back into another time….that I had successfully left…. I thought.

Two days ago I made the “mistake”  of watching the Picture/Music video we had prepared and shown at Loren’s Memorial Service.  I hadn’t watched it in months.  I was invaded with warm thoughtful memories.

Yesterday morning  I woke up, feeling drawn to watch the same video again.  But that time, it slammed me. The memories were not “happy”…. only because it was suddenly too painful to remember.  The sense of separation was searing.

Watching TV couldn’t distract the loss.  Mowing the lawn couldn’t distract the pain.  Paying the bills couldn’t distract the emptiness.  The only thing that saved me was my co-widow friend, Eileen,  randomly calling me….I had been on her mind yesterday…. we met in  Albany for dinner.  THAT is what broke me out of the savage feeling of being caged.

This morning I was outside kneeling….staining the deck.  I swear I felt his presence as if he was standing near me.  I actually looked up to see if he was really there, well knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see him, but I believe I felt him there.  Hot torrents of tears coursed down my face and neck.  Per chance Loren could hear me, I said, “Don’t EVER stop checking in on me because I was starting to forget how we felt together.”

……and, the truth that I am starting to forget details about him is undeniably tragic…..I  had purposed to never –  ever forget the nuances that made him special.

Those dreams were wonderful vivid reminders but, today,  memories don’t feel like they are enough.  I’m trusting today will be easier since I’m caring for my 4 year old grandson, Lincoln.

“YOU,  Loren,  ARE MISSING FROM ME.”   Even when I’m doing great.  Even at 4 years and 4 months out.