I COULDN’T DO IT EARLIER, CHECKS and Ms. Wasson

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Widows Managing Finances

I couldn’t do it earlier, that is, finish the Probate on Loren and the Commercial Business. A long while back, I eagerly approached Probate in stride.  I was finally emotionally and physically ready for the long hefty process.  In fact, I felt great relief as I wrote the final check to the lawyer.

My Ultimate Belief Even When I Don’t Feel It

BUT NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S DECEMBER. I should’ve known by now how the month of December accentuates happy or sad feelings.

Yesterday I went to my pre-arranged appointment with a 3rd Bank.  Since Probate is closed I’ve been advised it’s necessary to close out certain accounts. 

Honestly, at 4 1/2 years out I’m shocked how hot, dripping, searing tears along with physical pain can randomly return so readily….it’s worrisome to not be able to control how my body reacts. Even though I am at work today, I’ll just hope that most adults and children don’t notice my hoarse voice, red swollen eyes and face. It would be quite wonderful if these random crisis-modes would only happen when I’m not with other people.

I’ve decided I will carefully lay away two or three unused “invalid” joint owner checks where his name is above mine.  It doesn’t matter that there will be skipped check numbers on the Bank Statements. In my heart alone, I’ll know why this was purposefully done:  we were a team in business, in sharing finances and in life.  And even though I well know he is not here, a deep place inside of me still holds on to the “joint status”.

I still can’t say goodbye to that.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.

To seal the deal, walking down the hallway at work this morning, I suddenly noticed another change:  beneath my Staff Identity Picture someone changed my title to Ms. Wasson. Dagger directly through the heart. I took a photo of it and texted it to Brenna. I won’t even attempt to tell you how many minutes more tears poured.

Christmas is almost here. I know God will keep empowering me. I also know this winter – in – my – heart will soon end…..again.

NOt a NurSe NoR a PuRSe

Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, Nurse or Purse, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and Marriage, Widows Managing Finances

Absolutely the truth! I have deep sorrow because I will never have a picture of Loren and I holding each other close and dancing at this age.

My Grief Share girlfriends and I often joke how it is our intent to not be a “NURSE or a PURSE “.  We don’t say this out of spite.  For me, these words are out of self-protection and great awareness.

I know this sounds harsh for a widow to say, but the truth is, “There are men out there in the world who are trying to gain from a woman’s loss”.  When my brother in law died I remember hearing Loren warn his sister of those situations.  Two of my eight girlfriends have personally experienced this (Purse) in the past 6 years.  Of course, it could equally be said there are women out there who are happy to gain from a man’s loss.  And yes, I know there are good men in this world…

Should you assume most widows have wads of cash sitting around you are  dead wrong.  The truth is, most of us lost a large percentage of our household income. Even if there might have been life insurance most of us paid off bills with that money.  The circle of widows I hang with do not fit in the category of “Purse”.

When I married Loren at 20 years of age I willingly vowed to love him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through happy times and hard times. Not understanding the depth of what all that might entail, both of us fulfilled those vows. Granted, we weren’t always on cloud nine,  but I never lost my sense of commitment towards staying with the man I married, towards working alongside the man I married and enjoying the camaraderie with the man I married.

I was emotionally and devotionally prepared to eventually change his diapers….. whether it be because of illness or old age.  I had loved his body well throughout the years and to care for his future aging-physical-needs would’ve been an honest privilege.

I’ve become quite the people watcher, that is “an-elderly-married-couple-people-watcher”….  I smile as I watch them help each other.  I smile as I watch them communicate with each other, noting how each couple seems to have their own private language.  At 4 ½ years out,  I’m rarely jealous as I watch them.  Honestly, for-the-most-part I feel grateful that my spouse won’t have to physically care for my body as I age.

By now, a variety of people have asked me or said,  “Julia, do you ever think you will remarry?”  “Julia, you deserve to be loved again.” “You are just afraid”.  “I’d feel better knowing you have someone to watch out for you as you get older”. “The love won’t be the same as it was with Loren, there will never be another him, but you can find another love.”

I know I could (quote) “find another person to love”.  I just can’t imagine there ever being another man I’d want to SHARE MY LIFE WITH.  Loren, and our life together, set the bar very high.  Our lives flowed in and out of each other. To live with anything/anyone that would not meet those (dare I say it?)  “expectations / qualifications” would seem like a horrible letdown……plus:

  • I’m not willing to take a relationship risk whereas I was when I was 20.
  • I’ve also learned you don’t really know a person unless you’ve been around them for a few years in multiple life situations so, again, there’s too big of a price (emotionally and for the sake of my kids and grandkids) to take a risk.

Guess I don’t need to worry about becoming someone’s NURSE or PURSE.  Ha.

 

LiViNg Out THE big QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW THROUGH while FLYING By tHe SeAt of mY pAnTs

decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, New Mindsets, unexpected things in life, Widows Managing Finances

In 2016 the Elementary Christmas Concert was cancelled 2x, back to back.   Snow and ice had covered the Willamette Valley. The Elementary School Christmas Concert was finally held AFTER the 2 week Christmas Break!  I was going with the flow….piece of cake to direct-perform with 500 kids who hadn’t rehearsed in 2 weeks. Ha.  Hey, I had survived death.  I knew I could ride it out and I did, because the surprises revolved around music.   But, now the 2019 Holidays are approaching and once more I am starting to recall how those “once-little-things-to-me” now seem to bring higher stress.

Before Loren passed away  I was already making strong progress towards becoming less rigid.  Learning to wing it.  Go with the flow.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  He loved how I had learned to live life well at a moments notice.

Where I’ve now evolved into a “more-eased-person” I’ve EQUALLY discovered DIFFERENT things now bring stressors.   Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised…I’ve been forced to execute life in a new role, so maybe my body and emotions will scream at me in new areas?

  • As of last Thanksgiving, after the meal, I officially resigned from preparing the turkey or ham for future family Holiday meals. Leave me the mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, sweet potatoes AND a side vegetable but no more main dish!!
  • As of the 2018 Christmas season, I officially resigned from baking the majority of the favorite goodies for our gatherings.  I needed to “share the wealth” and I must say my kids are stepping up to the challenge.
  • (I’m still looking for more ways I can share those duties that moms are expected to do…)

Many times,  I’ve had to ask myself,  “IS  THIS  A  LIFE  OR  A  DEATH  SITUATION?”  (in comparison to my 20 minute attempt to revive him when he died).

IF IT DOESN’T FIT IN THAT   “Is it a life or a death situation”   CATEGORY,  I then:

(1)  determine to give full necessary attention to it (being a good steward of my investment)

(2)  have a few long hard laughs about the irony of the situation (all of the CRAAAZY things happening  AFTER  Loren passed)

(3)  sarcastically saying, “ It’s  ONLY  $ ” (when in reality it’s killing me to pay for it)

(4)  all the while doing my best to de-stress myself and maintain some gratitude for God’s provision and care for me

Frankly, IF I believed in bad luck I’d be saying,  “I’ve had LOTS of  ‘bad luck’  since Loren died”.    But the reality is, things need replacing or repair from normal wear-n-tear & age.

In both September and October 2019, I’ve had to rehearse “The QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW -THROUGH”:

  • I was without water for 5 days…my underground one mile water line broke (SOMEWHERE between the Community Water hookup/meter along the highway… back to my home… the distance of one mile…up hill…down hill…through the forest…through a field)… Two Businesses / Professionals doing some of the diagnostics and labor…sons doing some of the back breaking labor….with me overseeing all of it plus experiencing some back breaking labor. Job completed.
  • Drip.  Drip.  Drip….then gush,  down my one interior log wall.  Discovering I had deteriorating, torn composite shingles, in one specific valley,  on the 16 year old roof.  Repair possible and completed.
  • The 40 year old Gas Furnace in the rental gave up the ghost. No repair possible because parts were obsolete.  Job completed.
  • The Electric Heat Wall Unit in the studio gave up the ghost. No repair possible.  Job completed.

I’ve actually pondered the validity of moving to a NEW house/property EVERY 10 years….that is, before pesky repairs start to be necessary…  yet that is not a viable option for me, financially or emotionally.  I’ll just keep rehearsing “THE QUESTION and IT’S FOLLOW-THROUGH” and continue practicing the art of flying by the seat of my pants… all while hopefully having a good dose of wisdom.

 

 

FRieNDs and the Widow. God’s Will and Plan B. Chapter 4

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, God's Will, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Plan B, Widows and Friendships

Within the past month I’ve listened to two girlfriends voice their concern AND desire…how they are praying and ” NEEDING to know God’s Will ” …. see, they are now single women… one divorce and one death… like me, women who didn’t choose their situation…having to learn to live in an unwelcome situation….who at times vacilate between peace and discontentment, thinking there SURELY must be “a way out” of their present and future unease.

The 1st friend?  I didn’t respond, then…she wouldn’t have appreciated my thought at that moment.  The 2nd friend,  I responded saying,  “How do you KNOW that your life, as it is now, ISN’T His will for you???”   After a lengthy pause she quietly said, “I had never thought of that before”.

 Whether it be a spouse who betrayed you and left the marriage or it be a spouse who was careless in not getting back to the  Dr  sooner-than-later,  ultimately you have the choice to remain  or  NOT  remain under the bitter-filled blanket of blame.

FOR ME,  my “bitter-filled blanket of blame statement”   WAS,   “Loren would be alive today IF he wouldn’t have been SO stubborn….IF he JUST would’ve call the cardiologist or gone to the Emergency  Room when the arrhythmia started up again” (see, at the time of the successful ablation he was told he’d need a pacemaker with a defibrillator IF the arrhythmia ever reoccurred)…..BUT HE had his reasons….HE was GOING to retire from WinCo shortly….HE was GOING to take the chance (of the arrhythmia possibly not being as serious as the cardiologist had told him it would be) so he could get his full pension $$…….now… here’s my opportunity to be angry….if he JUST would’ve gone to the Dr or the E.R. the day before, as I suggested….(he was abit winded but was sure the arrhythmia was temporary and would surely stop….. so I chose to not freak out…. because stress would’ve only made the arrhythmia worse…and, yes, I felt helpless that he didn’t heed my suggestion)..…. and,  THAT same DAY he had told me, “When the arrhythmia is bad enough, Julia,  I’ll LET YOU KNOW” (to take him to the E.R.)… well, surprisingly  he DID  let me know that next morning at  6:37 ….AND after a few brief words with me,  all within 5 seconds,  he collapsed and was immediately unconscious  and very very soon……..   Yep, I had immediately called 911 alright…. And yes,  I DID MY PART (frantically, though steadily,  doing CPR on him for 20 minutes til the EMT’s arrived at 7:05….but that wasn’t enough….they couldn’t revive him….even after the EMT’s took turns working on him for a period of time).

AT what measure is Loren responsible for his passing?    AT what measure is GOD responsible?

I’ve had  four  VERY  NECESSARY  years  to process things:

  • Loren had the physical warning that something serious could be happening
  • He didn’t “have time” to go to the E.R.  and he did NOT want ME calling the ambulance unless HE determined it was “serious enough”
  • God could’ve stopped the arrhythmia
  • God probably doesn’t override a person’s will
  • I don’t blame myself for not overriding his wishes the day before….I didn’t know how bad it really was….IF HE EVEN KNEW,  I’m sure he didn’t want to worry me

As time has progressed and peace has slowly settled over my broken heart and question-filled mind, I’m just now starting to consider:

  • Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?
  • Who says I “must search” for “God’s Will” in an alternative Plan B?
  • Who says that something is wrong when a person chooses to “learn to be OK” in a less than ideal circumstance?

 

 

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c

 

The WiDoW with AduLt CHildRen, Glue and ComplicAted GriEF. Chapter 2

Children, Christian Widows, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children

I now see, it took my husbands passing to explore deepened relationships with my four adult children.  Even though I am immensely grateful for our intensified affection and frequent times together, bittersweet sorrow  comes with this…..the fact is,  the following is another transparent facet of my “Growing Thru Grief” story.

Within hours of his passing,  as he still lay in the bedroom, inwardly I was crying out to God saying, “God, I hope you know what You are doing…how will (this child) and (another child) handle his death?  WHAT WILL THIS DO IN / TO THEIR LIVES?”  At that same moment I equally felt confident that two of the four would manage things “OK” in the crisis of losing their dad.

With my-now-full-hindsight of that life altering day, not only was I overwhelmed with shock and grief, a looming shadowy fear had also risen its ugly head alongside the pain.  Losing Loren left me in one MORE situation of the possibility of having to hold the world together, this time by myself.  In addition, I simply couldn’t bear the thought of experiencing a greater crisis of ANY kind at ANY level.

Today, at four years out, I reminisce how grief effects the whole extended family.   From the surviving spouse, down to the adult children and on down to the grandchildren… death hurts.  Loren’s death still impacts my siblings and their spouses, my nieces and nephews, my parents. Loren’s death still impacts his siblings and spouses and his nieces and nephews.

My children and I now seem to be glued together.   Sometimes I wonder if we appear to be anti-social to the other people at the parties or family gatherings.  At a BarBQ yesterday, we all sat close to each other around a table, our chairs sitting far closer to each other than they would’ve been before his passing (although… the daughters would have been nestled up close to their dad with his arm around the back of their chairs and his hands resting on their shoulders).

No, we are not anti-social. We, together, are capable of  visiting with others who are not part of our immediate family but our attentions are quickly drawn back to each other.  We, together, are quick to ask if the other is doing ok.  We, together, are quicker to  compassionately respond if someone seems to be having a hard time.  Laughter bubbles easier.  In fact, our sense of humor has remained intact….I wonder, if  because we had tapped into the vein of deep pain, together,  have all of our senses now become heightened?

My children and I have, just recently, started talking about grief……wondering if we aren’t the examples of “complicated grief”.  OUR story is,  our family didn’t live a perfect rosy life.  We, with him also, survived many brutal bumps along the way.

As we now share amongst ourselves, we are discovering  that after a loved ones death  the brutal bumps of the past don’t disappear……

We are discovering you don’t just grieve the DEATH of a person.  You grieve the few (or many) losses that you felt  and experienced in that individual relationship….THROUGHOUT that entire relationship.

But, we are all open.  Open to growth and healing where needed…. all while honoring and missing our loved one.

P.S.  Gotta tell you, Loren would be thrilled knowing the result off his death did not create strife and division.  Instead, it has entwined our lives in a continuation of increasing beautiful ways.

 

 

 

WIDOWS and THeiR ADulT CHildren. Chapter 1.

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Widows and aloneness, Widows and their Adult Children

I wasn’t raised to think this way.  As a married lady with a husband and children I certainly didn’t have this mindset.  As a single person with adult children and grandchildren I am having to learn to embrace this way….

About 6 months after Loren passed,  it was on a  fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself. 

Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly,  daily at times.  They were my life-line.  My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.

I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come.  It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.

 Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“.  I then thought of these facts:

  • “I am 57”.
  • “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
  • “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
  • “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
  • “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.

It was then that I  intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.

Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.

“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .

“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.

HOW to HeLp a NEW WIDOW and a SEasOnED WIDOW

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships

 

This picture capsulates my first  2 years….not de-railing, but in a now-cold-unfriendly world, in my grief – cocoon, with just enough light to see the immediate day… all while in unchartered wild territory.

I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE  “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:

This blog is dedicated to:  my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary,  family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy.  These  eleven individuals regularly reached out to me.  These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later.  (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own  grief).

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   NEW    WIDOW:

 

  1. TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
  2. SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see.  Email her.  Text her.
  3. HUG HER.  Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
  4. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
  5. TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
  6. VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
  7. WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
  8. BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
  9. IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
  10. IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something  (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   SEASONED   WIDOW:

  1. Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly  (this will be a life-line to her).
  2. Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
  3. TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
  4. BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
  5. BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
  6. IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her  with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
  7. GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
  8. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that  she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
  9. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know,  just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
  10. TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).

SLAMMED. Unexpectedly. FEELING Him.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, You Are Missing from Me

Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable. That is, the random intense sense of  loss that can slam me.

It all started with a wonderful unexpected vivid dream last week.  I was walking through the great room heading towards the kitchen.  Loren comes around the corner, holding a stacked plate of fresh baked cookies.  He had his huge impish smile on his face….he was thrusting the plate of cookies towards me, wanting me to take the gift he was offering me.  In the dream he never once spoke a word to me nor I to him, but I was quickly reminded of the gleeful generosity he would have when gifting me.  I was immediately drawn to our connection.  I could feel the love.  I woke up.

The next two nights I was  again  dreaming of he and I but I don’t remember the dreams.

However, having these dreams is pulling me back into another time….that I had successfully left…. I thought.

Two days ago I made the “mistake”  of watching the Picture/Music video we had prepared and shown at Loren’s Memorial Service.  I hadn’t watched it in months.  I was invaded with warm thoughtful memories.

Yesterday morning  I woke up, feeling drawn to watch the same video again.  But that time, it slammed me. The memories were not “happy”…. only because it was suddenly too painful to remember.  The sense of separation was searing.

Watching TV couldn’t distract the loss.  Mowing the lawn couldn’t distract the pain.  Paying the bills couldn’t distract the emptiness.  The only thing that saved me was my co-widow friend, Eileen,  randomly calling me….I had been on her mind yesterday…. we met in  Albany for dinner.  THAT is what broke me out of the savage feeling of being caged.

This morning I was outside kneeling….staining the deck.  I swear I felt his presence as if he was standing near me.  I actually looked up to see if he was really there, well knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see him, but I believe I felt him there.  Hot torrents of tears coursed down my face and neck.  Per chance Loren could hear me, I said, “Don’t EVER stop checking in on me because I was starting to forget how we felt together.”

……and, the truth that I am starting to forget details about him is undeniably tragic…..I  had purposed to never –  ever forget the nuances that made him special.

Those dreams were wonderful vivid reminders but, today,  memories don’t feel like they are enough.  I’m trusting today will be easier since I’m caring for my 4 year old grandson, Lincoln.

“YOU,  Loren,  ARE MISSING FROM ME.”   Even when I’m doing great.  Even at 4 years and 4 months out.

BIRTHDAYS, LIGHTBULBS, and MOMENTUM

Christian Widows, Deceased Spouse Birthday, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Technically, we didn’t even celebrate his Birthday-in-Heaven this year, compared to last years restaurant hopping with the fam by going to two Shari’s Restaurants (Salem and McMinnville, both) within the same day to eat his favorite Marionberry pie.  We didn’t celebrate his Birthday this year, as we did for two Birthdays, by eating his favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing. One year  I had been in the hospital for 14 days, and it was on Loren’s Birthday that my brother, Dennis, and his wife, Linda, helped me leave the hospital…and drove me to my parents house so I could recover there with extended out-of-state family.  This year, we certainly spoke of Loren’s Birthday and remembered him and, somehow , THAT seemed to be enough.

You could say, “One more light bulb was turned on”…. at least in my heart.

 

INSIDE OF MYSELF,  somehow,  I DIDN’T:

  • Need to PROVE that I miss him
  • Need to DO something to demonstrate my love for him (I did that for years, he was an acts-of-service-kind-of-guy)
  • Need to STICK TO my pre-made plans (I’m starting to feel like I need less control of my circumstances)

The day before his Birthday,  I did not go to town for the Holiday festivities, as planned.  As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I instinctively knew I’d feel too lonely so I chose to not set myself up  for pain.  Instead, I left the town that I love and drove 60 miles to another family gathering at my cousin’s farm. It was THERE  that I found lots of laughter and great connection with my Kropf cousins, aunt and uncle, siblings, mom and newly-made-friends… and when I arrived home by 11 pm I felt complete and satisfied.

This year I was motivated to (again) continue the tradition of inviting the Gingerich clan out to the ranch to roast hotdogs and marshmallows over an open fire, ride quads on the upper back trails, and shoot ‘em up for hours until dark… (the 1st two years after he passed the kids and I just couldn’t make ourselves follow through with the week-of-his-Birthday-tradition that Loren had started….it’s like we needed the ranch to remain as “our place”…. because he unexpectedly passed away there, our emotional bands were tight and protective….we had shared a life changing crisis there at the ranch, together).

You could say, “Yet another light bulb was turned on”.  This year I discovered how a deeper contentment occurred because I was sharing the ranch.  Interestingly enough, Brenna had asked me, “Did you feel anxious about having all of these people out today?” I gave a quick answer, “No…this felt natural and right”.

This year, it was on Loren’s BIRTHDAY that I admitted:

  • There are some traditions I will want to continue in his absence
  • There are more traditions I may never do again
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become comfortable with new things.
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become brave and take a long  road trip by myself (for me, that’ll be a sign that I’ve conquered life).

All I can say is, “Julia, you’ve come a long way, baby”.