HOW BEING A WIDOW (pOsSiblY) PREPARED ME FOR THE PANDEMIC

Buttons, Covid Pandemic and Widows, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief at 5 Years, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness
My youngest grandson….I want to become more like him

Awhile back my third child walked into my house….sat down…and in a casual manner said, “Mom, I mean this as a compliment….but, if there’s anyone who could ever be OK living alone….. it’d be you.”  WOW!  That stopped me in my tracks…but then again, NOT!  Being married to a trucker for 37 years had, to some degree, already prepared me.

And then COVID happened.  All staff were ordered to stop reporting to the physical location on March 13th.  It required creativity and persistence to continue working since I live in a rural area with minimal internet service, which I needed to perform my job.

And now…. 8 months later, I’ve come across a long article, HOW TO BE ALONE, by Sigal Samuel.  Samuel discusses both benefits and dangers of being alone, giving examples of those who’ve survived solitary confinement vs those choosing to live as hermits….how some didn’t merely survive but actually grew as individuals.…Sigal also addressing the other people who can barely survive being alone  because of past unresolved issues that immediately surface in some adverse settings.

I’ve watched co-workers and family deeply struggle with the social and economic adjustments that COVID has forced upon our state. To a moderate degree I can relate to the social-emotional frustrations although I must be honest and say:  “Thankfully, I cannot understand…. completely”. 

Since March, I have periodically pondered if something is wrong with me…..even considering that being a widow for five years MAY have prepared me for this…… or maybe just being who I already WAS had helped me adjust quicker to living with “COVID isolation”……

Nonetheless, I believe the following has held true for me. THROUGH MY BEING A WIDOW:

~ I had already learned I needed to maintain a consistent daily routine to counteract depression

~ I had already become used to spending large amounts of time alone

~ I had already become accustomed to not having daily hugs, much personal verbal affirmation and close physical contact with people, unless with my best friends and immediate family

~ I had already learned to watch more TV shows and listen to music for pleasure and companionship

~ I had already realized attending church (in the building) wasn’t the end-all answer for me

~ I had already discovered how a small group of people fulfilled my need for weekly comradeship and Bible Study

~ I had already learned to rely on phone calls, texting, and social networking

~ To manage my stress level, the local morning news was limited to one hour

~ I had already learned a person can teach themselves how to not only survive but to eventually grow in and through daunting times.

~ I had already taken to heart my Primary Physician’s immediate advice after Loren passed, “Julia, be careful that you don’t become a hermit…you could (too easily) do that….”

Other than feeling like I am a muzzled horse walking around in a Sci-Fi movie, I’m thankful I live in a rural community where I’m not forced to daily see hundreds of masked people who look like old-western-movie-robbers casing a place.

Other than my hands becoming chapped and cracked from washing my hands 20x a day at my on-site job (literally), I’m grateful I don’t have to be concerned about multiple family members carrying random germs into my house.

Other than feeling incredibly sympathetic for the parents who suddenly are having to school their children at home, the parents who have either lost their jobs or the parent who has been forced to quit their job so they can school their child at home…… I am flat grateful that I raised my four adult children years ago.  Granted, I’d be capable of Home-schooling but our stress levels would be off the charts. 

If being a widow actually helped prepare me for life-as-it-is-now I guess I can be thankful.

My eaRly Christmas Prayer

Miscellaneous

It was just the other day that it dawned on me, ”I actually feel happy”.  This is a glorious-yet-bittersweet landmark for me!

Way before Loren passed unexpectedly, I had well-learned that a person can’t depend upon fickle emotions however for a person’s well-being it’s quite wonderful to enjoy feelings of contentment, pleasure and peace. 

I believe my successful steady progression…walking out of heavy grief to this point in my journey….has primarily been because of these:

  1. I still choose to not do careless things on the days I feel lonely….finding alternative ways to occupy my mind and emotions, counting on the next 24 hours being better.  
  2. I remain careful to choose who I hang with, clearly understanding that any single woman-who-should-know-better could easily be stupid…the last thing I need is regret.
  3. I hold my friends close to my heart, my children and grandchildren closer yet.
  4. I easily recall the examples of widows-who-have blazed-the-path-before-me.…taking their mistakes to heart.
  5. I choose to be easy on myself….not chastising myself that I choose to not search for another marriage partner.
  6. I continue to give myself permission to never give in to the pressure (from others) of “needing to get over Loren”.  Frankly, I like the security of loving him deeply….even when he’s gone.
  7. I purposefully take the stance that I’ll be the person (not another for me) who decides if the wind is shifting me towards opening up my heart to another man.

In addition to the practicalities of my everyday mindset:

  • I continue to give myself permission to acknowledge that God may not always be (what we humans believe as) “good”.
  • I give myself permission to not (spiritually) scold myself when my heart periodically feels that God is not good nor perfect in all of His ways.
  • I believe it’s healthy to “to feel”, as long as I have the clear understanding that my humanness is only fallible perceptions at a given moment….my feelings will not change the Truth of God’s Word. 
  • I am quick to smile and enjoy the content pleasure of the times I can readily agree in my heart that God brings good out of horrible situations. 
  • God’s love for me does not cease just because I am learning to know Him in an entirely foreign way than required before. 
LISTEN TO “MY CHRISTMAS PRAYER” performed by BeBe Winans. It may not yet be Christmas but these words will remain my heart’s prayer 365 days a year.

May God’s love rule and reign in my heart and life and may His comfort completely permeate me day and night….year around….ridding the pain that still periodically shadows me.

I HAD to LEARN HOW to NOT LOVE MY HUSBAND UNHealTHiLY. Chapter 1.

Miscellaneous

At 5 years out from becoming a widow, I’ve had much time to look back at my 37 year marriage with Loren……to lovingly reminisce of our happy times, to consider what we could have done differently…..of course, using my now-lenses….these glorious lenses that give me unending hindsight….being able to now-clearly take things at face value….having full opportunity to honestly evaluate the ways I could’ve improved in specific situations.  Because Loren cannot speak for himself, I’ll do my best to separate myself from what “he and I” thought… into what I have drawn as my conclusion.  Rest assured, it is not disloyal of me to share my insights of marital growth.  If the situation were reversed, he equally would be the one happily imparting his personal knowledge of the growth he and I experienced together.  He was a born teacher, a born communicator….well-gifted at both.

  • At age 20, I was not brave enough to seriously evaluate the (few) flaws I saw in our 9 month relationship before we married.  Because our love felt very strong and everyone seemed to think we were a great match  I (without coercion) willingly turned my head sideways as not to look straight ahead at a few things…..too young to have known those things might later be issues.
  • Because my brother and Loren’s father were Pastors at our church, Loren and I did not receive pre-marital counseling.  We would’ve been very wise to have sought out pre-marital advice from others.   
  • In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s it somehow felt unpopular, certainly unacceptable, to pursue guidance from a Professional….unless you were in dire circumstances.
  • By year 5, I fell into the downhill trail of avoidance, in other words, it was suddenly feeling too painful to face issues that were presenting themselves.  We later talked how we both knew things were awry at that point (we did consult with two separate Pastors two times in the following 20 years).
  • It was not until the 30th year of our marriage that I decided to pursue counseling for myself.  I loved Loren dearly, had read multiple Self-Help and/or Marriage Books, but I knew I wanted more personalized knowledge to gain understanding of myself and our repetitive patterns.  
  • Loren (without coercion of any sort) asked if he could join me in counseling: the best journey we ever took for ourselves and our marriage!!  

FROM EXPERIENCE I have learned:

  • “The easy way out will ultimately not be the easy way out”.  In the end it took 7 years of both partners purposefully-and-tearfully targeting key areas in our marriage.  We came back stronger than our Honeymoon Years but it was a tenuous uphill climb of constant commitment to participate in deep communication.
  • “It’s not OK for a couple to be just OK, if you’re doing it out of fear to upset the fruit basket”.  This scenario will just end up creating more apprehension which is not physically or emotionally healthy for our well-being.
  • “There’s a fine line between being a peacemaker vs walking in avoidance”.  For me, it took an objective person-counselor to help me sort through which was what in the different scenarios.
  • “You can love someone deeply and still be afraid to address the improvements that would lead to the path of greater intimacy.”
  • “If both people in the relationship are committed to sacrificially live to improve the relationship a heightened connection, camaraderie, love, and devotion will be attained”.

I reaped the rewards of a husband who was willing to climb the scary trail of transparency with me.  The end result was worth every ounce of effort put towards loving and understanding “OUR STORY”.

IT TOOK ME the EnTiRe First Five Years to LEARN THIS

Miscellaneous

When a person is slammed with a sudden death (for me, the kind where you don’t succeed in trying to revive them with CPR for 20 minutes)….it reeled me into an orbit of inwardly challenging every belief I had leaned on.  To distant onlookers I appeared as solid and strong.  I was borderline angry when multiple people told me, “Julia, you are so strong.” As time passed, I increasingly had awareness of the potential to do surprising-unthinkable-for-me things. Thankfully, I had family and friends for strong physical and emotional support, my sheer stubborn will, many years of experience walking out my Faith, and enough people praying for me to hold me in “a good place” as I walked towards more healing. 

Today, I listened to Michael W Smith’s song, SOVEREIGN OVER US.  I think this must be the 500th time I’ve listened to it in the past five years.  Somehow this song remains to be my mainstay.

The Definition of MAINSTAY is:  “a person or thing which something is based or depended on”.

While listening to the song today (three times in a row, I might add) I immediately reflected on how far I’ve come compared to the emotional status I was in the midst of those first three years of grief.

IT took me the FIRST FIVE YEARS to discover the following (in bold print) and be freshly reminded of things I already experienced (not in bold print):

  • I was finding God’s strength in the middle of heavy sorrow EVEN WHEN I couldn’t recognize it
  • God can work even when you do not think He is
  • It’s OK to not understand “the why” and be OK with never finding the answer
  • You will not feel abandoned and forsaken forever
  • God can be with you during your deepest waters and hottest fires
  • IF YOU search and ask… God gives abilities beyond capabilities
  • IF YOU want it, there is grace to walk through the mourning
  • A person can find a level of peace midst upheaval
  • Eventually a person FEELS the goodness from people and God
  • It will not feel as if you’re living in a curse forever
  • Death may not be your friend BUT YOU CAN TEACH IT to NOT be your enemy
  • IF YOU CHOOSE, you can gain great insight about yourself in/from loss
  • The death of a loved one does NOT HAVE to propel you into negative behaviors
  • Heaven DOES come to fight for you….many times
  • The distance from Heaven to Earth is NOT ALL THAT far apart
  • You WILL STILL sense your loved one’s presence, even five years later
  • Their words will OFTEN come back to you
  • You may even hear the sound of their voice periodically
  • Laughter returns
  • New joys can appear in other ways
  • When the less-frequent (now) grief slams you down it DOESN’T LAST AS long

I’m so grateful I have a Faithful God I trust in.  I honestly don’t know how I would’ve managed without.…….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x8TZiwPGa0.  (Michael W Smith and Sovereign Over Us), you can listen and watch him sing this song if you open the attached link.

The Widow and ONE CHANGE AT A TIME

Children, Death, Doing New Things, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Parting with deceased spouse things, Widowhood at 5 years out
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to say goodbye to this hair style and color. It was specifically suited for Loren.

In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE.  It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.

Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time.  It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes.  Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.

After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change.  The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much.  By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch.  For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system. 

Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet.  I pursued a project that would be meaningful.  I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren.  Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows.  Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.

At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch.  Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings.  Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.

At this 5 year mark, I have already sold my building in town. I have another hurdle to jump in July.  I took the initiative of asking my kids and grandkids to come out to the ranch on a Saturday.  We will be tackling the job of cleaning out the barn (incidentally, where I fractured both of my elbows in May….I was meandering through the narrow pathways to get to the air compressor).

I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me.  I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.

The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

5th Anniversary: REGRETS, LESSONS LEARNED, and WAYS I’M PROUD OF MYSELF

Miscellaneous

As I’m fast approaching the 5 Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing, that half decade mark, varying recollections have been free floating through my mind and heart. I must admit there are some regrets, hard lessons learned, and many accomplishments that come to mind.  

My Motto. I’m counting on this

Looking out the back view and side mirrors does wonders.  Hindsight is quite wonderful (here’s my disclaimer) but the few regrets I do have MAY not be 100% applicable to all Widows. In my case, I present my eight “I Wish I Would Have Known’s”:  

  • I would have gotten rid of his piddly (non-personal) things earlier (surprisingly enough, time has not made it any easier to start sorting through his shop. I’m still confused about what stays or goes and I find I do not trust the varied opinions)
  • I would have never paid off a Mortgage within the first two years
  • I would have never paid off bills of 4% interest rate or lower in the first two years
  • I discovered a person cannot project some of the large unexpected financial expenses that will come your way (the saga started within 3 months of his passing. I now look back and shake my head at the odds)
  • I discovered it took a full 2 years to experience the full impact of what it cost me to replace the many things that Loren could do (Labor:  vehicles, equipment repairs, maintenance on property)
  • I learned you’ll need cash monies for hiring Professionals to do the things your husband did (they don’t give discounted rates to Widows)
  • I discovered it took 24 months of the “trickle – down effect” to learn that I could not recreate “the earning power” that Loren had
  • I learned most Widows do not have “the borrowing power” either, by themselves (one example, when my well went dry and it cost me a total of $35k to put in a one mile waterline to successfully be hooked up to Community Water, running to the Bank for a loan was not an option because I had lost my “re-paying power” without his income)

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE AREAS WHERE I AM OF PROUD OF MYSELF ARE:

  • I immediately wrote down a “Losing-My-Husbands-Income-Budget” for my monthly expenses
  • I immediately took over the Finances and did not ruin my credit score. Ha.
  • I continued working two jobs even though brain fog and my body screamed NO!
  • I managed two properties, their upkeep and mandatory improvements, and a Business
  • I allowed myself to feel the intense deep pain of losing my husband
  • I found it helped to Journal
  • I kept going to Church (church was the most painful place of all…I would’ve rather stayed home)
  • I went to Grief Share and learned valuable tools for coping with grief (and made new friendships also)
  • I went to private Grief Counseling with a Life Coach/Marriage Counselor
  • I did not gain one pound or lose one pound of weight the first year (per Drs orders)
  • I did not develop horrific habits (other than keeping the TV on non-stop and eating something chocolate every day)
  • I maintained relationships with Loren’s siblings and family
  • I learned to navigate the new art of maintaining friendships
  • Relationships with my four adult children, grandchildren and extended family became a priority  
  • I became self-confident, discovering a man is not a must-have
  • I learned to like being with me, myself, and I

My most recent challenge is dealing with the immediate response that wants to arise in me when I hear, “Julia, just let God be your husband”…to me, that is a loaded concept….let’s just say, “That’ll be another topic for another blog”. Ha.

WIDOW BRAIN and How To HELP the WIDOW WITH It

Death, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, How To Help Widows, Loss, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows Managing Finances

At first, I thought I was losing it.  Or did I blame it on the shock of Loren’s unexpected death?  Amongst the searing pain with the never-ending adjustments of living without him,  I couldn’t put my finger on it… but how DOES someone identify something they’ve never lived with before…. this foreign symptom….how DOES a person have the where-with-all to even TRY to concentrate enough to process what is happening to them?  who can even verbalize it?….the heart and the body simply hurt too much.

…in complete honesty… I had been laughingly (slight humor remained in me) excusing myself with these two words… especially when with the people I felt safe with….just hoping that others, who didn’t fit in that category, didn’t notice the deficits.

WIDOW.  BRAIN.   Yes, I was an organized person AND I still ~ LEGITIMATELY had “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Forgetting to show up to a hair appointment
  • Having the oil changed in one of the cars 2,000 miles TOO EARLY
  • Forgetting to get a monthly venom allergy shot
  • Forgetting how to jump start a vehicle, how to start a generator
  • Inconsistently eating full meals and drinking enough liquid
  • Making out-of-character-for-me errors during Bookkeeping
  • Taking twice as long, at my job and at home, because I knew I needed to double-check all organizational and financial responsibilities for accuracy

PRACTICAL WAYS the Widow can combat her “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Keep a “to-do” list in a chosen place where you will often pass by it
  • Create an area where you will have easy access to your combined random notes
  • Write down important thoughts/future events immediately before you forget
  • Carry a Planner (Calendar and Notes) in your purse when you leave the house
  • Use your Calendar App in your cell phone for reminders
  • Every few days, compare your multiple “to-do lists” to make sure they are in sync
  • Journal ideas and insights (they will be few and far between in the 1st year of grief)
  • Get out of bed before 6:30 each morning and eat immediately
  • Be consistent with a new well-rounded routine, 7 days a week

PRACTICAL WAYS the Friends of the Widow can assist her:

  • Lovingly ask if she has eaten today
  • Lovingly ask if she is sleeping at night and taking a short nap each day
  • To jar her memory (per chance she has forgotten appointments) ask if there are scheduled Appointments she needs to be taken to

PRACTICAL WAYS Adult Children of the Widow can assist her:

  •  Per chance she is new to sole financial responsibilities, help her establish her new “Now-Budget and Payment Schedule” on paper
  • Per chance she hasn’t paid bills online before, help her learn to navigate it 
  • Ask about the status of the finances every few weeks and help if needed
  • Continue to assist her until Probate and because-of-death-transitions-and-obligations are completed

I’m just grateful I no longer feel the heavy weight of rocks, as in the picture.

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.