While watching Episode 27 of the OPB Television Series SANDITON…a lead character Charlotte is asked what she will do now.  By this time, she is starting to appear as a spinster.  Her 1^st fiancé had died tragically.  Her father then later arranged an upcoming marriage to a farmer whom she didn’t deeply love but she felt she must obey her father because this was the tradition in the early 1900’s.  In the final episode of Series 3, Charlotte broke off the engagement.  The farmer was good man but she wasn’t going to settle out of society’s necessity. 

“I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms”, Charlotte had said. 

I immediately pressed pause on the remote and re-played those words multiple times as I wrote them down.  A note had struck in my heart.  How poignantly stated.  What an amazing script. 

As a Christian who claims to serve God, some may immediately determine my relatable quote, “I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms,” to sound un-spiritual …. possibly even rebellious. 

I like to consider myself teachable.  Before Loren died I could’ve easily prayed, “I’ll go anywhere you want me to go, God.  I’ll do anything you want me to do.”  That would’ve been easy.  If God would have “called us to go somewhere” Loren would’ve been with me…plus, he would’ve had to equally felt drawn to make the change. The decision of change would’ve “HAD” to have been right because we both had peace about the decision. 

I believe in honesty.  God can handle it….besides… He knows my heart already.  The point I am attempting to make is this: I no longer quickly throw the words “I’ll go anywhere or do anything” out of my mouth because the truth is this:

After losing my world with him in it:

• Any change I make means doing it alone
• At this time I can’t imagine feeling peace about uprooting my life…..for anything

At the 8 year Anniversary point, I now see:

• Becoming a widow immediately forced me to make a choice, even though I wasn’t completely aware of that fact in the first 3 years.

FOR ME, THE CHOICES WERE:

• Find a man who is similar to my deceased husband…with similar skills and traits…a man who is highly respected amongst his community….a visionary man who can step in and manage our then-business…a man who could be a good companion in the home and in multiple social settings.

• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OR~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

• Be forced to become more independent, a woman who learns to think for herself…no longer focusing towards the team-work mindset in a marriage,  but learn to advocate and stand up for herself in the business world and as a property owner,  be willing to be considered “a rough and tough old bird”,  maybe even be called a “ royal B-I-&@* ” ……..(because unfortunately I’ve now experienced how women can become a target for the (thankfully) few-and-far-between men who need to make things hard for any woman without a husband).

 Because I’m by myself I feel like I’ve been forced to stand up….have my feet planted deeper….making my back appear straighter than it actually feels.

Ultimately I like who I am growing in to. I hope I’ll some day be that fierce lion…but well balanced… with some tender approachable traits too.

For many years  I had sung a song at church that continuously brought peace to my heart.  “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …not tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword…”

I had nothing to fear because I had the love of Christ.

The word “SEPARATE” took on a whole new meaning when Loren died.  In fact, a few times I, in deep confidence with two friends, shared how SEARINGLY PAINFUL the separation from him was.   Of course, the entire life altering event was horrific, the loneliness was debilitating, and the ongoing shock knocked me to the ground……… I felt as if a bear had his mouth gripped on one shoulder and a lion on the other side….their teeth crunched in to my flesh…. yanking…..stretching the tissue…..breaking bones and pulling shoulder joints out of their sockets.  My internal vital organs were being destroyed. The weight of the physical pain was cruel. 

It’s real.  I testify that the marriage ceremony is a miracle.  Not only do we pledge our vows before God and man… we can become one.  Those of us who were able to live the fruits of a marriage that lasted over 20 plus years, we testify to this.  Those of us who lost our spouses quickly understood the power of the spoken vows and the ability we had had to become one.

It makes sense that unrequested separation feels savage.

So this is MY personal revision of Romans 8:35. 

“Who shall separate Julia from the love of Christ?”

“(1)  Not the death of my spouse  (2) not the upheaval of my family’s life because of his death  (3)  not the sometimes not-so-quiet judgements from onlookers as they question a few decisions I’ve had to make  (4)  not the silent anger I initially  felt towards God because He allowed my husband to die so young  (5)  not the revolving mild depression a widow cycles through on Anniversary months  (6) not the tearful times of just wishing I could discuss a current situation with my deceased spouse  (7)  not the lonely moments when I’ve gone to the Specialist for a possible serious diagnosis  (8)  not the underlying sense of unsafety as I drive a 60 mile distance towards home at midnight (9) not the toll of the emotional weight that the newly-single-life can bring  (10) not the random  financial concerns when vehicles and furnaces need repair.” 

“Even though Julia’s cares are periodically very real, she ultimately has nothing to fear because she has the Love of Christ. “

I’ve finally set the date for the burial of Loren’s ashes.  It’s taken me 7 ½ years.    

We had had a beautiful Memorial service within a week of his passing.  That day, his ashes were still at the Crematorium – Funeral Home.  Death certificates were not yet recorded with the County.   It would be another week before my children and I could pick them up. 

Living with the shock of his death in comparison, that was OK. 

The Memorial Service attendance was astounding.  I was shocked of the large turnout on a Monday afternoon service.  63 of his Winco co-workers came to the service.  Winco had changed the delivery times to the stores so drivers could attend the service and still work their shifts.  Multiples of my coworkers came.  The School District I work for (where Loren served on the Board of Directors) ordered an early release day so the staff could attend the service if they chose to. Friends from Loren’s childhood and teenage years were there.  Friends of my childhood and teenage years were there.  Friends and Pastors from churches we had attended  were there.  Current and past customers of our two businesses were there.  Current and past neighbors were there. Friends of our adult children were there.  Friends of Loren’s parents and my parents were there.  Our extended families were there and gave us strong support.  The Wasson and Gingerich immediate families encircled my family and I…..loving and caring for us well.

To prove I do not typically struggle with great procrastination, I did not struggle to set probate in motion.  In all other aspects following a death I did things in a timely manner.

The kids and I had discussed varying options of what we might want to do….wear a Memorial necklace with his ashes, make blown glassware out of a portion of his ashes,  shoot a few rounds of shotgun shells with his ashes added to the powder,  create a Memorial garden behind the house.

Within a few months of his passing the kids and I went to the chosen local graveyard and purchased a plot.  We did this independently vs the funeral home managing the details.  I easily drew up the design for the headstone.   

It was at this point all forward motion stopped.  It now seems I had given myself permission to allow time to stop. 

Burial plot purchased soon after his death.   Check!

Designing the joint headstone.  Check!

Feeling ready to bury his ashes.  Uncheck……

Feeling grateful Loren had randomly mentioned he desired cremation.  Check!

Relieved there was no pressure or rush after cremation.  Check!

Daughter expresses her desire to be able to have a place to take flowers and remember him.  Uncheck…..

Finding ongoing comfort with Loren’s ashes being in the room where he had died.  Check!

Being indecisive if / how to lovingly use his ashes in his memory.  Check! 

Gathering all of Loren’s dress and work clothing….having them made in to 11 (eleven) Memorial quilts for each family member.  Check! 

Ignoring the reoccurring inward prompt that now may be the right time for burial.  Check!

Recently losing two uncles, one brother-in-law, and two first cousins within 2 years…each time gathering at their individual graveside services with family…finally….. newly sensing the importance of tradition….honoring the dead with respect and ceremony at the graveside burial.  Feeling pleased my kids will soon have the ability to visit a grave if they choose to.  Check!

Date set for private burial.  Check!

In the past 7 years, I’ve met many widows who quickly share how “the Scriptures” (as in whole) have meant so much to them during their new journeys of loss as they slowly move on towards a level of acceptance. 

I certainly am not one of those women. I have felt embarrassment, somehow even a reoccurring element of shame…. that I did not immediately experience a momentous breakthrough spiritually during my early years as a widow…sometimes feeling as if I was being judged that I wasn’t spiritual enough.   

I had memorized Psalms 23 when I was in Middle School….preparing for the annual Bible Memory Camp that required me to memorize 300 designated scriptures each year so I could attend the summer camp in the gorgeous Cascade Mountain Range.  

I had always found Psalms 23 to be poetically beautiful….I even sang and performed the New 23 Psalm song multiple times in concerts in the 1970’s.  Many people have often seen the chapter of Psalms 23 type-written on a program of a Funeral Service.

If I had not lost Loren I would have never discovered the new sense of purpose that I have gleaned from this passage that continues to lead me towards greater solace.

The words in black bold print are exact words from my Bible.  The words in parenthesis are my frequent ponderings that I meditate on.  

                                                      PSALMS 23:  1 – 16

The Lord is my Shepherd    ( I serve the true living God who shows compassionate nurturing care for me)

I shall not want  (In every relational and financial need that a single woman faces there is no reason to desperately search or panic.  I continue onward as I was, steady as possible… just now alone)

He makes me to lie down in green pastures (God will help me find “comfortable, safe, peaceful places” in family relationships, friendships, my needed down-time, and my work)

He leads me beside still waters  (He always takes me to calm waters where I can easily and safely drink from.  He will never lead me to churning rapids and scary waterfalls to gain nourishment as I heal)

He restores my soul  (If I let Him, the continual process of healing is slowly and surely doing its complete work)

 He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Names sake  (God will always direct me towards right living and wise choices, it’s not about appearing perfect but being a positive example)

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (When I’m living in the throes of death’s heaviness I need to remind myself that there will be an end to the shadow…knowing I will reach the end sooner as I carefully walk a straight course through the valley of the shadow)

 I will fear no evil (God clearly states He is watching over the widow.  What and whom do I have to fear?)

 For Thou art with me (and He is!)

Thy rod and staff comfort me  (I’m not sure I like the picture of the crook of the rod encircling my neck…pulling me back from a cliff..as if I am a dim-witted ewe.  Even the little corrections and seeming modifications He has already veered me away from / or leading me towards are for my good…the end result bringing comfort)

 He prepares a table for me (There’s no reason to starve spiritually during grief…plenteous protein drinks, soda crackers, jello, chocolate and banana cream puddings, and favorite flavors of ice cream are available for me while my stomach and palate are in a weakened state.  When I’m ready for the rich foods a gourmet buffet will be presented…special made for me!)

 In the presence of my enemies  (Death may feel like my enemy…unsurety/fear certainly is my greatest enemy….sometimes people too….just learning how I fit in to the social areas as a widow)

 He anoints my head with oil (Instead of wanting to run, pace or panic, the wisest thing I could practice would be to sit still and meditate.  That is when the soothing balm will pour over me)

My cup runs over  (Eventually I will be renewed enough that I will have great emotional and financial abundance to share)

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life  (I believe that the emotional and physical aging that came with the heavy grief will not overtake me forever…eventually my body will regain its full vitality)

And I will live in the house of the Lord forever!  (I can now recognize Gods continued goodness in my life.  I must embrace life in the land of the living…. where I am still placed…. and rejoice with new insight that my future days in Heaven will be greater than I can humanly comprehend). 

At this 7 Year Anniversary of my husband’s passing, I’ll be sharing the beginnings of My JOURNEY of CLIMBING OUT of the THROES of the VALLEY of the SHADOW OF DEATH.

It took me 6 years before I could honestly say I was “no longer lingering in the shadow” of Loren’s death.

Recently I Googled the definition of LINGER:

1. “Stay in a place longer than necessary because of reluctance to leave”.
2. “Spend a long time over (something)”.
3. “Be slow to disappear or die”.

In hindsight, Definition #1 surely described me.  

1. Each painful step of change during the grief and healing process eventually became “comfortable”.   However, I’ve discovered there’s a fine-line between “healthy comfort” vs “unhealthy comfort” in grief (that’s another topic for a blog).  
2. In those natural stages of grief (ie. denial, anger, on to acceptance) I chose to purposefully face each stage I was in.  That alone was exhausting but I’ve never wanted to be a person who sticks their head in the sand. It’s how I process in life.
3. While he, shockingly, lay dead in our bedroom….as I was weeping beside him on the floor…I then purposed to NOT be “a widow of desperation”…my definition: one who acts carelessly …making rash decisions.  It was at that exact point in time I was deciding I would choose to live an honorable example for my children and grandchildren.  “My happiness” and “Yipee, I get to start over” was never part of my mindset.
4. The first 3 years of grief naturally took me through the process of sorting through memories of our marriage’s “wonderful times” vs “our far-less-than-wonderful times” as a couple.  I innately knew I needed to allow this action….for I am a life-long learner.
5. Grieving while being transparent was taxing.  But, it was my important journey to make.  Frequent discussions with the 4 adult children occurred.  We discussed our different grief journeys and the individual relationships they had had with their dad.
6. To summarize: Grief alone doesn’t automatically erase the areas that needed healing.  Too often surviving family members gloss a struggling relationship…fearing honest discussion will dishonor their deceased loved one. That is far from the truth.  Privacy is important, of course, but truth laced with love brings honor and healing. Gratefully, our family has found this and hold to it.
7. The rewards of understanding were fruitful and brought me an inner resolve that I could be at peace over losing Loren and even recognize “the good”:  our family pulling together in a greater way than before.
8. At the 6^th Year mark I knew “I needed a break”.  It was not an issue of my being depressed.  I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t meet the criteria.  But please understand, in 6 years I had lost my husband, my father, and three very close girl friends…ALL of them key people in my world (AND this doesn’t count the 7 other deaths of family members in the past 6 ½ years).
9.  I simply needed the fish net of on-going grief that I seemed to be encircled in…CUT. 
10. At this point I then made a wise decision that I needed more change:   Maybe travel more?  Find a hobby?  Return to composing music?  Write a book?  Cut the symbolic chains in one area and possibly tighten the chains in other areas.  

It was one specific day while driving home, while listening to an inspirational speaker on the radio, that this speaker commented on God’s goodness.…as I vividly recall, my upper lip actually curled up slightly and I voiced a soft “Uhmph” sneer… all without anticipating my response at that moment.  I immediately realized I had seedlings of mistrust with a snarky attitude towards God.

I felt alarmed.  It was apparent I had come to another crossroads.  Continuous loss and grief and legitimate pain had obviously taken a toll on me.…add on to that the now-apparent build-up of hurt from the on-going deaths.  The tenderness I once had towards God seemed to be crushed.    I needed a refreshing revival of life. 

I made a conscious decision of break-through.  A deliberate out-of-my-norm.  Instead of going to my 2^nd cousin’s husband’s funeral on the given Saturday, I signed up and went to a weekend Seminar at a church in the South Willamette Valley.  Yes, I had a mild struggle with feeling guilty that I should’ve been at that funeral because no one was else would be there to represent our family.  

But, that weekend was paramount!! Maybe even a figurative do-or-die. I knew it before I went and I certainly knew it while being there.

I had taken a stand. A higher level of living had to become a higher priority. It had become the season to bring back a higher commitment towards life and spiritual growth.    

I could feel a large chain fall from me.  The process was already starting.

…yes, I’ll always cherish and miss Loren.   But I just can’t dry up into a withered soul. 

At more than 6 1/2 years out from losing my husband, the above prayer absolutely sums up what I need to journal/write.

This last Christmas was the 7th Christmas without Loren. O, how I struggled with #7. Starting November up through even now I have had a simmering low-degree turmoil about the soon arrival of Anniversary Year #7. I even Googled information about #7. It seems Christianity and most every other Religion finds meaning in 7.

Quote Google Search, “Number 7 is said to be one of 4 numbers that symbolize perfection or completion”. With my experience in the journey of Grief, perfection and completion simply cannot be true.

I certainly have come to a point of generalized rest from unrelenting sorrow. I certainly have arrived at the point of routine….living my (now) sometime-boring life because Loren kept me hopping with activity in every facet of our lives.

I have happy times and sad times, good vs bad times…..

…….the heart-wrenching fact, however, is I no longer have ecstatic moments. As I reminisce over memories since he’s passed…. of grandchildren’s births, traveling, friends, work, family, Holidays and all…I cannot recall ecstatic euphoric moments. As sad as it feels to ponder, I am thinking that will never happen without the thrill that comes from deep love.

And for me, my desire for deep love is still inter-connected with my undying love for Loren.

Lord, help me remember my life will always be a weaving together of good and bad. I know You ordain our steps so I believe You must have me exactly where I am to be.

Her years of college and up through her late 20’s, before marrying in 2018, our daughter Brenna would share her persistence to “Guard Her Heart”.  Many times, I heard her quote Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart for it is the well-spring of life”.  I was pleased to know of her willingness to remain wise and wait to marry the right man….  for, she HAD dated some prior handsome, seemingly awesome, thoughtless toads along the way.  Brenna’s daddy used to tell her, “Someday there will be someone who thinks YOU are the BEST thing that’s EVER happened to him.  Just wait.  He’ll come along some day” (She waited.  He did)!

Let’s just say, “I now, experientially, understand Brenna from a single person’s point of view”.  I have met someone(s) for coffee or a meal (all men who I prior knew face to face ~ no online stuff).  I had told at least one of my adult children what I was doing because I wanted to tell them.…to me, accountability is safety.

Each time, I immediately knew I wasn’t guarding my heart completely.  Each time, I almost felt sick to my stomach in dread.  I felt torn because it equally felt great to be meeting a man socially over coffee and a meal.  Brief companionship and communication with a male brings a nice reprieve. 

By most standards, I dated a lot in High School and College.  Being young and single made it different.  And fun.  And natural.  And, yes, all the while I was a lively Christian girl who maintained strong morals.

But it’s different now.  For me, it does not “feel natural” for a 60 plus year old mother of four, grandmother of eight to date….. (I can’t tell you how PAINFUL it feels to even need to be in a position to have said that….) 

Because Loren and I were a couple that talked about many candid things…(you know, “THAT CONVERSATION” that no married couple ever REALLY wants to talk about but maybe EVERY married couple SHOULD really talk about?)…..he and I had discussed and came to an agreement what we would expect of each other should the other one pass away sooner than later.

In earlier blogs I was adamant that I would never be open to finding someone else to share life with. 

You might ask where I am at today…….there is not a quick answer because:  

• I love doing things my own way… being accountable to God and a trusted few.

• I wanted to grow old with Loren ‘til I died.  Our theme was “come grow old with me…the best is yet to be”  (and quite frankly, at 6 years out from his passing, the idea of growing old with someone else, still, is not the LEAST bit appealing…but I know he never would have expected me to remain alone).

• I ALSO do not want to be someone else’s PURSE nor do I want to be their NURSE (nor do I expect another man to be my purse or nurse….however, relieving the financial pressures of living alone has its appeal).

• I guess “I should NEVER say NEVER”  (but I refuse to settle out of desperation…plus, I very much have a relationship of love with my deceased husband).

•  I think it’d be very difficult to fit into the rhythm of another person’s life at my age.  I remember the real challenge when I was just in my early 20’s!

 I think I’ll keep my social life to the ladies who enhance my life, make me laugh hysterically, while also bringing sound advice and solid shared life experience to the table.  

That sounds like the most prudent way to live… relationally and spiritually.