Life holds surprises. An unsuspecting health issue arose out of no-where…Just when I thought I was becoming familiar with the “new normal”.
Grief took 2nd seat when my physical body went into full crisis mode a few weeks back. When I was diagnosed with a partial bowel obstruction. Grief once again took 2nd seat when I was later told the obstruction had increased in size. When the Dr’s performed an emergency exploratory surgery. When they found a mass near the obstruction. When a bowel resection was done. Grief still took a 2nd seat as I waited 3 days for results of the biopsy. When the words “clean / benign” were said. I was not grieving. I was living in a state of calm.
On the 13th day in the hospital I started feeling better. It was on that same 13th day that the tears returned. When the sorrow of the loss of my husband returned. Feeling the grief that he had not come to see me in the hospital. He had not called me or texted me. He was never there with me….at least consciously he wasn’t.
On the 14th day I cried more. Cried in relief that my 4 children had not lost yet another parent. Cried in relief that my young grandchildren had not lost their grandma. Cried in relief that my extended family had not lost one more family member.
Grief is back in 1st seat, 2 weeks after the emergency surgery…6 days after being released from the hospital. The roller coaster ride of grief has thrown me right back to where I was before, months back. Any level of peace I had felt is gone. I’m feeling edgy that I’m alone. I’m feeling dissatisfied with my life. Nothing is bringing a deep peace. Not even my close widow friends. Not even my extended family. Not even my worship to my Lord.
The only thing that brings a high level of peace is being with my children and grandchildren. It’s with them that I see Loren. It’s with them that I feel Loren! In Brianne, I see his eyes…his ability to laugh quickly and hard…and his gift of good conversation. In Jasper, I see his walk…his movement and thought processes as he works at the ranch running chainsaw and working in the shop….his zeal for a hobby/interest. In Jasmine, I see his drive and that ability to laugh quickly….the ability to visit with any person, a necessary skill when working with the public. In Brenna, I see his compassion for children…to hug them and hold them tightly….to sit quietly and patiently, waiting if it takes me awhile to express what I’m thinking and feeling.
While thinking of our 4 children I can smile. I can feel happy. Knowing I have present joy with my kids brings me great hope. Hope for my future.
“Dear Lord, I’m so grateful for the children Loren and I have together. They will always be our children. They truly are a life saver for me right now. Let this deep reoccurring passage of grief be yet one more reminder that life is short. Your Word says our days are numbered. Don’t ever let us take each other for granted. Amen. “
So, that morning when my husband dropped and quit breathing I instinctively knew to call 911 and to immediately start CPR since it’s a good 10 minute drive to my house. I didn’t allow myself the privilege of watching the clock because I knew every minute, even second, counted. Life and death counted.