TIME and GRANDKIDS with GRIEF

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home.  I always look forward to time with them.  Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities.  Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures.  Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round.  Adeline is stretching up.  Olivia is growing too fast.  Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day.   And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes.  His grandchildren brought him deep joy.  Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do.6DG_3857

The grandkids and I kept our routine.  Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal.  Oreo’s.  Ate at Coyote Joe’s.  Popcorn at 10 p.m.

  • I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies.  To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD.  That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday.  Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death.  That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.
  • Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length.  She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.
  • Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen.  Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.
  • Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me,  “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked.  But, with childlike faith we prayed.  I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling.  Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be.  I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “

EMERGING

Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

QUOTE OF MY WEEK:  “Grief Feels Like Fear”.   C.S. Lewis

My counselor tells me I am “emerging”.  I’ve been told this is a good sign as far as the grief journey goes.  I no longer am fixated on his death.  I fixate on my loss less than I used to. But, I’m having to learn to say, “I”.

My husband was a force.  I had described him as a force for years but only until today have I taken the effort to Google the definition of FORCE:  “Strength or energy as in an attitude or movement”.

I loved that he was a force.  And I also struggled with it, as his wife.  I needed his zeal and determination.  But I was exhausted trying to keep up with him and most people consider ME to be a high energy person!  Much of my identity and the many tastes were centered around who Loren & I were as a couple.  We were together 37 1/2 years. “WE” were individuals but still one. The miracle of marriage.

Through a course of many events and key people in our lives, we all, as children, eventually emerge into the people we will become.  But today, September 12, 2016, parts of me feel as if I am a child, again.  Periodically I feel “afraid”.  Now, I don’t feel afraid about tomorrow.  I don’t feel afraid if I’ll survive by myself.  I don’t feel afraid for my safety.  But,

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life Service.
  • I feel afraid of learning who I am, alone, at my age.
  • I feel afraid I may not see pitfalls by myself.
  • I feel afraid of bearing the big financial decisions by myself.  I miss his input.  We were a team.

It has been said, “Grief feels like fear”, quote C.S. Lewis.  Up until now,  at 17 months out, I would have not identified grief as fear.  I would have told you grief feels like an illness…changing my mind, my body, my emotions. But today I identify with C.S. Lewis.  Grief feels like fear.

You’d think I’d be thankful I’m “emerging” from that shocking, all-consuming grief that physically felt like a heavy cloud sitting on me.

I now see I was just starting to feel familiar with what I identified as grief.  Could I even say I was starting to feel “COMFORTABLE”” with grief and it’s unpredictable PREDICTABILITY?  Could I have settled and stayed in that state for the balance of my life?

“So, Lord, help me transition as the cloud no longer daily consumes me. I know Your promises, I believe Your promises.  I know them to be Truth in belief and experience.  Teach me how to trust You in life as it is now,  even while I’m feeling the fear.

”

UNREQUESTED CHANGES

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Another change is coming! Fall, my favorite time of the year.
Another change is coming.  I welcome this change.  Fall!

Except for the excitement that came when building our log home up in “those hills”,  except for the pleasure of exploring new restaurants with Loren, except for the thrill of driving a fast car, except for the enjoyment of painting a new color on a bedroom wall, I HATE CHANGES!

Except for going with Loren when he delivered groceries in his WINCO truck, except for moving furniture so I can decorate my home for the Holidays, except for relishing the beautiful fall colors and blankets of  fluffy snow, I HATE CHANGES!

See, I fit into the category of someone who likes routine.  I like comfort, pleasure and continuity.

When Loren died my whole world of “OUR CONTINUITY” was thrown into space as a planet spinning out of control into the abyss.

…the dimensions, the layers, the intensity, the depth of loss & change that a spouse faces when their life mate dies is SHOCKING:

  • The SHOCK OF SLEEPING by myself in our bed. At month #2 I still couldn’t sleep facing his side of the bed.  I had my back up against 2 pillows which felt like his back.Since we would touch while sleeping, this gave me enough comfort that I could settle in for 4 -5 hours of sleep.  Months later I was able to gradually stretch one leg out and not feel as broken by that empty space, where he should’ve been.  About month #10 I could finally sleep facing his empty side of the bed.  I’ve now adjusted.  It took a long time.  I can sleep on all sides of the bed.  I’m a glorified bed hog.
  • The SHOCK that at month #6 I suddenly didn’t want my brother’s hugging me.  It was too painful for me emotionally.  It only increased the longing for my husband’s huge, long bear hugs.  Receiving hugs from my father and son did not create the deep angst.  It’s now comforting to receive brotherly hugs.   I’ve adjusted. 
  • The SHOCK that within months my body resumed its desire for intimacy. I was still in deep grief but the desire to be close to my husband did not stop. My mind knew he had passed away.  My experience with his fast, vivid death knew he had passed.  But my body, my hormones, and my HEART did not know he was gone. I’m adjusting.  I choose to make choices that are pleasing to God; living as a wise, single, godly widow.   I’m adjusting.

“So, God, I know there must be 1,000’s of more changes coming my way but thankfully You’re gracious to not show me what’s in the future.  It would be too overwhelming and I would want to go hide in a cave and never come out.  Even in the midst of  change, I believe Your mercies are new every morning!”

P.S.  There ARE a few changes I don’t mind at all:  Less laundry.  Few lunches to fix.  🙂

I TALK TO HIS PICTURE SOMETIMES

Children, Death, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous
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This picture of Loren is the exact picture that is mounted on the wall. 

Many people in grief are afraid to honestly share lest they be viewed as mentally unstable.  We’re not mentally unstable. We’re not in denial.   We’re walking our  walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  We’ll come out on the other side.  In the meantime……

Most mornings and most nights I stop and look at Loren’s larger- than- life picture mounted on the wall near our bedroom door.  That is, the large picture that was displayed at the front of the church at his memorial service a year ago April 2015.  My man looks so stately in that picture.  When I mounted it on the wall, just days after the service, I declared out loud, “You still are the patriarch of this home and I’ll always love you.  I know a house is just a physical place on earth but this picture belongs here so I can see you as I come and go”.

Sometimes I  stand and smile lovingly into his eyes with a smile on my face, feeling peaceful.  Some days I stand and say, “I’ll always love you.”  It’s the next best thing to having him here.

Today I couldn’t smile.  In fact, I couldn’t see his facial features because my eyes were blurry with tears.  Memories simply aren’t enough.

Some days I briefly tell him, “Honey, I’m home!”  Of course I know he’s not in our home but I think I say those words for myself.  To hear my voice speaking to someone as I enter our home after a day at work.  And to have said those words is enough.  Enough for then, at least.

Months back a thought flitted through my mind as I stopped to smile at his face.  “Wouldn’t it be amazing if this picture was a  portal?  An open place between heaven and earth where he and I could see each other and just briefly sense each other?”   Of course I knew this was highly unlikely but that thought comforted me somehow.  Non-the-less, I feel a draw when I stand in front of that picture. I’ve discovered something new:  so does my 13 month old grandson who has never met his grandfather here on earth!!  He smiles and literally giggles out loud when he is lifted in front of that picture…while reaching his hands upward and forward to touch his beard.  You’d have to see it to believe it!

Tonight I’m going to step out on to the deck. I’m going to reach my hands up towards the stars in the heavens and say, “Even though I can’t be with you, dear husband and only one I love, I know where you are and Whom you are with.  I sorrow for myself but I rejoice for you, for YOU are with your Maker!”

“So God, I know the pain is just for a moment in the scope of eternity.  Keep giving me the necessary perspective to grow through grief. ”

QUESTION:  Can you name other things that you’ve seen people in grief do ~ as their way of helping them go through the process of letting go and moving forward? 

MY LIFE IS AN OXYMORON

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

Two months back girlfriend and co-widow Cindy and I had a leisurely meal together.

In transparency, we unhappily relinquished to the realization that we now have many days where we are “accepting our singleness”.  We both cried, EVEN GRIEVED THE FACT, that we are both, individually, walking into our “new normal”.   To develop the new normal has meant we are no longer daily screaming and fighting our way  througJulia summer 2014 road triph the loss.

For the first time in 14 ½ months I had woke up not thinking about Loren and his death and my loss. When I became aware this had occurred 4 things happened:

  • First, I felt a sense of pride that I had accomplished this.
  • Secondly, I went to my recliner and sobbed, hard……grieving how long I have been without him.
  • Thirdly, I started to think how living without him overwhelms me. I forced myself to stop thinking.
  • Fourth and lastly, I returned to the satisfaction that I am “doing this” and healthily.

The gammat of emotions I went through in that 10 minute period describes an oxymoron.  Webster’s definition of OXYMORON: “a combination of words that have very different even opposite meanings ~ a combination of incongruous words”.  This pretty much describes me.

Along with the surprising physical symptoms that join grief, with the mental and emotional upheaval that occurs during grief, I’ve come to honestly face the myriad of reasons why some people do not stay on the straight and narrow……that is, to side step to other vice’s that would numb the pain or give a temporary high.  There have been periodic times where I’ve felt so low, so empty, the loss of Loren taking me under in a whirlpool of deep dark waters…..where a deterent would’ve been a welcomed sidetrack for me to escape the pain I was feeling.

But I also have periods of time where I feel like my feet are back on the ground and I feel happiness, even purpose. I’m learning to embrace my peaceful times and am choosing to rest, literally and figuratively, in those moments.

“So, God.  Trying to grow while grieving takes so much effort.  Thank You for strong friends and wise godly counsel…plus a good dose of common sense to help me weigh out the consequences of every action because I very much care about remaining a good role model for my children and mankind.  Amen. “

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

Death, Family, Grief, Loss

I wrote this in my journal in May 2016 just before our 2015-2016 school year was coming to an end.  I believe music will forever trigger me….take time to read what happened to me that day.

I’d gone five days without shedding a tear.  I could even say I’d had five days of happiness & acceptance of my lot.  My life felt full of good things.  That is, UNTIL THAT AFTERNOON in the middle of my music class with Mrs. Draper’s 3rd graders.

UNTIL I heard the first few lines of Willie Nelson’s song,  ALWAYS ON MY MIND.  I turned it off after a minute.  IT WAS TOO LATE.  This song wasn’t even Loren and my song.  We knew of the song and it’s “famous-ness”.  The song was sentimental, for sure, but the song held no emotional component for me.  UNTIL NOW, that is.

After hearing a portion of this song my body and emotions were catapulted back into pain & sorrow.  Hours later I’m still feeling remnants of:

  • The pain in my chest
  • The sick feeling in my gut, even at times effecting my digestive system
  • The tears that easily flow or remain bottled up inside of my chest
  • The sense of dread that, “THIS is real! THIS is not going away!  THIS will always resurface at the most inopportune times.”
  • “THIS” meaning:  just when I think I’m really moving forward, something out of somewhere comes around that immediately throws me back into another realization that my husband is gone forever, here on earth that is.

STEEP TRAILS

Miscellaneous

6DG_3857STEEP TRAILS

If you asked me today how I see myself, my immediate answer would be,  “I’m walking a steep, narrow, treacherous hill”.  There is an upside towering hill to fall in to but there is also a cliff that would spur me over into 100’s of feet…..dropping…..that is, should I lose my footing. There is no place to sit and casually observe the scenery around me. I feel I must keep moving because of the incline.  I hope for a destination that allows me reprieve. “

Of course I allegorize the meaning of this picture.  Of course I can spiritualize the meaning of this picture.  And I believe both of those are meaningful, even important.

But my greatest need in the 16 month  journey of grief is to PACE MYSELF.

  • Pace myself in feeling the grief.
  • Pace myself in cares of this world such as jobs, financial matters.
  • Pace myself in caring for the ranch.
  • Pace myself in spending time with girlfriends.
  • Pace myself with children, grandchildren and extended family.

Out of the list above, the most difficult “pace myself” has been pacing the grief.

I’m at an odd place.  Up until now I had been journaling, reading books on heaven and grief, allowing myself time to sit and reflect as needed.  Every day! On the other hand, other than spending an hour each week with my good friend and counselor, I have found myself purposefully NOT allowing myself the “pleasure of grieving”.

“What?  Pleasure in grieving?”  Well, yes and no.  Allowing myself to sit and cry is a physical release.  Built up grief weighs me down.  Built up tears are an oppression.  Torrential tears are frightening but wipe the slate clean for a few minutes at least.

You could say I am becoming more intentional, more purposeful in my grief.

  • For myself I need to be.
  • I need to stay focused. Loren did that for us as a couple.  I need to do it for me.
  • I need to stay on the steep path towards healing.
  • Any deterrents from purposeful healing could be threatening to the person I hope to become while remaining the person I am!
  • Now is not the time to become flippant about my standards of character.

“So Lord, I know You’ve been carrying me but there comes a time in this walk of widowhood that I must learn to walk.  Right now I see You setting me down here and there telling me to keep going, keep my eye on the trail and vision and proceed forward.  God help me!  Amen.”

 

MISSING MY PROTECTOR

Miscellaneous

MISSING MY PROTECTOR

Psalms 48:6  “He is a father to the fatherless and a defender to the widow.”

Within hours, after my husband’s body was removed from the home, I started to feel I had no protection. That might seem odd because I had a houseful of people at the home to mourn with me. I did not feel scared to be alone “per se”.  I did not feel scared because I am a woman who believes in the right to IMG_0656 (1)bear arms.  I am a certified gun safety instructor.  You can bet it won’t be me who goes down if I am in a “fear for my life situation”.

Still I felt, O, so very exposed and vulnerable.  A greater level of devastation had occurred because my protector was gone.

Immediately I solicited brother’s Galen & Dennis and my father’s help.  Telling them I knew I would need extra wisdom since my husband and I bounced ideas off of each other all of the time.  The intent was not for them to replace Loren, but I knew I could trust their judgement because they are wise, godly men with healthy life experience.

Literally, just months before Loren’s sudden death, I started loving to hear myself calling him “husband”. It was new for me to have such fondness towards that word.  Loren had became proficient at coming up to me, placing his arms around me and telling me, “You are such a great wife.”  You could say I actually felt giddy calling Loren my husband and hearing him say I was his wife.  I had then googled the word “husband” and learned it meant “to care for, to be a good steward of,  to manage.”  Another meaning might refer to a husbandman who cares for his vineyards or crops.

This was my husband.  To a “T”.  And he felt that way about our family.  Up until the day he died he would want to discuss his care and concern about our adult children.  Once a father  always a father.

There came to be great safety in our relationship.  A safety where the two live at a high level of transparency….the kind that could tear your soul in half yet bind wounds at the same time.  You could say we BOTH protected each other.  We fought for our marriage.  We fought for each other. We worked to have the bond we ended up having.  Husband and wife.  Protectors FOR each other.  Protectors WITH each other.  Protectors TO each other.

In my heart Loren will always be my husband.  Legally, I know he’s not my husband because the marriage vows say “til death do us part”.  But we shared that miracle of marriage for 37  years.  The circle won’t be broken.

“So, Lord.  One scripture says, ‘Thou O Lord art a shield about me…You’re my glory…and the Lifter of my head.’  Even when I don’t see the shield or feel the shield, by faith I choose to believe that it is there.  Thank you for Your protecting power.  Thank  you for being my defender.  Amen! “

 

 

 

 

TERROR OR ADVENTURE

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baby elk separated from the herd on our property 2 years back. He rejoined the herd a week later!
One morning this baby elk stood within inches of Loren’s car.  The elk was separated from his herd but soon rejoined them as the herd passed through days later.

I dedicate this weeks blog in memory of my husband who passed away 16 months ago today.  Loren loved the herds of elk that meander through our property.  He was a true outdoors-man. Forever in our hearts.  As the song says, “So close, so close but yet so far……”

TERROR  OR  ADVENTURE?

Thankfully I have one super-close friend, Cindy, who is my age.  We’re only close because we share a life experience. I can describe every nitty, gritty detail of how much I miss Loren. She misses her husband like I miss mine.  See, her husband died unexpectedly also, 2 years back.  We’ve both been told multiple times, “You’re too young to be widows”.  We agree.  But we’re not God and we don’t have the power to change life and it’s circumstances.

We’re both discombobulated at times.  Things like her water pump going out on her fish pond.  After replacing the second pump she still had to order a third pump!  Things like my well going dry.  Things like having to bring the water line one mile to hook up to community water and the decisions of purchasing which booster pump and where to place it.  Are we capable with others wise advice?  Absolutely.  Are we still very nervous that we’re not making a wise decision?  Absolutely.  See, both of us were in marriages where we talked things out with our husbands.  We were sounding boards for each other.

It’s scary if I think too far ahead.  Whereas I used to love dreaming with Loren.  Dreaming about his soon-to-be retirement years, those times seeming full of promise and adventure. I so loved the idea of growing old with him.

He and I were known for packing our bags for one day or a weekend, with no particular place in mind.  We just knew we were heading out.  I can’t begin to tell you HOW MUCH FUN we had on those jaunts!

I felt more courageous on some jaunts because we were together. When he’d take off on some back gravel road with a map, a gun, bottled water, a few snacks, and blankets for warmth, I still had this underlying sense of fear because of the “what if’s”.  The night we hiked up and down the streets of downtown Seattle at midnight scared me.  I felt safe with the large, strong man who was packing.  But there still were the hoodlums hanging out in the dark corners that I was worried about.

I am still grieving the loss of Loren and the loss of adventure with him.  I imagine I will until the day I die.

But Cindy and I dream of going to Disneyland together.  Brianne, Brenna, and I (hopefully Jasmine & Jasper, too) dream of going on an Alaskan cruise together.  Brenna and I are making plans to go on a Holy Land trip.  And I’m hopeful there will be more Disneyland trips with the granddaughters and Brianne.

“So Lord, help me gain a new mindset.  Help me learn to experience life as it is now.  I know You are always with me. The scripture says we are never alone, but quite frankly that knowledge, even TRUTH, is not enough. I need something TANGIBLE. Thank you for friends and family during the times of terror and adventure.  Amen.”

I FEEL LIKE I’M TWO PEOPLE

Miscellaneous

 

As I merge closer to healthiness as a grieving widow, there are times I’m concerned how I can feel happy / even content and moments later be triggered into a deep, heavy sorrow.  Happiness.  Torrents of tears.  And, the interests I once loved are now close to gone.  Who am I now?……other than the obvious widow, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, and friend?

It’s a good thing I’ve counseled with my counselor Mary and participated in GRIEF SHARE,  a program designed for people who have lost loved ones.  I’ve learned I’m not odd.  Depending on the relationship, this is the journey we may walk……………………………….

If I had not been participating in counseling and GRIEF SHARE I would’ve thought I was “losing it”.

THINGS LIKE…..

  • Losing my ability to remain focused.
  • Losing my ability to memorize facts and lyrics.
  • Losing my ability to put energy into necessary projects.
  • Losing my ability to watch TV shows or listen to music Loren & I once loved.
  • Losing my ability to continue hobbies that Loren & I once enjoyed.

However, I AM GAINING…….

  • A heightened level of compassion for other’s who are experiencing loss.
  • A heightened level of  love and desire for my family.
  • An intense interest in Heaven, studying more scriptures about eternity with our Lord.
  • S L O W L Y  gaining the ability to worship my Lord without focusing on my loss.
  • New friendships with other widows and ladies with loss.

For myself, for my sanity, for my wholeness as a person, I need there to be more gains than losses!  Because everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I still face the loss of him.  My heart and senses desperately know this loss.

But once in awhile I see glimpses of Julia.  I can’t say it’s a new Julia.  It may well be the Julia who I was when I met Loren 39 years ago July 18, 1977.  She was a confident musician.  She loved living on the farm.  She loved the solace of the outdoors.  See, the day I met Loren I was not looking to be in a relationship.  I was looking forward to attending Portland Bible College  the following month.  I was excited about the new spiritual growth I had gained when attending college in Harrisonburg, VA months earlier.  As a college age girl, this Julia had hope for a future.  This Julia had faith God was leading her.

“So, yes God, I do feel like two people.  Someone who will forever be marked, labeled, and proudly identified in my heart as the widow of Loren.  Someone who dreadfully misses her husband. Yet, if I believe in the God whom I serve, surely I must come to a steadfast acknowledgment that God is in control….?  This would mean I need to accept there must be a purpose for my life as it is now.  Lord, help me right now because I feel so disjointed.  Amen.”