Don’t read this blog if you’re not brave. I’ve always believed in tasteful candor.

About month #4 into my widowhood a well-respected Pastor’s wife and friend, from a larger church in Salem, talked with me.  Sharing how too many Christian widows end up using alcohol in excess and participate in free sex, as a way to replace the love and fulfillment they felt with their husbands.  I was not offended in her warning, but carefully listened to this beautiful lady because I have utmost respect for her, knowing she would never have flippantly told me this.

I appreciated her candid knowledge.  I needed to have been warned. I had been accustomed to much physical touch and intimacy in my marriage.

At 19 months into widowhood, let’s just say, “I GET IT”.  I really get it.  I don’t need the alcohol to make me feel better, but the residing question is, “How do I channel the extra nurturing compassion that I have, the extra attention and effort that I had put towards my husband and our marriage”?

Out of my close- knit circle of single Christian women friends, there are some who have been widowed for a good while, having made a few proven bad choices along their journey. We listen to their stories and try to absorb their red flag warnings. Then there are some of us who are holding out, not being able to imagine that another man, as great as our husbands, would ever enter our lives.  Some are wanting a husband, snap your fingers…right now.

But, out of my circle of close friends, WE ALL AGREE, we should be responsible  to not assert the healthy behavior we used with our husbands on to other men, out of marriage.  See, we were used to receiving attention on a daily basis.

So, I say, “SHAME ON YOU, if you’re a man who readily runs into an available situation with a widow:

• Shame on you if you have taken advantage of a widow who is trying to inadvertently replace her husband.
• Because there are widows who feel lost.
• Because there are widows who are floundering emotionally and financially.
• Because there are widows who miss the strength of a man’s mere presence.”

And I readily and happily say, “THANK YOU to the men whom I regularly associate with:

• Thank you to those men who are responsible.  Who aren’t afraid to briefly visit with me and provide basic friendship.
• Thank you to those men who trust me, knowing I won’t be inappropriate, knowing I respect the marriage covenant they share with their wives.
• Thank you to those men who  provide safe boundaries so that I may also maintain my set boundaries. 
• Thank you, because I as a Christian widow need men such as you.”

Last but not least, please don’t be afraid of widows.  We are not piranha’s.  But, we are our own breed.  Forced to survive and hopefully flourish.  Choosing to serve God.

LEARNING TO THINK “me, myself and I” has been the 2nd hardest thing I’ve ever done so far in this lifetime.  As a child I was raised to function in the family structure.  I’d developed into an adult person who gave importance to “we”.  Yet, I’m more than aware there are some who view “me, myself and I” as a desired, happy place.  A place of independence, a place of personal achievement, a place to have conquered life without the support of a permanent mate……….  well, I can’t say I’m at “that place”.  I enjoyed marriage with Loren and the structure it provided.

But, being catapulted into singleness has:

• Caused me to acknowledge I can get by as a single person although

  

  this  would never have been my first choice.

• Put me in a position to feel inescapable loneliness.

• Forced me to learn to occupy my time with new things.

• Made me realize all the more how much I did depend upon and need my husband. A person just doesn’t realize how much “the two had become one” until you lose them. 

But, today I bear a banner saying “All will be well”.  Today I bear an attitude of gratefulness.  Today I bear a heart of thankfulness that I am blessed.  And I am growing. 

I am growing because:

• I’ve decided I can do this! Millions upon millions of people have lived unrequested single lives and existed in a godly, responsible, meaningful way.

• Even though I am alone and constantly aware of it, I’m finding my will power plays a role in helping overcome loneliness in public settings.

• I’m finally entertaining the mindset of being open to pursue new hobbies ~ new activities that may be different than the activities that Loren and I did as a couple.

“So, God…..keep giving me wisdom.  The scripture tells me You give wisdom to those who ask and since I ask on a regular basis, and stand beneath Your covering, that puts me beneath the open pipeline for a bucket  of wisdom to dump itself all over me.”

Happy Thanksgiving friends!  I’m blessed to have Loren & my 4 children and spouses, 6 grandchildren, my parents and siblings and their families, and my wonderful girlfriends Lorri, Eileen, Donna, Cindy, Kate, and the other ladies whom I’ve grown to love from Grief Share, along with Loren’s siblings and their families whom I love.  I am not alone.

“I heard Loren died. At least he didn’t divorce you.  Actually, it’s better he be dead.  At least you know where he is.”  Yep, you read right!  A waitress, about my age, from my little town said these exact words to me, verbatim, within the first 2 weeks of Loren passing!   I was shell-shocked to hear those words coming at me.  ( I later learned she went through a difficult divorce).

In my 19 months of grief I’ve also found much comfort from the people surrounding me.  People letting me know they love me.  People giving me undying support. However, I’ve also felt the sting of words I perceived to be careless. Further yet, I’ve personally faced a resistance to the words I label as “Christian-ese words….words taken from Biblical truths.  These same words have created deep turmoil because the words were not timely spoken, maybe never to be used in wisdom for bringing comfort to any wounded heart.  Well meaning people, serving the same Lord and Savior that I serve.  Yet the words were not salve to me.

So, here is my TOP LISTS of THINGS TO DO and NOT TO DO.

TOP 3 THINGS not TO TELL A GRIEVING PERSON:

• “God has a better plan for you”.
• “You know, the Scripture says God works all things out for good.”
• “Smile, think good thoughts.”  (written in a sympathy card within a week of his passing)

TOP 3 PHRASES THAT HAVE MEANT THE MOST TO ME: 

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “I’ll be praying for you”.
• “It’s so obvious you and Loren really loved each other.  You’ll always love each other.”

TOP 1 THING not TO DO:

• Run up to me at the Memorial Service, volunteering to do a specific huge project and then back out when I was later counting  on your help.  (2 people did this.  Both males.  Separate large projects.  I now feel they were acting out of their sorrow without thinking things through before promising something they couldn’t fulfill ~ nonetheless, I felt stranded.  For me, it would’ve been better they not even volunteered).

TOP 4 THINGS TO DO for general support:

• Talk about Loren, mention him. It’s impossible for me to erase him from my life experience and heart.  Please don’t erase him from yours.

• Learn to be comfortable with my brief, sudden spillage of tears. The tears go away as fast as they come.  I’m now happy more than sad.  Be O.K. with who I am right now.

• Invite me to social events.  I’ll consider coming.  I lived a very active life with Loren. I’m at an odd place right now going places by myself.  But, I still like to be remembered.  And invited.

• Be like the BILL WILLIS’s of this world!  Bill and Jeannie, friends of both Loren and I, offered to cut and provide firewood for my first winter without Loren.  That was a huge feat because I heat my entire home with wood fire. Bill did exactly what he said he would do and more!  With the extra wood that Dorian Herrick had offered to donate, I am also using wood from Bill’s labor through this winter.   Thank you,    I’m eternally grateful.

The moment I heard Pastor Scott Nelson say the 3 words “CLAP IN THE DARK” in his morning sermon at Morningstar Community Church in Salem, OR, I knew these words pertained to my life as a widow. I immediately knew there was depth to those 3 words, maybe far greater depth than I even comprehend now.?.

 Pastor Scott was using those words in context to how he almost tripped and fell over a group of girls when he was taking a nighttime walk through the High School church / youth summer campground.  Had it not been for the girl’s quick laughter and girlish delighted claps as they were in conversation, he would’ve (to his and their surprise) fallen directly on to them, possibly hurting himself and certainly those at his feet.

Well, I “clapped in my dark” this past Saturday, the day after the 18th month anniversary of my husband’s passing.  I initially had an acute sadness looming over me but plans had been made.  My dear friend, Lorri, and I went to the coast together.  I ate a delicious oyster omelette for breakfast at SEA HAG.  (If he had been here he would’ve eaten raw oysters but raw oysters are not my cup of tea).  I purchased a large bag of fresh, homemade caramel corn. (We used to take a bag back to our hotel room and eat away at it.  Yum.) I purchased a cute pair of shoes for school and another garment. (He would’ve been patient while I shopped but would’ve hated the tiny shop since it didn’t have a place to sit and wait).   I went to the theatre to see the movie SULLY. (The same theatre where Loren and I often grabbed a late evening show on a Friday night). After the matinee I clapped in the dark by going to DORY’S COVE to eat the coconut cream pie that Loren so loved.  (Somehow the pie did not taste as wonderful without him). Everywhere I went on Saturday was laced with memories of Loren and I.  But I was OK.  I was with Lorri and content with myself.

 I CLAPPED IN THE DARK!  I believe that…..

• CLAPPING IN THE DARK will be an act of faith for me.
• CLAPPING IN THE DARK will help me flourish. It’s healthy for me to make some noise.  To have some fun.  Otherwise I’ll be consumed with silence.
• CLAPPING IN THE DARK will energize me, to keep me moving forward emotionally.
• CLAPPING IN THE DARK is a sign of life, showing that I am not dead. I have not given up.  I am not disappearing at sea.

So, Lord, I’m gaining momentum. This old hymn comes to mind, ‘Precious Lord take my hand, lead me on, help me stand….’  And God, I know You are helping me stand and leading me by the hand.  I also have a strong suspicion there will be more upcoming circumstances that will once again force me to clap in the dark.  “