In my new world of firsts, I’ve now volunteered to serve as a door greeter at the 10:45 service on Sunday mornings. I’ve decided it is time to serve in an unknown capacity because I brought my years as a worship leader to the end, before Loren passed. I’ve decided it’s still healthy for me to no longer be up on the stage.
Serving at the back door of the sanctuary is a good and necessary change for someone who’s been in the forefront most of her life. At the back door of the sanctuary, I’ve enjoyed seeing faces that are foreign to me. I’ve enjoyed greeting people and passing out programs.
Because being a door greeter means remaining at your post up to 10 minutes after a service starts, I have started sitting in the back of church instead of my preferred place in the first 3 rows at church.
Who knew changing a location to be seated would dig into a new surprise layer… another layer of sorrow. Another reminder of my alone-ness. Another distraction in my ability to focus on God.
WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:
- I have discovered there are a minimum of 60 other individuals sitting alone, week after week.
- I have discovered there are 10-15 other adult men sitting alone, week after week.
WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:
- I watch couples. Couples between 40 to 70 years old.
- I watch couples who don’t touch each other at church. Obviously long married couples who believe in no PDA (no physical display of affection).
- I watch couples who sit close to each other, as my husband and I did, who are relaxed with the art of physical display of affection. Happy for that extra chance to snuggle against the spouse. Happy to sense each other’s presence while enjoying the House of the Lord.
WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:
- I have become distracted which hinders my ability to focus on worship.
- I have again felt deep loss in a place and setting where I need to be rejoicing.
Who would’ve known, at 26 months out, I’d still keep bumping in to new situations …all that demand a response so I can forge ahead in this grief journey?
It’s simple. I choose to worship outside of deep sorrow and distractions. I choose to resist the temptation of avoiding church so I don’t face these uncomfortable feelings.
It’s simple. I will walk up that aisle and sit within the first 3 rows of the sanctuary after I’m finished greeting.
God, I pray you’ll help me become happy and content at church. I’m learning how to worship You again but I miss the happy and content part when attending church.
Thank you Julia because I still have a problem going to church or any place with out Tom it still hurt alot I know I need to let it go but it is so hard , I hope it was ok to write on here,
Shari, I love you writing “on here”. It’s perfect! I’ve had to force myself to keep going to church. Being at home amongst the memories feels the best to me. Being in the room where he passed feels the best to me. And maybe we don’t need to “let it go”…..Maybe, just maybe, we’ll always hold our husbands tight in our hearts because we loved them deeply. Don’t ever feel guilty because you’re struggling. Don’t let other’s make you feel rushed because it’s YOUR grief story. YOUR grief journey over YOUR love relationship between you and Tom. Love you, friend. Julia
For years, I chose sit in the back row because it provided the opportunity to quietly pray for people I observed in front of me. This added an extra dimension to the experience of God’s dynamic presence. Perhaps you may be being called to some of that kind of experience.
Max, thanks for sharing! Julia