Just mere months after Loren had passed, my oldest brother Galen Gingerich, pastor of New Horizons Church in McMinnville, (http://New Horizons Church) had taken me out for lunch and while walking to the car he was quietly singing “YOU’RE A GOOD, GOOD FATHER…THAT’S WHO YOU ARE.…” Not only did I feel dead inside, I truthfully cringed at those words. Something inside of me recoiled. The God that I had known and served had not demonstrated His goodness towards me, especially with my husband’s sudden death introducing a level of trauma because I couldn’t revive him with CPR. My pain was so deep ~ grief had it’s way. Griefs way of blinding me from the goodness God had demonstrated in my life prior to ” THAT day”.
Recently, while rocking grandson Lincoln before his bedtime, I found myself singing that exact song, “You’re a good, good Father…that’s who You are…and I’m loved by You, that’s who I am…” I was suddenly surprised to discover a portion of the song freely flowed from my lips.
This morning marks 21 months. 21 months since THAT day. I am just now beginning to feel warmth when I sing of God’s love for me. It’s become easy to sing of God’s love. I so welcome the ability to once again feel God’s presence.
But I cannot sing, “YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your ways…..YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your Ways…” It’s like my throat freezes. No sound comes out. I become stationery. My body feels like lead. My mind shifts into neutral… I feel like a mechanical robot. Just during that portion of the song. I can’t seem to sing those words. It would be difficult to force the words out plus I feel it would almost be a form of hypocrisy for me. It’s like a portion of my widowed heart does not believe those words…..the words, “You are perfect in all of Your ways”. For certain, I know my heart cannot acknowledge those words. YET.
Losing my spouse and purposing to grow through the loss has become my greatest spiritual challenge. A difficult race. Even a test, I wonder. For years I have believed and confessed that God is in control of my life. Deep inside I still believe that. I still put my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ but I just can’t see the big picture and since I have not readily embraced “the new picture I’m living inside of”, at times, I have turmoil inside of me. I especially feel the turmoil on this one song. During this one section of this song.
But, in time I’ll need to start singing those words….. “You are perfect in all of Your ways, You are perfect in all of Your ways…”. I’ll need to sing those words in faith even if I don’t feel it or understand it. And I know that time is drawing closer. Closer to more surrender. I just know it.
Julia,
Incredibly beautiful messages!
Your experiences, your private contemplation, your insights, your conclusions, your struggles to keep your heart on the right path, your use of words to communicate, and most of all… your intense love for God even through the pain and sorrows, it is ALL profound wisdom and a beautiful example for others who may be on that same journey of empty, painful, bewilderment.
Surely God is using your ashes as credentials for you to gain access to the fortress that isolates and protects the heart of the hurting. Someone who is going through it (like you) is sometimes the only one who can reach the other hurting soul.
Naturally, I do not know all of God’s purposes behind His allowing your wonderful husband to pass away at this early stage in your life, but I do know one thing (just because it is so evident!): God is working IN you and THROUGH you in ways that are producing eternal fruit in your life and the lives of many.
Your humble transparency and your love-tenacity are being used by God. Please continue to share your journey!
~Dave
Thank you, Dave. Thank you. Thank you for your encouragement and blessing. I’m humbled. God bless you, also. Julia
I can identify 100%, even to the CPR, when I woke up and we found him face down on the floor, blue, and my son started CPR, while I called 911 over and over again. Those moments are forever seered into my mind, and return at the most awkward times. It is hard to go to church, I often choose to stay home and watch it online, communion is difficult, but in my mind I know God did what was best, as the word says I now see thru a glass dimly, and one day I will understand, in my mind I know, but in my heart? Well that still aches for his love and companionship. COokie
Yes, I believe I’ll always remember those moments…20 minutes of fervently applying CPR until the medics arrived. I so understand what you are saying: “forever seared”. From one widow to another, you get it! God bless you, Cookie. Julia
Honesty and introspection in worship are rare, precious and beautiful. Many mouth the words put before us as ritual, without assessing how they fit with our true feelings and sense of God. It is never a matter of how we “should” feel, but always a matter of how we do feel. It is not valid to criticize or to praise ourselves for how we feel by judging ourselves against the words of ritual. Those words may not fit our individual and unique connection with God. God accepts our true feelings, and nurtures them as we let him into where we really are. The words of ritual can then sometimes play a part in God’s nurturing process. Thank you for your candor. It is an encouragement to others facing, or needing to face, their true feelings.
Thank you for your input! God bless you. Julia