At 25 months out I find my conscience shouting! Shouting at me! To the point where, all the while living with my clear conscience and the peace within, I come to a standstill and say, “God, what are you trying to tell me?”  Good grief!

Rarely does God show me areas that I need to immediately correct. But many times I see a dashboard.  With a flashing yellow light.  Even a flashing red light.  In my minds eye I see the straight and narrow road with little forks meandering off to the right or the left.  I have been determined to serve God and not deny my faith even though I questioned God and His goodness for a long while.

I now consider the possibility of me being PLACED HERE.

If quote “temptations” were thrown in front of me during year #1 of widowhood I didn’t notice them because I was frozen in my grief.  Consumed with the heaviness of grief looming in my heart, body, and mind.  Surely locked in that wonderful cocoon of fresh memory, even a haven of entwined love between the spouse who passed and the spouse left, me.

Now entering my 3rd year of widowhood,  the heavy grief has lifted and tears periodically flow but I must tell you the multitudes of choices, decisions, and yes, temptations swirl around me!

I’m not interested in looking for a companion on the internet, not looking for a person to date…yet I most certainly feel the void of not having my husband and our tangible, incredible connection.

At times I feel stranded…yet..maybe..SOMEHOW PLACED HERE…by life, by circumstances, by death…and I’m now starting to believe BY GOD.

You may ask, Julia,…what are the TEMPTATIONS you face, as of today?

• (Only for the sake of companionship and because he’s a connection with my husband) the temptation to meet that man for coffee as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).
• (Only to stay in touch with my husband and our days at the racetrack) the temptation to meet that other man for a quick dinner as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).

So, I listen to my conscience. I deny my desire to reconnect.  With those men who are pieces of his past…

You may ask, what are your CHOICES that other’s do not already deal with?

• Something as simple as, what am I going to do this Saturday? For 37 years my husband and I determined to spend time together.  Our past few years, Saturdays were precious.
• What church best fits me? We chose a church that suited us as a couple. I now choose by myself.
• What vehicles do I drive? And keep?  He had his. Plural. I have mine.
• How long do I keep a vehicle when I’m having to put money in to it in repairs? I’ve lost the  majority of our joint income.  Things are different now.

Regarding that dashboard with the periodic flashing light?   God knows my future….He knows what’s coming down the pike. I think I’ll keep watching the dashboard.

Psalms 32:10-11.  “Many are the woes of the wicked..but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.”