Two months back girlfriend and co-widow Cindy and I had a leisurely meal together.
In transparency, we unhappily relinquished to the realization that we now have many days where we are “accepting our singleness”. We both cried, EVEN GRIEVED THE FACT, that we are both, individually, walking into our “new normal”. To develop the new normal has meant we are no longer daily screaming and fighting our way throug
h the loss.
For the first time in 14 ½ months I had woke up not thinking about Loren and his death and my loss. When I became aware this had occurred 4 things happened:
- First, I felt a sense of pride that I had accomplished this.
- Secondly, I went to my recliner and sobbed, hard……grieving how long I have been without him.
- Thirdly, I started to think how living without him overwhelms me. I forced myself to stop thinking.
- Fourth and lastly, I returned to the satisfaction that I am “doing this” and healthily.
The gammat of emotions I went through in that 10 minute period describes an oxymoron. Webster’s definition of OXYMORON: “a combination of words that have very different even opposite meanings ~ a combination of incongruous words”. This pretty much describes me.
Along with the surprising physical symptoms that join grief, with the mental and emotional upheaval that occurs during grief, I’ve come to honestly face the myriad of reasons why some people do not stay on the straight and narrow……that is, to side step to other vice’s that would numb the pain or give a temporary high. There have been periodic times where I’ve felt so low, so empty, the loss of Loren taking me under in a whirlpool of deep dark waters…..where a deterent would’ve been a welcomed sidetrack for me to escape the pain I was feeling.
But I also have periods of time where I feel like my feet are back on the ground and I feel happiness, even purpose. I’m learning to embrace my peaceful times and am choosing to rest, literally and figuratively, in those moments.
“So, God. Trying to grow while grieving takes so much effort. Thank You for strong friends and wise godly counsel…plus a good dose of common sense to help me weigh out the consequences of every action because I very much care about remaining a good role model for my children and mankind. Amen. “
Another great post!
I can definitely identify with your pain and emotions that run like a roller coaster. Having other widow friends to talk to and taking a GriefShare class really has helped.
Yes, having widow friends and Grief Share has been so important in my journey. God Bless, Cookie.
Thank you for your honesty!
In years past I knew a few who appeared to have (quote) gone off the deep end by their actions and surprising changes after a major loss. In the book of James in the Bible there’s a verse that says, “confess your faults one to another that you may be healed.” I’m being pro-active and facing things head on with the Lord’s strength.
As my mother was to her generation, you are a role model of how a Christian widow can learn not only to survive but thrive over time despite overwhelming grief. Each time I read a blog I say “thank you God for being exactly who Julia needs you to be each day.” The seed was planted at Loren’s death and now the growth is starting to show itself above the dirt. You are indeed a planting of the Lord. In time God will use you in ways you can’t even dream of today.
Thank you, Sharon, for your encouragement. You also have encouraged me by mailing the following: #1) the awesome book MY DREAM OF HEAVEN. I have read that book at least 4 times. It’s given me such encouragement and excitement to know how wonderful Heaven is. #2) the book TEAR SOUP. I have read that book for myself and have improvised it a bit to read to my granddaughters. It’s friends like you that truly make this easier. And to be compared to your mother is a honor. Julia