MISSING MY PROTECTOR

Psalms 48:6  “He is a father to the fatherless and a defender to the widow.”

Within hours, after my husband’s body was removed from the home, I started to feel I had no protection. That might seem odd because I had a houseful of people at the home to mourn with me. I did not feel scared to be alone “per se”.  I did not feel scared because I am a woman who believes in the right to bear arms.  I am a certified gun safety instructor.  You can bet it won’t be me who goes down if I am in a “fear for my life situation”.

Still I felt, O, so very exposed and vulnerable.  A greater level of devastation had occurred because my protector was gone.

Immediately I solicited brother’s Galen & Dennis and my father’s help.  Telling them I knew I would need extra wisdom since my husband and I bounced ideas off of each other all of the time.  The intent was not for them to replace Loren, but I knew I could trust their judgement because they are wise, godly men with healthy life experience.

Literally, just months before Loren’s sudden death, I started loving to hear myself calling him “husband”. It was new for me to have such fondness towards that word.  Loren had became proficient at coming up to me, placing his arms around me and telling me, “You are such a great wife.”  You could say I actually felt giddy calling Loren my husband and hearing him say I was his wife.  I had then googled the word “husband” and learned it meant “to care for, to be a good steward of,  to manage.”  Another meaning might refer to a husbandman who cares for his vineyards or crops.

This was my husband.  To a “T”.  And he felt that way about our family.  Up until the day he died he would want to discuss his care and concern about our adult children.  Once a father  always a father.

There came to be great safety in our relationship.  A safety where the two live at a high level of transparency….the kind that could tear your soul in half yet bind wounds at the same time.  You could say we BOTH protected each other.  We fought for our marriage.  We fought for each other. We worked to have the bond we ended up having.  Husband and wife.  Protectors FOR each other.  Protectors WITH each other.  Protectors TO each other.

In my heart Loren will always be my husband.  Legally, I know he’s not my husband because the marriage vows say “til death do us part”.  But we shared that miracle of marriage for 37  years.  The circle won’t be broken.

“So, Lord.  One scripture says, ‘Thou O Lord art a shield about me…You’re my glory…and the Lifter of my head.’  Even when I don’t see the shield or feel the shield, by faith I choose to believe that it is there.  Thank you for Your protecting power.  Thank  you for being my defender.  Amen! “