When a person is slammed with a sudden death (for me, the kind where you don’t succeed in trying to revive them with CPR for 20 minutes)….it reeled me into an orbit of inwardly challenging every belief I had leaned on.  To distant onlookers I appeared as solid and strong.  I was borderline angry when multiple people told me, “Julia, you are so strong.” As time passed, I increasingly had awareness of the potential to do surprising-unthinkable-for-me things. Thankfully, I had family and friends for strong physical and emotional support, my sheer stubborn will, many years of experience walking out my Faith, and enough people praying for me to hold me in “a good place” as I walked towards more healing. 

Today, I listened to Michael W Smith’s song, SOVEREIGN OVER US.  I think this must be the 500th time I’ve listened to it in the past five years.  Somehow this song remains to be my mainstay.

The Definition of MAINSTAY is:  “a person or thing which something is based or depended on”.

While listening to the song today (three times in a row, I might add) I immediately reflected on how far I’ve come compared to the emotional status I was in the midst of those first three years of grief.

IT took me the FIRST FIVE YEARS to discover the following (in bold print) and be freshly reminded of things I already experienced (not in bold print):

• I was finding God’s strength in the middle of heavy sorrow EVEN WHEN I couldn’t recognize it
• God can work even when you do not think He is
• It’s OK to not understand “the why” and be OK with never finding the answer
• You will not feel abandoned and forsaken forever
• God can be with you during your deepest waters and hottest fires
• IF YOU search and ask… God gives abilities beyond capabilities
• IF YOU want it, there is grace to walk through the mourning
• A person can find a level of peace midst upheaval
• Eventually a person FEELS the goodness from people and God
• It will not feel as if you’re living in a curse forever
• Death may not be your friend BUT YOU CAN TEACH IT to NOT be your enemy
• IF YOU CHOOSE, you can gain great insight about yourself in/from loss
• The death of a loved one does NOT HAVE to propel you into negative behaviors
• Heaven DOES come to fight for you….many times
• The distance from Heaven to Earth is NOT ALL THAT far apart
• You WILL STILL sense your loved one’s presence, even five years later
• Their words will OFTEN come back to you
• You may even hear the sound of their voice periodically
• Laughter returns
• New joys can appear in other ways
• When the less-frequent (now) grief slams you down it DOESN’T LAST AS long

I’m so grateful I have a Faithful God I trust in.  I honestly don’t know how I would’ve managed without.…….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x8TZiwPGa0.  (Michael W Smith and Sovereign Over Us), you can listen and watch him sing this song if you open the attached link.