While watching Episode 27 of the OPB Television Series SANDITON…a lead character Charlotte is asked what she will do now. By this time, she is starting to appear as a spinster. Her 1st fiancé had died tragically. Her father then later arranged an upcoming marriage to a farmer whom she didn’t deeply love but she felt she must obey her father because this was the tradition in the early 1900’s. In the final episode of Series 3, Charlotte broke off the engagement. The farmer was good man but she wasn’t going to settle out of society’s necessity.
“I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms”, Charlotte had said.
I immediately pressed pause on the remote and re-played those words multiple times as I wrote them down. A note had struck in my heart. How poignantly stated. What an amazing script.
As a Christian who claims to serve God, some may immediately determine my relatable quote, “I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms,” to sound un-spiritual …. possibly even rebellious.
I like to consider myself teachable. Before Loren died I could’ve easily prayed, “I’ll go anywhere you want me to go, God. I’ll do anything you want me to do.” That would’ve been easy. If God would have “called us to go somewhere” Loren would’ve been with me…plus, he would’ve had to equally felt drawn to make the change. The decision of change would’ve “HAD” to have been right because we both had peace about the decision.
I believe in honesty. God can handle it….besides… He knows my heart already. The point I am attempting to make is this: I no longer quickly throw the words “I’ll go anywhere or do anything” out of my mouth because the truth is this:
After losing my world with him in it:
- Any change I make means doing it alone
- At this time I can’t imagine feeling peace about uprooting my life…..for anything
At the 8 year Anniversary point, I now see:
- Becoming a widow immediately forced me to make a choice, even though I wasn’t completely aware of that fact in the first 3 years.
FOR ME, THE CHOICES WERE:
- Find a man who is similar to my deceased husband…with similar skills and traits…a man who is highly respected amongst his community….a visionary man who can step in and manage our then-business…a man who could be a good companion in the home and in multiple social settings.
- ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OR~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
- Be forced to become more independent, a woman who learns to think for herself…no longer focusing towards the team-work mindset in a marriage, but learn to advocate and stand up for herself in the business world and as a property owner, be willing to be considered “a rough and tough old bird”, maybe even be called a “ royal B-I-&@* ” ……..(because unfortunately I’ve now experienced how women can become a target for the (thankfully) few-and-far-between men who need to make things hard for any woman without a husband).
Because I’m by myself I feel like I’ve been forced to stand up….have my feet planted deeper….making my back appear straighter than it actually feels.
Ultimately I like who I am growing in to. I hope I’ll some day be that fierce lion…but well balanced… with some tender approachable traits too.
Very well said. It’s been well over 8 1/2 years since Bob died. A lot of what you shared is relateable to many of us widows. There is a lot that has to be faced, dealt with, learned for as a now single woman. And yes, sometimes a man will try to and sometimes succeed in taking advantage of us. Even in that, we can learn what to watch out for to keep from being taken advantage of again.
Karen, O yes, I know you’ve dealt with the issue of being taken advantage of….but we rise up and we learn and become that lion! Looking forward to getting our Grief Share gals together soon!
Julia,
God does help us to rise up and to become that lion as we face what comes our way in life. Have seen examples of that in others, including the ladies in our GriefShare group. The friendships that have been developed are a blessing. For many of us, it’s been something like eight or so years since we met at that first GriefShare group. Getting together to catch up with each other does give us another reason to look forward to those get-togethers.
Thank you for this, Julia. Now at almost three years without Nolan, I am trying to make a good life without him. I minister a bit at church, am building relationships with my neighbors as I sold the house and property and downsized into a mobile home park. I have recently bought myself a little camper van and will be taking a month-long trip in it this summer. Friends tell me I am so brave and that they admire me. The truth is that I have my share of fear. At times I am very lonely, but mostly for Nolan which I can’t fix
But for some reason God has chosen to keep me here awhile on my own. And I am trying to build a meaningful life and to learn to live life alone. Nolan did not get this “opportunity”.
Hi Barbara! I also often say the same phrase to myself, “For some reason God has chosen to keep me here awhile on my own.” Thank you for sharing your story! Julia
Julia, believe me my friend , we are traveling the same rocky road. My husband died in 2017, I believe right after yours. Every time I turn around it seems, I am being challenged. I really have to be on my toes. My mother pasted away Jan 28th 2023 at 98 years. She kept saying after my Father died in 1981. “ It’s a Man’s World”. She loved my Father and would jump to please him all the time. I had never known her to ever fuss at him. So my point is that I respected my Father his whole life. But, years later “the world tried to deface”him because our family name is on the Map. He was an inventor, explorer, adventurist’s and a good provider. He had a lot of energy for his Family. He was never an enabler, and always an encourager. He had his flaws like all of us, but never, ever, was he out of line. If the world paid as much attention to their owns miss givings as much as they do about a dead man’s unfinished business. The rest of us could get on with our lives. But, these challenges are caused by other peoples lack of or short comings of their own. Yes, we do have to live out business decisions on our own, now that we are in this fish bowl. And so sorry if those suitors are unequally yoked at this point. And find it difficult that we “Did” survive all the challenges that “life” threw at us. In order to maintain our Fortress, we did have to come across as a royal “B”. I’m living out my Golden years as happy fun loving person that I was known to be”All” of my life. I may have suffered some set backs. But, by GOD, and only GOD, I am older and wiser and ready to take on the “World” from now until eternity….So my friend, you are never”Alone” in this journey, in this “Fish Bowl”. Come over whenever you are visiting. Or just call and come here and visit on your own. My door is always open to Sisters In Christ 💕🙏
Hi Mary! Thank you for sharing….it’s so interesting how your mom talked about “it’s a mans world”. I’d love to see you again! Just may take you up on the invite sometime. Julia
Julia
You do a great job! I appreciate you and your heart! May you have a blessed day! Thank you for sharing your strength in Him.
Thank you Lisa! Don’t forget to stop and see me when you’re down my way. Julia
Thoughtful musings – thank you for sharing