As I merge closer to healthiness as a grieving widow, there are times I’m concerned how I can feel happy / even content and moments later be triggered into a deep, heavy sorrow.  Happiness.  Torrents of tears.  And, the interests I once loved are now close to gone.  Who am I now?……other than the obvious widow, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, and friend?

It’s a good thing I’ve counseled with my counselor Mary and participated in GRIEF SHARE,  a program designed for people who have lost loved ones.  I’ve learned I’m not odd.  Depending on the relationship, this is the journey we may walk……………………………….

If I had not been participating in counseling and GRIEF SHARE I would’ve thought I was “losing it”.

THINGS LIKE…..

• Losing my ability to remain focused.
• Losing my ability to memorize facts and lyrics.
• Losing my ability to put energy into necessary projects.
• Losing my ability to watch TV shows or listen to music Loren & I once loved.
• Losing my ability to continue hobbies that Loren & I once enjoyed.

However, I AM GAINING…….

• A heightened level of compassion for other’s who are experiencing loss.
• A heightened level of  love and desire for my family.
• An intense interest in Heaven, studying more scriptures about eternity with our Lord.
• S L O W L Y  gaining the ability to worship my Lord without focusing on my loss.
• New friendships with other widows and ladies with loss.

For myself, for my sanity, for my wholeness as a person, I need there to be more gains than losses!  Because everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I still face the loss of him.  My heart and senses desperately know this loss.

But once in awhile I see glimpses of Julia.  I can’t say it’s a new Julia.  It may well be the Julia who I was when I met Loren 39 years ago July 18, 1977.  She was a confident musician.  She loved living on the farm.  She loved the solace of the outdoors.  See, the day I met Loren I was not looking to be in a relationship.  I was looking forward to attending Portland Bible College  the following month.  I was excited about the new spiritual growth I had gained when attending college in Harrisonburg, VA months earlier.  As a college age girl, this Julia had hope for a future.  This Julia had faith God was leading her.

“So, yes God, I do feel like two people.  Someone who will forever be marked, labeled, and proudly identified in my heart as the widow of Loren.  Someone who dreadfully misses her husband. Yet, if I believe in the God whom I serve, surely I must come to a steadfast acknowledgment that God is in control….?  This would mean I need to accept there must be a purpose for my life as it is now.  Lord, help me right now because I feel so disjointed.  Amen.”