I couldn’t do it earlier, that is, finish the Probate on Loren and the Commercial Business. A long while back, I eagerly approached Probate in stride.  I was finally emotionally and physically ready for the long hefty process.  In fact, I felt great relief as I wrote the final check to the lawyer.

BUT NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S DECEMBER. I should’ve known by now how the month of December accentuates happy or sad feelings.

Yesterday I went to my pre-arranged appointment with a 3rd Bank.  Since Probate is closed I’ve been advised it’s necessary to close out certain accounts. 

Honestly, at 4 1/2 years out I’m shocked how hot, dripping, searing tears along with physical pain can randomly return so readily….it’s worrisome to not be able to control how my body reacts. Even though I am at work today, I’ll just hope that most adults and children don’t notice my hoarse voice, red swollen eyes and face. It would be quite wonderful if these random crisis-modes would only happen when I’m not with other people.

I’ve decided I will carefully lay away two or three unused “invalid” joint owner checks where his name is above mine.  It doesn’t matter that there will be skipped check numbers on the Bank Statements. In my heart alone, I’ll know why this was purposefully done:  we were a team in business, in sharing finances and in life.  And even though I well know he is not here, a deep place inside of me still holds on to the “joint status”.

I still can’t say goodbye to that.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.

To seal the deal, walking down the hallway at work this morning, I suddenly noticed another change:  beneath my Staff Identity Picture someone changed my title to Ms. Wasson. Dagger directly through the heart. I took a photo of it and texted it to Brenna. I won’t even attempt to tell you how many minutes more tears poured.

Christmas is almost here. I know God will keep empowering me. I also know this winter – in – my – heart will soon end…..again.