I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:
This blog is dedicated to: my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary, family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy. These eleven individuals regularly reached out to me. These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later. (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own grief).
HOW TO HELP A NEW WIDOW:
- TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
- SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see. Email her. Text her.
- HUG HER. Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
- UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
- TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
- VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
- WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
- BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
- IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
- IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!
HOW TO HELP A SEASONED WIDOW:
- Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly (this will be a life-line to her).
- Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
- TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
- BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
- BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
- IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
- GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
- UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
- UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know, just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
- TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).
Thank you for both lists! We who are wanting to help and show our loving concern want to do so wisely and with sensitivity. The lists are so helpful Julia and based in reality.
Keep writing dear one. We ALL need you!
Mary
Mary, Thank you and thank you! Much love, Julia
Hi Julia, Thank you for posting this very informative article. I made a copy to keep in my files. So many of us really don’t know what to or say in times like this. I hope you are putting all your posts into a book some day! Love you. Aunt Dorothy
Aunt Dorothy, I so love your encouragement! Maybe some day a formal book will be compiled and published! Love you, Julia
Julia,
Your post brings a lot of wisdom and truth with it. Have appreciated the times that several of us ladies meet together, usually for a meal, as a support to each other and to catch up with each other’s lives. We met through attending the 13-week Grief Share sessions. All of us had lost someone to death. Some of us are widows, others lost a sister, parent, brother, aunt, friend, or other kind of relationship. Several are dealing with multiple deaths (some in a short time period, others over many years). Who would know how much these times together would mean to each of us? Some of us have gotten together over a period of something like 4 1/2 years. We have shared laughs and tears together many times. It’s been 4 years, 8 months since my late husband, Bob, died. Each one of the points that you mentioned are right on-target. Thank you for sharing and having this blog. Bless you. — Karen
Yes, Karen. Thanks! It’s been wonderful knowing you…and to think it’s all because our husbands passed and we met at Grief Share. Looking forward to seeing you next month as our group gets together again! Julia