I’ve known I need to blog more. Some of you have asked me where the new blogs are. One of you actually asked my sister why I wasn’t blogging more. When I sit down to blog I am either distracted by normal cares and responsibilites that a single person has …OR….I feel I don’t have enough time to articulate what I want to say. Things of actual importance. To try to articulate the growth that I’ve made as I walked (still walking out of, actually) through that deep ol’ valley of death.

If you saw me in the grocery store or any public place you’d be assured that I am “completely healed”. By this time….most of you NEED ME to be “healed”. I mean no ill by saying that….I honestly believe it’s a societal expectation that someone somewhere set…with time limitations as to when the grieving process of a very beloved spouse should be over.

In reality, for the most part…I think I’m quite healed…but with some definite battle scars. It’s almost 9 years. I can tell you that I did the work. I felt the pain honestly without severe vices other than chocolate. I still feel pain once in a while. I’ll always love Loren. There’s noone else to replace him. Yet I’ve grown. For survival sake and for my well-being it’s been an absolute necessity to walk through vs choosing to stay inside the whirlwind of deep grief.

• I’ve discovered a normalcy that works for me.
• I still find myself having to periodically review the commitments I’ve made to others…I still find myself over committing. I haven’t quite learned that innate balance of watching out for myself…in that way, as Loren did for me. He’d always catch it before I did. I miss him.
• Yes, I have “dated” a few guys….my definition of dating meaning : meeting someone for lunch or dinner and then realizing that that there was nothing more…just enough to satisfy the curiosity of that person…just hoping to find a buddy…if nothing else.
• Yes, I still live on and manage the farm. Within the last month I’ve had a new nudge to be open to selling it and making a change. I still expect the change to be so very hard, because generations of connection and family are in that family property….ideally one of my children would buy it…at the moment it’s not looking that way.
• But I know, ultimately it’s about what works best for me as it equally does towards my children who have their own lives. I’m tired of being tired and being a slave to the duties that come with property.
• I still work full-time and still teach my piano and voice students in addition to the other job. I’m old enough to retire by now..but I’m not ready to give up my daily contact with kids and coworkers at my job.
• As I am sitting in a room in my brother’s house…3,000 plus miles away from Oregon….a reminder of the clearer picture that keeps unfolding is this:

Everytime I go on a little vacation. Everytime I take a trip….I feel free. It’s like I find another piece of me. It’s a degree of independence that enlarges. Yes, Loren and the memories travel in my heart with me. Memories of him are not confined to the home that we built together. I can live a single life in a new degree of fullness and I very much like it. I’m in a heightened state of discovery right now. I love this Julia.

We can talk about this more at a later time…gotta go.