On Sunday morning Pastor Brian’s words grabbed me like a vice. Once more I needed to hear what I already knew in my head. But a person can logically know something in their head and not embrace it in their heart! Pastor Brian had said, “Don’t focus on life not being fair. You’ll miss an opportunity.” See, in recent weeks Pastor Brian, Pastor Shaun and Pastor Tim have all been teaching out of the book of Acts in the Bible. Brian was talking how the apostle Paul was bound in chains for 2 years. Paul was being treated unfairly. Yet during his hardship he used every opportunity to speak what he believed to be Truth. He lived his life in a way that modeled the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Now that I’m 18 ½ months out, now that the shock has worn off, now that I am way past the initial episodes of denial, I must confess that deep down inside, buried within, I have felt life is unfair with my husband passing away when he did. Better yet (sarcasm intended on these 2 words), I’ve been feeling life is unfair ALL THE WHILE declaring and even believing that God is in control of my life!
So yes, today I acknowledge there is a gap. Even a chasm. My statement saying “God is in control” and my feelings of “Life seems unfair” do not blend. They do not easily connect. You could say incongruent. You could say incompatible. Non-the-less, this is where I am at in my grief journey.
In the meantime, life goes on. In the 1st year I wanted answers. I wanted to know “WHY?”. I now see how I thought God owed me an answer so I could understand “why?”. However, I believe I am closer to accepting that God doesn’t owe me anything, as far as answers go of why he allowed my husband to pass away. I wouldn’t understand God’s ways anyways because He is God and I am human. He’s ALL – KNOWING. My understanding is limited.
But today I am focusing that I will NOT focus on life not being fair!
“So God. I confess there are days I hate what I’m having to live out. Then there are days where I’m at peace with my life as a widow. My emotions are not as tangled as they once were. Yet, there’s still work to be done in my belief system, with my “trust issues” with You. So God help me. I’m also trusting in the future I’ll eagerly await that concept of embracing new opportunities. Amen.”