This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

• “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
• “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
• “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
• “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

• “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
• “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
• “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
• “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

• “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
• “I am not afraid to live alone”.
• “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
• “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
• “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
•  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
• “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

• “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
• “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

• “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
• “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)