This inaugural blog was posted April 9, 2016 on my brother Dennis Gingerich’s blog. I’m grateful he invited me to share my thoughts after my husband passed away. Not only is writing therapeutic for me, I’m trusting my words prompt a new appreciation for your loved ones.
When my husband unexepectedly passed away at 7:15 a.m. in our master bedroom with me by his side, one year ago March 2015, I went into “work mode”. Having worked for a public school for 15 years I’ve been trained in First Aid/ CPR. Every 3 years I have to practice CPR on a dummy or “live dummy” (co-worker). Every year I have to watch a video of CPR being given.
So, that morning when my husband dropped and quit breathing I instinctively knew to call 911 and to immediately start CPR since it’s a good 10 minute drive to my house. I didn’t allow myself the privilege of watching the clock because I knew every minute, even second, counted. Life and death counted.
When the Fire Chief/EMT later exited the bedroom pronouncing him deceased, my “life saving mode” was still in gear. I shook my head, saying, “Yes, I know he’s gone. I watched him breathe his last breath and I felt my hands crushing into his chest…an unresponsive chest.”
When I could go kneel beside his body and then pull back the white blanket to see his face again, the first words that exploded out of my mouth and heart were, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This JUST isn’t right! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….this just isn’t right!”
Those 5 words were the first words that left my lips the moment my world stopped. That morning when Loren and my world stopped spinning, TOGETHER, that is. That is the morning when my FEELINGS stopped feeling. That is the morning when God even protected me from the actual pain I was feeling, that is the degree of physical pain I was feeling…..
ONE YEAR LATER I have come to appreciate that protection of SHOCK. Naturally I cried. I wept. I screamed at God. I could barely eat. I could barely sleep. I was so weak I could barely stand in the shower on the morning of his memorial service.
When someone would come up to hug me I would find myself falling forward into their arms. THEY were hugging me. Not me hugging them. I couldn’t feel God’s love towards me any longer. I couldn’t feel any sort of Lovingkindness or Mercy from our Lord, the God I have worshipped. But I COULD feel the embrace of a human being. That embrace was God’s arms extended to me. That alone was what I needed. I no longer had my husband’s arms of love and protection.
Here I am, ONE YEAR LATER…..and I am seeing there is a price to pay for embracing feelings again. To welcome my soul back to life, out of the barrenness that I have lived in this past year, means I am waking up inside. I am feeling much happiness and more normalcy but it’s just now that I’m feeling such heart rendering, gut wrenching, knife in my stomach, feeling like I’m going to pass out because I can’t catch my breath…PAIN of the loss. For every bit of happiness I’m feeling, I’m equally feeling physical pain when rush of grief hits me.
But I am confident I’m on the way to renewal. I’m not moving “on” (I very much dislike that phrase). But, I most definitely am moving forward. So for today, God, I pray that you help me learn to walk this unrequested walk of widowhood. Gently guide me towards balanced healthiness in all areas of my life. God, you know my physical body. You know what I can handle and what I cannot handle. So if it means gradually waking me up inside I embrace your tender wisdom because You are my Maker and You will complete the healing that You have started.
Question: Do you have a time when you felt God wasn’t present in your life? I’d love to hear about it in the comment section below.
Welcome to the world of blogging!! Your writing will be a blessing and an encouragement to many!!
I identify right there with you…I got to say ‘goodbye’, you didn’t for which I am so sorry. In short, nothing is the same as it used to be.
I think of you often, Judy. I hope I’ll be like you….moving forward….and being honest that life sucks off and on. Sometimes more on than off. If you get down in my area contact me. I’d love to grab coffee with you. Staying connected with other widows if a lifeline to me.
Love you brother. You bless me deeply.
I have walk this path and I agree about the phrase “you will move on” I have found I have to accept a new path and can function normally most of the time, but even after 25 years there are times that it feels like the day my son died. So is the price of loving.
Sally, I can only imagine the pain you have felt with the loss of Billy. I have thought of you often. There are days where it seems easier to move forward and then there are days I want to scream and plant my feet because I can’t bear the thought of moving forward without him. Seems like we don’t have that choice, because life moves on minute by minute whether we want to embrace it or not. I’ll pray for you. You pray for me, please.
Have been and will continue to and remember you never walk alone even though at times it will surely feel like it. Thank you for your prayers. Love and God bless
thx Sally. And today is certainly one of the days where I feel I am walking alone. But there’s always tomorrow. Gotta return to that mindset, one day at a time.
Julia, I believe that your brother Dennis is correct, your writings will be a Blessing to other’s, and an
encouragement to those who going through or who have gone through what you are now.
Blessings and Prayers to you Julia and to your precious family. Hugs and Love ❤
I love you Karen. You and Gary were special to Loren and I and I’m blessed to know I can still call you friend. I covet your prayers, Karen.
So glad you are doing this!! ❤
Love you sis. THx for your support. Means the world to me.
Thank you for your transparency. You bless me and will bless many others.
I love you, Pastor Connie. Thx for your support and friendship. Means the world to me.
Your story has so touched my heart Julie. I have thought of you so often this past year and have lifted lots of prayers for you! And will continue!
Maxine, Thanks for sharing and responding. I’m very touched that you have remembered me and prayed for me. You have no idea how much that encourages me and lifts me up because about 4 months ago I felt like some of the praying had stopped..there was a change…so knowing there are people still out there praying truly grabs my heart. Thank you! O my. ~ Julia
When my Mother was killed, in an auto accident 45 years ago this month, I had the exact response — denial. My cousin called me to tell me. Even though I didn’t know The Lord then, I actually KNEW that my Mother was deceased. I heard a still voice, God’s mercy, which told me before my cousin did. The message of the still small voice lessened the horrible shock. When my cousin told me, I also screamed “no” into the phone.
Life as I’d known it was never the same. I did come to know Jesus as a result of Mom’s passing.
Thx for sharing Judie. I don’t remember you telling me this story earlier. Love you, friend.