Within the past month I’ve listened to two girlfriends voice their concern AND desire…how they are praying and ” NEEDING to know God’s Will ” …. see, they are now single women… one divorce and one death… like me, women who didn’t choose their situation…having to learn to live in an unwelcome situation….who at times vacilate between peace and discontentment, thinking there SURELY must be “a way out” of their present and future unease.
The 1st friend? I didn’t respond, then…she wouldn’t have appreciated my thought at that moment. The 2nd friend, I responded saying, “How do you KNOW that your life, as it is now, ISN’T His will for you???” After a lengthy pause she quietly said, “I had never thought of that before”.
Whether it be a spouse who betrayed you and left the marriage or it be a spouse who was careless in not getting back to the Dr sooner-than-later, ultimately you have the choice to remain or NOT remain under the bitter-filled blanket of blame.
FOR ME, my “bitter-filled blanket of blame statement” WAS, “Loren would be alive today IF he wouldn’t have been SO stubborn….IF he JUST would’ve call the cardiologist or gone to the Emergency Room when the arrhythmia started up again” (see, at the time of the successful ablation he was told he’d need a pacemaker with a defibrillator IF the arrhythmia ever reoccurred)…..BUT HE had his reasons….HE was GOING to retire from WinCo shortly….HE was GOING to take the chance (of the arrhythmia possibly not being as serious as the cardiologist had told him it would be) so he could get his full pension $$…….now… here’s my opportunity to be angry….if he JUST would’ve gone to the Dr or the E.R. the day before, as I suggested….(he was abit winded but was sure the arrhythmia was temporary and would surely stop….. so I chose to not freak out…. because stress would’ve only made the arrhythmia worse…and, yes, I felt helpless that he didn’t heed my suggestion)..…. and, THAT same DAY he had told me, “When the arrhythmia is bad enough, Julia, I’ll LET YOU KNOW” (to take him to the E.R.)… well, surprisingly he DID let me know that next morning at 6:37 ….AND after a few brief words with me, all within 5 seconds, he collapsed and was immediately unconscious and very very soon…….. Yep, I had immediately called 911 alright…. And yes, I DID MY PART (frantically, though steadily, doing CPR on him for 20 minutes til the EMT’s arrived at 7:05….but that wasn’t enough….they couldn’t revive him….even after the EMT’s took turns working on him for a period of time).
AT what measure is Loren responsible for his passing? AT what measure is GOD responsible?
I’ve had four VERY NECESSARY years to process things:
- Loren had the physical warning that something serious could be happening
- He didn’t “have time” to go to the E.R. and he did NOT want ME calling the ambulance unless HE determined it was “serious enough”
- God could’ve stopped the arrhythmia
- God probably doesn’t override a person’s will
- I don’t blame myself for not overriding his wishes the day before….I didn’t know how bad it really was….IF HE EVEN KNEW, I’m sure he didn’t want to worry me
As time has progressed and peace has slowly settled over my broken heart and question-filled mind, I’m just now starting to consider:
- Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?
- Who says I “must search” for “God’s Will” in an alternative Plan B?
- Who says that something is wrong when a person chooses to “learn to be OK” in a less than ideal circumstance?
This is SO GOOD Julia!! We may never know the answers to our questions, but you have processed your questions so throughly and have chosen the better path…No blame…just complete trust. Bless you!
Thank you Linda….no blame, just complete trust….I like that statement. A great motto to live by. See you soon.
Thank you once again. I am amazed at the parallel story I have with yours. I am not great with words but you can articulate everything so well. Thank you for the encouragement. I will continue to say….”God knows my story from beginning to the end and I WILL TRUST HIM.”
Connie….It’s amazing to hear that our stories are parallel! I like your statement, “God knows my story from beginning to the end….” Thank you for sharing! Julia
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is true that we can choose whether to blame or to accept our situation for what it is. I appreciate your question of “Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?” God is bringing more of a contentment with being a widow after nearly 5 years. Have dated a few men during these almost 5 years, with varied results including being BADLY scammed by one man who I wrote to, but, in the end did not actually meet (NEVER PROVIDE ANY FINANCES, NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING THEIR STORY IS OR PROMISES TO PAY IT BACK); and others where things really did not seem to go anywhere, and the final man, I just did not have peace to continue dating so broke up with him (after being briefly engaged for 26 days). God does know what’s best for each of us for now and for our future.
Thank you, Karen. See you this Saturday! Julia
Each time I think that this one is my favorite blog but Julia your honesty vulnerability and wisdom is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Renae! Julia
Well said. Your questions at the end are the only path to peace and new beginnings. Your wisdom blesses so many. God has given you His wisdom which you share in your blog. Now if people who need this will read it. Enjoy your family these next few days.🤗
Thank you Sharon!….also, I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for me to join Janelle and Jean when they visited you. Another time! Julia
My friend……………..His friend! Such important questions can only be asked by those who trust Him enough to seek Him with a questioning heart, searching for His
answers.
His answers, as they begin to emerge, certainly touched my heart today. Thank you.
My friend…..thank you. I couldn’t have done this journey without you in it.