- “WHAT? You haven’t buried him in the ground yet? That’s horrible! He can’t rest in peace until you do!”
- “You should’ve never cremated him! What about the resurrection?”
- “His spirit is restless because he hasn’t been laid to rest”.
Yes, these are exact quotes that casual friends, of different religions, have said to me.
As a young Mennonite child it was common procedure going to multiples of funerals…even walking by open caskets of people I didn’t know (I hated that)! As an adult musician, I professionally sang and played keyboard for multiples of funerals…being weekly hired by three prominent Funeral Homes in Salem, Oregon. Being hired to provide a service to families in grief, I mostly was able to separate myself from the pain the families must’ve been feeling. In addition, I sang at Loren’s parent’s Services and brother-in-law Max’s Memorial Service, other Wasson family members, 3 of my grandparent’s Funerals, and my first cousin’s 16 year old sons Funeral, but even in that sadness, things were different…………I hadn’t yet been the spouse sitting on that front row.
From day #1 of marrying Loren, he was VERY VOCAL about wanting to be cremated, even though cremation was not yet common in the late ‘70’s. He was known to say, “Caskets take up too much space in the ground, it’s ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on funerals, and I WON’T BE THERE ANYWAYS BECAUSE I’LL ALREADY BE HOME”.
Now, at that time, I did NOT agree with him regarding cremation!! I’d immediately respond, “You’d better put your wishes in writing because I’m not sure I can cremate you”. However, many years later I watched a descriptive four – hour documentary on Funeral Home Procedures. It was then, I immediately assured Loren I’d respect his wishes.
I’ve come-to-the-conclusion that whether it be cremation, boxes or beautiful urns, cheap caskets, expensive caskets, open caskets, closed caskets, vaults, burial in the ground, burial in a wall.…. the majority of decisions are based on one of these five: preference, honor of the loved ones wishes, tradition, religion or finances.
I have no regrets. I DID THE RIGHT THING! I’ll go a step further and say I HONORED HIM. I honored Loren in life AND in death.
That dreadful, shock-filled morning, after the coroner and fire chief were leaving our home, my children, along with my brother Galen and my mother, Loren’s sisters Joyce and Janet, close friend Carole, and friend and Chaplain, Pastor Connie, had all gathered to be with me…..we had our 5 hours with Loren in the house before the mortuary workers took his body away. Even though I was in deep shock, I clearly understood this would be the last time I’d see my love. I held on to him…. laid close beside him on the hardwood floor. But as his body no longer felt normal it was time to let him go. Nature was taking its course…..and I couldn’t reverse time…..
The day we went to the mortuary to pick up Loren’s ashes my three daughters and I still spoke our relief that we had not had to choose a casket, burial clothes or pallbearers when making arrangements for his Memorial Service.
To this date Loren’s ashes are in a special place in my home. I’m drawing closer to the thought of burying a portion of the ashes in our-already-purchased-plot in the cemetery. At that time, I’ll have a private gathering of close friends and family as we commit his remains to the ground under Loren and Julia’s joint headstone that I’ll have had made. One of our daughters is looking forward to having a place to take flowers to…for a time of private remembrance.
But, IT’S NOT TIME…..from the very beginning, my kids and I have discussed doing one or some of the following:
#1. Divide the ashes. Put them into lockets. #2. Divide the ashes. Make hand-blown glassware with them. #3. To honor Loren’s wishes, make ammunition with some of his ashes and then shoot them out of his gun (for years, he’d made it clear he’d want this done with his ashes)!
AND, if he knows what we are doing he’ll be grinning that huge grin from ear to ear. 😊
…but somehow I think my kids and I are acutely aware that taking this next step may bring more sorrow than we’d hope to face, again. As far as following through with our ideas, we’ve agreed that it’ll be Jasmine and I who will divide the ashes……and YES!…at this moment I’m pondering if I would’ve regretted having buried all of his ashes immediately after his passing…. you know, there’s something to be said about making life “easier”.
Hello Julia, There is no right or wrong way to take care of your husband’s remains. What makes you and your closest family happy is what’s right. I had my husband’s ashes buried at the nearest VA cemetery, which is what he wanted. I find peace going there to visit. It’s a beautiful place. I take my yard chair and sit and talk with him. I will join him there someday. My daughter who died in an accident shortly before Don died, resides in containers divided between her two daughters. She wanted to travel the world and some of her ashes have been scattered when her daughters have taken trips. It’s different for everyone. Do what makes you feel good. You may remember that I’m Sharon’s cousin.
Shirley, Yes, I did remember! Thank you for the affirmation that there is no set way…. Julia
Thank you for sharing this, Shirley. I can picture you visiting with Don perfectly. ❤️
Dear Julia,
I too have my husband’s ashes in a special place in our home. I too have the same thoughts and conversations with my four children about what and when to do with dad. Almost three years (August) and I know for certain it is not time yet. I did take a pill bottle amount of him to Kauai, Hawaii last year because we went to Hawaii every other for 40 years we were married. We also went without children and we also took the time to reconnect with each other always trying to put the pressures of life aside for six days. Kauai was a special place for us so needed to to that one last time. But know what is next, I do not know yet. Again Kulia thank you for sharing. ❤️
Thank you, Connie. I’m glad to know there are others who have broken out of “the mold”, as I knew it to be traditionally, when growing up. Julia
So proud of you making this journey your very own! You have set a great example.
Thank you!
This is wonderful, so personal and poignant. I admire you greatly, Julia.
Thank you Lori. Julia
Julia thank you so much for this it makes me feel better I have Tom ashes.
Thank you Shari. It feels good to have their ashes….has always seemed very natural to me. I think of you often. Julia