For the past 22 months I have not felt God. For the past 22 months I have not felt His presence. I’m sure He’s been there all the while but grief had numbed me. I have worshipped out of sheer choice. Sheer determination.
That is until 3 Sundays ago. When I felt God for the 1st time! When the windows of Heaven slid open. Again!
Since his passing I’d been faithful in going to church even though it would’ve been easier to have stayed at home, to hibernate….to not place myself in one more uncomfortable social setting where I’d be forced to face my loss. I’d been faithful in believing God to be faithful towards me. I have stayed on the straight and narrow out of sheer will power along with my memory of God’s goodness towards me in past times.
When Loren died a part of me died….a vast desert awaited for me.
Until…THaT Sunday! The Sunday that I had a vivid awareness that my soul was awakening. The Sunday when I had a vivid awareness that life was returning to me, in me.
I still grieve for my loss but I now feel God near me, as I had prior to his passing. I covet God’s presence. Sensing God’s presence is precious. Simply priceless because…..
- It gives me renewed hope that God watches out for the widow
- It gives me increased courage knowing that He is with me
- It gives me a type of tangible proof that He will go with me and before me in life
- It gives me a sign, even a landmark, when I felt that God remembered me on that specific day
- It gives me encouragement that God will still use me for His glory in this phase of my life
Because I now know what it feels like to not recognize God’s presence, should I have a friend who loses a loved one~ I know how I will pray…. I will pray they will once again feel God. That is, to once again feel God’s presence.
For God’s presence is gold. Priceless gold.
“So, God, my earnest prayer today is to never let me be foolish to live in such a way where You could not dwell in me, inhabit me. For that would surely be death and more sorrow, again. I’ve tasted the death and sorrow. I’m tasting tidbits of renewed life. I need life. I choose life. With and in You.”
Precious words Julia.
thx Lisa. Love you, friend.
If I would of written down how I have felt the last six and 1/2 years it would be almost word for word what you wrote down!!! I totally identify with you about God’s presence and how very dry and lonesome the desert can be ~ especially when walking it alone.
I just kept worshipping the Lord because ‘ I remembered- I remembered those times he was SO close to me!! When He rescued me, saved me!! Set me free!! When I could feel His presence so close and I could almost feel Him breathing on me! I would NEVER trade anything in this world for His presence ~ even if I had to lose someone close to me again.
“I’d rather have Jesus than ANYTHING this world affords today!!”
Thank you for sharing Julia!! That means a lot to me who identifies with your grief.
Love you!
O yes, Claudia, we do understand each other! And I am comforted knowing there are others such as you who identifies with the grief of losing a husband. Love you too!