Blindsided. While returning to old territory, that is, returning to music. Maybe again finding the creative Julia, that part of me that wrote music, that part of me that was deeply stirred by music.
Today I watched an Elton John concert that I had pre-recorded. My body loved the rhythm. I was again enamored with Elton’s astonishing piano skills, his song writing skills. I was caught up in the sheer talent of the musicians. But, emotionally I wanted to run. I wanted to turn my TV off.
But at 21 months out I forced myself to sit through the 60 minute concert. I forced myself, for my own good. A knife may as well have been inserted, pulled back, then pushed through my flesh further, back and forth. The killer song was DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME. “…like losing everything, is like the sun going down on me.” Just one song. Creating heightened searing pain and yet enjoyment. A tangled mixture.
I know many do not understand me. But Loren understood me. He understood me, as the musician. He tolerated me, as the musician. He adored me, as the musician. That was his first draw towards me. Hearing me sing a song I had written while he attended a concert where I was performing. It was after that concert that he approached me and introduced himself to me.
My first gift from him was a new piano, the same acoustic piano that my piano students use in my music studio. Early in our marriage he would ask me to play and sing for him. In his perfect world I would’ve done that every day, just for him. I now so regret I hadn’t made more effort in our busy lives. Thankfully, in our final years I would take the time to sit down and sing some of his favorite songs, those songs I had written about he and I. Two songs I had written for our wedding, the one song I had surprised him with singing from the grand piano, the other song he and I sang as a duet at our wedding.
12 years ago he surprised me; Loren had purchased an old grand piano from the Beaverton School District, had it restored and it now proudly sits in the great room. It was his 25th wedding anniversary gift to me.
Loren’s greatest surprise gift ever was Valentine’s Day 2013. He had taken the time and made the effort to memorize John Legend’s song, ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOU. We were in our motel room in Seattle. He had started singing the song to me Acapella. The entire song, while looking in to my eyes ~ without breaking his gaze. I broke down and cried. In the past it had always been m
e singing for him. This time I was his private audience. I loved it! Until the day he died he knew how I cherished it.
Maybe I will never write music again. Maybe I will never perform privately for another man. Maybe that part of me has died with him. And maybe that is OK with me…….