Another kind man has died too young from a freak accident. A local, who has helped me out since Loren’s passing, because that’s the kind of man he was. Not only do I feel sick because of the loss, I feel sick because I know what his wife is feeling and what she will continue to face.
You may not know, 25 years ago I was hired by three funeral homes in Salem. For a period of five years I weekly sang and played at multiple funeral’s. Even though I was providing a professional service I often cried in compassion as I sang for families. Strangers. Yet I somehow felt their pain. Or maybe it was the pain I imagined I would feel if it was me sitting on that front row….. ……………………?
I don’t foresee myself singing at funerals again. My life has changed. I’ve sat on that front row.
I’ve attended two funerals since my husband’s service, 26 months ago. One service was for Loren’s aunt. Another service was for a lifelong friend. Both elderly women.
I came away from those two services feeling content:
- Content to see friends and loved ones I hadn’t seen recently.
- Content to honor the loved one and happy to show the family my support by my presence.
- Content because I remembered how meaningful it was when many people attended my loved one’s service.
But I also came away from those two services heartbroken. Both times it took me 7 – 10 days to get my feet back on the ground emotionally:
- Being at a funeral unleashed my personal sorrow again.
- Being at a funeral immediately transported me back to my first week of Loren’s death. That unrelentless tunnel. Also, that painful yet comforting blur at his service.
- Being at a funeral unleashed the compassion in me, yet to my demise…. for my grief was fresh enough that I cared too much, cared too strong….I couldn’t distance myself emotionally.
After attending the services of aunt Nadine and Merry Berry, I spoke out to my children saying, “I’m not sure I will attend another funeral unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
So, I will have to decide if I will attend the service for Merle this Sunday afternoon.
“God, give me wisdom in these matters. To not selfishly protect myself. But wisely care for myself in this grief journey. Amen.”
Hi Julia…just sending my love…as you know singing is a passion for me and I also believe a gift…I sang at my mama’s funeral 20 years ago today, and have rarely sung since then. It takes a great deal of convincing for me to sing at all. I find it difficult not to cry and not to be transported back to that day even though it was so long ago…there have been days I have felt a small amount of guilt for not sharing that gift that my mom loved so much…but, I also know that grief is just so personal and when I am ready I will share it again…take care of your heart right now and do what you think is best…dear ones will always understand and love you either way…you can be a blessing in the lives of those who have lost without going to a memorial service…love and prayers to you
❤ Kara
Kara, I remember your dear mama. I remember her well. I remember your beautiful voice. Such a gift! I had forgotten you sang at her service. Thanks for your encouragement and love! Julia
Oh Julia I know how you feel I have had so many people around me die in the last two years that I’m selling my house and moving in with Rich. The only funeral I have gone to was my moms last year and I think I’m still recovering ? Just when you think you’ve got the grief under control, BAM out of nowhere it hits again ?
Joyce, O yes, you do understand! Thanks for sharing! Julia
Attending funerals does tend to bring up feelings from dealing with the death of our spouse and others close to us, who have died. Yes, it can be hard thinking about what we went through, and, at times are still going through when we attend funerals. I have attended several funerals since my husband, Bob, died. The most recent was my 62 year old brother, Dave’s, funeral on July 2, 2017. He had been dealing with back pain for the last 3 years and had already gone through a couple of back surgeries. It had gotten to an unbearable level of pain. On a scale of 1 – 10 pain level, it was at a 15. He was taking the highest level of pain medications that the doctor could prescribe to him and they weren’t enough to cut the pain. He couldn’t take it anymore and shot himself (in his family room right after his wife and grown son left for work) next to his right nostril and through the back of his head. He actually had another surgery scheduled for two days later. I think he had given up hope that this surgery would relieve the pain. One of his previous surgeries was similar to what this next surgery would have been. Part of me is still in shock. Seeing his body helped me to realize that he was really dead.
It was encouraging to us to see so many take the time to attend Dave’s funeral. There was a couple who sang a meaningful song too that touched many of our hurting hearts. We appreciated their efforts to sing, even though they, too, were hurting with this loss of life. I realize that you need to decide whether to sing at your friends funeral, or even attend his funeral, at the risk of bringing up your own feelings of loss for Loren and for this friend too. My prayer is that God will guide you in what he wants you to do. God will be with you in whatever decision that you make.
Karen, I’m dreadfully sad for the loss of your brother….it’s just incredibly sad……my heart goes out to you, friend. And I did attend the funeral. It was the right thing to do in this situation. Love you.
Once again, Julia, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head.
As a pastor I have led over 90 funeral-related services (Memorial Services, Funeral Services, Graveside Services) and each one hits me deep within my soul as I too consider “What if I were on the front row…”.
I have discontinued counting the number of services, and more recently due to my own medical limitations I have found it prudent to graciously decline the invitations. Even with a legitimate reason, I still feel like I am “letting the people down” in their greatest hour of need.
So, I guess I can identify with you in part. I do believe that if/when I experience being the front row person (whose significant loved one has passed away) I will likely find participating in another funeral service (other than just being present) will be beyond my emotional capability.
You have experienced BOTH sides of the coin, and I am taking to heart what you are learning. Thanks again (!) for your transparency during your journey!
Blessings, Sis!!
Thank you Dave. I appreciate your response and take to heart what you write and share also. Julia
Everything you write is like you are reading my mind also! It is such a hard, heartbreaking journey. God’s grace rest upon you Julia!!
Thank you Claudia. Well, we’re on that same road. btw. I did go to the funeral. Ended up being ok to be there.