Four weeks back I had determined  I’d walk the big malls and decorated streets in down town Portland.  I was ready to enjoy new sights and sounds of Christmas in the air.  Excited to try something new with my children.  Simply put, I was ready to add a new tradition to the Holiday season.  That is until I “bit the sidewalk” 4 weeks ago which has left me hobbling on crutches!

At 34 months, I’ve come to realize navigating the month of December is almost as difficult  as the day of our wedding anniversary!  Certainly more difficult than Loren’s birthday.  Even more difficult than Valentine’s Day.  I’ve always known I’m a person who’s easily triggered by memories.

But Christmastime will forever be full of happy memories, with Loren remaining a part of those memories!

• Our first “impromptu date” was while Christmas caroling in December 1977. I’d just briefly met him a month or two earlier yet he invited me to hop up into his pickup, to ride with him as we  church carolers traveled to different homes in the McMinnville countryside.  After singing we headed back to my parent’s farm for hot chocolate and snacks.  It was that night I invited Loren to “the barn” to introduce him to my horses, to my favorite place to hang out.  It was there we had a get-to-the-nuts-and-bolts conversation.  We were both forthright people if we wanted something.  We both saw something ~ someone(s) that we wanted.    The month of December!

• Throughout the course of our marriage I learned how the Christmas season held apprehension and unrest for him as a child, even as a teenager. As his wife, I did everything possible to facilitate situations where Loren would learn to experience the Christmas season with expectation, even happiness.  I’m thankful he eventually found that feeling.  He found the pleasures of Christmas.

• For years we drove around enjoying the Christmas light displays in subdivisions. In December 2014 we had pulled our car over and parked along Main Street in Willamina.  The snow was gently falling.  We sat there a good 30 minutes while taking in the beauty of quiet Main Street with the plenteous Christmas lights strung across the avenue.    Beautiful December.   Full of love and peace.

• Once we had built our log home in the woods, we annually trekked on our property and found the perfect tree to reside in our home. Cut down by Loren.  Carried by Loren.  Carefully and precisely mounted in its stand, by Loren.  Full of expectation but all for our kids and grand kids who would come experience Christmas day with us.

• Grandpa Loren and I baked Holiday sugar cookies with our granddaughters, Olivia and Adeline.  Even if grandpa had worked the night before he’d still pull himself out of bed to come in the kitchen and cut the cookie dough with the cookie cutters. December.  Wonderfully – smelling December.  This tradition still continues.

• Loren, all four children, along with the grandchildren attended every Elementary School Concert I was directing.  The whole clan sat on the front row.  I reveled in the support. This is the first year this has not happened because I requested to not teach music this year.  A sad but necessary and wise decision, to take care of myself.  December.  A new season of change this December.

• Before opening gifts, each year Loren sat the children and grandchildren down and read a new Christmas story!  Through the  years, he was the one who carefully shopped and selected that new hardback book to read each year.   Sad December…and no one has yet wanted to OR tried to replace grandpa Loren’s role in reading a new Christmas story……..

But come Christmas  the loud music will be roaring.  The “dancing til we drop”, to Bee Gee’s music,  will continue.   The grandkids, grandma, and aunt Brenna (hopefully) laughing and twirling in circles will continue.

And more than anything I’m counting on still feeling his presence……

December.  So full of memories.  O, how I love you.

P.S.   For the 1st time ever,  this weekend I’m taking the grandkids to see THE NUTCRACKER.