Today I took my shiny bright red Dodge Challenger out for a cruise. The first time I’ve taken it out for a drive without someone sitting in that other bucket seat. While cruising, I listened to two “love song CD’s” for the first time. They were CD’s Loren & I had made for each other. One of the two I had just created for him, that is, 45 days before he passed away ~ it was a 2015 Valentine’s Day gift.
I was ready. It’s 17 months and I’m just now ready to listen to those songs. Some of the songs made me laugh audibly. See, there were hidden meanings in those songs that only he & I understood. Those meanings that only long-time lovers understand. Some of the songs made me sob. Sobbing for reasons only a person who’s lost their true love would understand. But that was O.K. Today that was O.K. I was ready. I was ready to listen to those CD’s.
There are two more CD’s that we made for each other. I’ll need to listen to them another time. I’m not ready. I’m in overload emotionally. But, I’m good where I’m at. To purposefully submit myself to more sentiment would be sheer foolishness. I’m learning. Learning to pace myself with grief. Learning to pace myself in life!
I’m feeling proud and content with myself. Content that I braved it to drive “that car”, his gift to me on Valentine’s Day 2014. Content that I braved it to listen to a portion of “our songs”.
BUT, there are more “firsts” yet to come:
- Bury his ashes in our burial plot
- Shoot some of his ashes out of his shotgun, first (his long-time requested wish)
- Watch the entire video of Loren’s Memorial Service
- See if I can figure out how he organized his shop
- Go a step further, as far as doing more specific things with his clothing
But I’m not ready and there is no rush nor do I let expectations from others dictate when the right time is. These are all things I will want to do. Yet, I’m blessed my 4 children are not pushing me. I’m blessed my situation does not force me to move quickly. In time. In time it will happen.
“So, Lord, I thank you that You help me move forward step by step, bit by bit. The scripture says, “In Your time You make all things beautiful”. I don’t see beauty yet, but I do see Your hand… how You slowly nudge me forward in baby increments. Keep nudging me because I’m not prone to take leaps.”
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and all the emotions that we go through when our beloved has left his earthly home. I lost my husband of 43 years November 13,2015. I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you as you continue to walk forward. God is always walking with us. Blessings to you!
Sharon, Thank YOU for sharing. I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are so blessed you had 43 years with your husband. I have to remind myself I was blessed to have had mine for 37 years. Thank you for praying for me and yes, God is always walking with us! Julia
I am glad to hear that you are going at your own pace and not allowing cultural norms or others to drive you in your grief process – thanks for being courageous you, thanks for sharing the deep and uncharted insights of your heart
thank you, Danette. Thank you for your encouragement.
Thank you Julia for your words. I cannot imagine the firsts yet. I can ONLY see a day or even just a few hours in front of me. I know my journey of grief will be filled with firsts but for now I to am OK with the one day at a time. God richly bless you.
Connie, I lived in the “few hours ahead of me” for a LONG time. I still have periodic days where I am so heavy in grief that I have to survive that way…TELLING myself to STOP thinking ahead, forcing myself to live hour by hour. Sometimes life is just too overwhelming to think of the future far out. But, we adjust. God bless you, also! I’ll be praying for you. Julia
So proud of you…I remember many ‘firsts’…he would be so proud of you!
hard firsts, aren’t they. I love your support, Judy.