At this 7 Year Anniversary of my husband’s passing, I’ll be sharing the beginnings of My JOURNEY of CLIMBING OUT of the THROES of the VALLEY of the SHADOW OF DEATH.

It took me 6 years before I could honestly say I was “no longer lingering in the shadow” of Loren’s death.

Recently I Googled the definition of LINGER:

1. “Stay in a place longer than necessary because of reluctance to leave”.
2. “Spend a long time over (something)”.
3. “Be slow to disappear or die”.

In hindsight, Definition #1 surely described me.  

1. Each painful step of change during the grief and healing process eventually became “comfortable”.   However, I’ve discovered there’s a fine-line between “healthy comfort” vs “unhealthy comfort” in grief (that’s another topic for a blog).  
2. In those natural stages of grief (ie. denial, anger, on to acceptance) I chose to purposefully face each stage I was in.  That alone was exhausting but I’ve never wanted to be a person who sticks their head in the sand. It’s how I process in life.
3. While he, shockingly, lay dead in our bedroom….as I was weeping beside him on the floor…I then purposed to NOT be “a widow of desperation”…my definition: one who acts carelessly …making rash decisions.  It was at that exact point in time I was deciding I would choose to live an honorable example for my children and grandchildren.  “My happiness” and “Yipee, I get to start over” was never part of my mindset.
4. The first 3 years of grief naturally took me through the process of sorting through memories of our marriage’s “wonderful times” vs “our far-less-than-wonderful times” as a couple.  I innately knew I needed to allow this action….for I am a life-long learner.
5. Grieving while being transparent was taxing.  But, it was my important journey to make.  Frequent discussions with the 4 adult children occurred.  We discussed our different grief journeys and the individual relationships they had had with their dad.
6. To summarize: Grief alone doesn’t automatically erase the areas that needed healing.  Too often surviving family members gloss a struggling relationship…fearing honest discussion will dishonor their deceased loved one. That is far from the truth.  Privacy is important, of course, but truth laced with love brings honor and healing. Gratefully, our family has found this and hold to it.
7. The rewards of understanding were fruitful and brought me an inner resolve that I could be at peace over losing Loren and even recognize “the good”:  our family pulling together in a greater way than before.
8. At the 6^th Year mark I knew “I needed a break”.  It was not an issue of my being depressed.  I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t meet the criteria.  But please understand, in 6 years I had lost my husband, my father, and three very close girl friends…ALL of them key people in my world (AND this doesn’t count the 7 other deaths of family members in the past 6 ½ years).
9.  I simply needed the fish net of on-going grief that I seemed to be encircled in…CUT. 
10. At this point I then made a wise decision that I needed more change:   Maybe travel more?  Find a hobby?  Return to composing music?  Write a book?  Cut the symbolic chains in one area and possibly tighten the chains in other areas.  

It was one specific day while driving home, while listening to an inspirational speaker on the radio, that this speaker commented on God’s goodness.…as I vividly recall, my upper lip actually curled up slightly and I voiced a soft “Uhmph” sneer… all without anticipating my response at that moment.  I immediately realized I had seedlings of mistrust with a snarky attitude towards God.

I felt alarmed.  It was apparent I had come to another crossroads.  Continuous loss and grief and legitimate pain had obviously taken a toll on me.…add on to that the now-apparent build-up of hurt from the on-going deaths.  The tenderness I once had towards God seemed to be crushed.    I needed a refreshing revival of life. 

I made a conscious decision of break-through.  A deliberate out-of-my-norm.  Instead of going to my 2^nd cousin’s husband’s funeral on the given Saturday, I signed up and went to a weekend Seminar at a church in the South Willamette Valley.  Yes, I had a mild struggle with feeling guilty that I should’ve been at that funeral because no one was else would be there to represent our family.  

But, that weekend was paramount!! Maybe even a figurative do-or-die. I knew it before I went and I certainly knew it while being there.

I had taken a stand. A higher level of living had to become a higher priority. It had become the season to bring back a higher commitment towards life and spiritual growth.    

I could feel a large chain fall from me.  The process was already starting.

…yes, I’ll always cherish and miss Loren.   But I just can’t dry up into a withered soul.