My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way. That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email. From four men. Two I knew. Two not. ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service! Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen! In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment. Nor did they understand the nature of grief!
Simply put, I was not available! But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available. Brianne married in 2016. Brenna will be marrying soon.
Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating conflict ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.
After much contemplation, I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:
The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:
- Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids. I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!
- Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage. And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).
- Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters. Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.
The “WAY I’ve CHOSEN to LIVE it OUT ” scenario:
- Keep working to improve myself. Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.
- Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life, purposing to be an example of “WHAT TO DO” vs being a casualty of “WHAT NOT TO DO”.
- Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).
- Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!
So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”, remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!
- A woman with no regrets. With nothing to hide.
- A woman who won’t settle. Period.
- A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.
“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”
Nicely said sis! I’m proud of how you are are handling this journey!
Thank you…it’s a tough journey but I must say I, too, am proud that I’m doing it honestly… weighing the multiple costs.. sometimes daily. Love you, dear brother!
You are a very beautiful & wise lady & I’m thankful for our friendship.
Thank you Carole, and sometimes I don’t think you realize HOW IMPORTANT you are to me!!!! We may go periods of months without seeing each other but being with you is like “coming home”. We are forever friends. Julia
This is so spot on. 3 1/2 Year’s without my soulmate and the love of my life, God just keeps guiding me on this journey alone. I sold my house in Texas after 2 1/2 years to move to Nebraska. Long story! Things did not go as planned with 2 ex-sister-in-laws,
But , I was ready for a chapter 3. Year and a half later, I have a wonderful duplex, I love the rural setting, the weather (seasons), the small town, my small church, I have experienced peace and joy to accompany my loss, sadness and fears.
I am learning to make it on my own.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
God guide us, everyone!
Susan, Wow! You’re going through many changes also! Well said, “Learning to make it on our own”. Thank you and yes, “God guide us, everyone”. Julia
As you have chosen to walk in the path God has called you to walk in, you can always be confident He is present and no evil can destroy you for He is always at work ahead of you making the path one that is a blessing for you. (See- Isaiah 42:16) Thanks Julia for teaching us the way of a disciple.
Thank you uncle Duane and AMEN! I so appreciate your encouragement. Julia
I pray for you often. Love watching your progress. Blessings.
Thank you Vonda! I so love knowing you are praying for me! Julia
You are an inspiration! I love who you are continually becoming -confident and secure!
Danette, o thank you sis! Julia
I love your motto Julia, it’s spot on.
Lisa, happy to know the motto also means something to you! Julia
I still struggle since 2011. I have a fear of relationships and I feel that men change as they grow older. I have gone through so much that I do not feel sometimes. I try to focus on being the best person I can be. Julia, you are amazing and I am following your blog.
Kat, you and I…friends forever…Thx for sharing. Julia
Thank you once again. Well said. I have friends at work that think I should change who I am and give into the loneliness and find a male friend with benefits. I too will trust in God, he knows my whole story. I will do my best to be a widow pleasing to God. I will not forfeit what I know I believe is my moral compass . Thank you for your godly perspective Julia. God bless you .
Thank you, Connie! And yes, it’s a choice to not forfeit what we believe to be our moral compass. God bless you also! Julia
The Peace that Passes All understanding! What a wonderful place to be in ! … I have found great solace In The Peace Of Jesus , I have a wonderful church family and lots of close friends, as a single women of 54. After the Pain of losing my husband I made the permissible choice but not God’s BEST choice when I remarried one year after my divorce. I re-married a christian man, who was wounded beyond imagination over the loss of his wife, also through adultery.. I understood his pain, however, the soul tie he was bound to was never severed and it caused him grief as a christian.
I don’t believe we were ever meant to have multiple partners. God designed us to have one spouse until “death do us part” . When a former spouse is still alive it makes for a complicated scenario within a second marriage. If I had to do it all over again I would have stayed single, quietly finishing raising my children, working on my my career, keeping Jesus head of our home. Instead… I took on another man’s family, including the ex wife.. My children suffered some and got lost in the shuffle of traveling back to see their own father who was absorbed in his NEW relationship. They felt again misplaced.. What a mess! We complicate our already complicated lives .. When we come together out of a wounded spirit instead of wholeness ready to give.. I would always counsel extreme caution with a second marriage proposal. Better to stay single than to lose that beautiful PEACE that can ONLY be found in Jesus !
I have stayed true to my Second Husband, He now has rededicated His life and is serving Jesus.. God’s Agape Love for one another ultimately won, but what a road of hardship, pain, and patience it has been …. God’s Word clearly states we are better to be alone….So we can best serve Him!
Thank you, Michelle, for sharing your story. Good food for thought for those on the internet who will read this! Having (for years) “up-closely” observed divorced singles and widows/widowers who have remarried, I lean towards your conclusion. Even as devastatingly difficult as it is to now be alone, I am learning to serve God in a greater capacity…my attention does not need to be divided between my husband and ministry….plus as the scripture says, “I will serve God in whatever state I am.” Julia
Good points and well said, Michelle and Julia! I love that “God’s peace passes all understanding”. It is one of His wonderful gifts to us and why I keep on, keeping on!
Blessings!
Yes Susan. The “peace meter” for direction in life and that peace that calms the mind and heart are life savers. Blessings to you also!