Category Archives: Widows and their Adult Children

The WIDOW and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows with Adult Children

WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.

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It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward: 

As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.

My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.

It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.

It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.

But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:

  • I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.  
  • They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them). 
  • It started way too early in life for me.   
  • It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
  • It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
  • It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is:  they still have one parent to watch out for).
  • If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
  • Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
  • If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each other because one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
  • Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.

 I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.

As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.    

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

WIDOW BRAIN and How To HELP the WIDOW WITH It

Death, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, How To Help Widows, Loss, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows Managing Finances

At first, I thought I was losing it.  Or did I blame it on the shock of Loren’s unexpected death?  Amongst the searing pain with the never-ending adjustments of living without him,  I couldn’t put my finger on it… but how DOES someone identify something they’ve never lived with before…. this foreign symptom….how DOES a person have the where-with-all to even TRY to concentrate enough to process what is happening to them?  who can even verbalize it?….the heart and the body simply hurt too much.

…in complete honesty… I had been laughingly (slight humor remained in me) excusing myself with these two words… especially when with the people I felt safe with….just hoping that others, who didn’t fit in that category, didn’t notice the deficits.

WIDOW.  BRAIN.   Yes, I was an organized person AND I still ~ LEGITIMATELY had “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Forgetting to show up to a hair appointment
  • Having the oil changed in one of the cars 2,000 miles TOO EARLY
  • Forgetting to get a monthly venom allergy shot
  • Forgetting how to jump start a vehicle, how to start a generator
  • Inconsistently eating full meals and drinking enough liquid
  • Making out-of-character-for-me errors during Bookkeeping
  • Taking twice as long, at my job and at home, because I knew I needed to double-check all organizational and financial responsibilities for accuracy

PRACTICAL WAYS the Widow can combat her “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Keep a “to-do” list in a chosen place where you will often pass by it
  • Create an area where you will have easy access to your combined random notes
  • Write down important thoughts/future events immediately before you forget
  • Carry a Planner (Calendar and Notes) in your purse when you leave the house
  • Use your Calendar App in your cell phone for reminders
  • Every few days, compare your multiple “to-do lists” to make sure they are in sync
  • Journal ideas and insights (they will be few and far between in the 1st year of grief)
  • Get out of bed before 6:30 each morning and eat immediately
  • Be consistent with a new well-rounded routine, 7 days a week

PRACTICAL WAYS the Friends of the Widow can assist her:

  • Lovingly ask if she has eaten today
  • Lovingly ask if she is sleeping at night and taking a short nap each day
  • To jar her memory (per chance she has forgotten appointments) ask if there are scheduled Appointments she needs to be taken to

PRACTICAL WAYS Adult Children of the Widow can assist her:

  •  Per chance she is new to sole financial responsibilities, help her establish her new “Now-Budget and Payment Schedule” on paper
  • Per chance she hasn’t paid bills online before, help her learn to navigate it 
  • Ask about the status of the finances every few weeks and help if needed
  • Continue to assist her until Probate and because-of-death-transitions-and-obligations are completed

I’m just grateful I no longer feel the heavy weight of rocks, as in the picture.

The WiDoW with AduLt CHildRen, Glue and ComplicAted GriEF. Chapter 2

Children, Christian Widows, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children

I now see, it took my husbands passing to explore deepened relationships with my four adult children.  Even though I am immensely grateful for our intensified affection and frequent times together, bittersweet sorrow  comes with this…..the fact is,  the following is another transparent facet of my “Growing Thru Grief” story.

Within hours of his passing,  as he still lay in the bedroom, inwardly I was crying out to God saying, “God, I hope you know what You are doing…how will (this child) and (another child) handle his death?  WHAT WILL THIS DO IN / TO THEIR LIVES?”  At that same moment I equally felt confident that two of the four would manage things “OK” in the crisis of losing their dad.

With my-now-full-hindsight of that life altering day, not only was I overwhelmed with shock and grief, a looming shadowy fear had also risen its ugly head alongside the pain.  Losing Loren left me in one MORE situation of the possibility of having to hold the world together, this time by myself.  In addition, I simply couldn’t bear the thought of experiencing a greater crisis of ANY kind at ANY level.

Today, at four years out, I reminisce how grief effects the whole extended family.   From the surviving spouse, down to the adult children and on down to the grandchildren… death hurts.  Loren’s death still impacts my siblings and their spouses, my nieces and nephews, my parents. Loren’s death still impacts his siblings and spouses and his nieces and nephews.

My children and I now seem to be glued together.   Sometimes I wonder if we appear to be anti-social to the other people at the parties or family gatherings.  At a BarBQ yesterday, we all sat close to each other around a table, our chairs sitting far closer to each other than they would’ve been before his passing (although… the daughters would have been nestled up close to their dad with his arm around the back of their chairs and his hands resting on their shoulders).

No, we are not anti-social. We, together, are capable of  visiting with others who are not part of our immediate family but our attentions are quickly drawn back to each other.  We, together, are quick to ask if the other is doing ok.  We, together, are quicker to  compassionately respond if someone seems to be having a hard time.  Laughter bubbles easier.  In fact, our sense of humor has remained intact….I wonder, if  because we had tapped into the vein of deep pain, together,  have all of our senses now become heightened?

My children and I have, just recently, started talking about grief……wondering if we aren’t the examples of “complicated grief”.  OUR story is,  our family didn’t live a perfect rosy life.  We, with him also, survived many brutal bumps along the way.

As we now share amongst ourselves, we are discovering  that after a loved ones death  the brutal bumps of the past don’t disappear……

We are discovering you don’t just grieve the DEATH of a person.  You grieve the few (or many) losses that you felt  and experienced in that individual relationship….THROUGHOUT that entire relationship.

But, we are all open.  Open to growth and healing where needed…. all while honoring and missing our loved one.

P.S.  Gotta tell you, Loren would be thrilled knowing the result off his death did not create strife and division.  Instead, it has entwined our lives in a continuation of increasing beautiful ways.

 

 

 

WIDOWS and THeiR ADulT CHildren. Chapter 1.

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Widows and aloneness, Widows and their Adult Children

I wasn’t raised to think this way.  As a married lady with a husband and children I certainly didn’t have this mindset.  As a single person with adult children and grandchildren I am having to learn to embrace this way….

About 6 months after Loren passed,  it was on a  fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself. 

Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly,  daily at times.  They were my life-line.  My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.

I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come.  It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.

 Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“.  I then thought of these facts:

  • “I am 57”.
  • “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
  • “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
  • “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
  • “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.

It was then that I  intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.

Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.

“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .

“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.