Category Archives: Miscellaneous

FEELING GOD for the 1st TIME

February 24, 2017Faith in God, Grief, identifying positive things, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

For the past 22 months I have not felt God. For the past 22 months I have not felt His presence. I’m sure He’s been there all the while but grief had numbed me. I have worshipped out of sheer choice. Sheer determination.

That is until 3 Sundays ago. When I felt God for the 1st time^! When the windows of Heaven slid open. Again!

Since his passing I’d been faithful in going to church even though it would’ve been easier to have stayed at home, to hibernate….to not place myself in one more uncomfortable social setting where I’d be forced to face my loss. I’d been faithful in believing God to be faithful towards me. I have stayed on the straight and narrow out of sheer will power along with my memory of God’s goodness towards me in past times.

When Loren died a part of me died….a vast desert awaited for me.

Until…THaT Sunday! The Sunday that I had a vivid awareness that my soul was awakening. The Sunday when I had a vivid awareness that life was returning to me, in me.

I still grieve for my loss but I now feel God near me, as I had prior to his passing. I covet God’s presence. Sensing God’s presence is precious. Simply priceless because…..

It gives me renewed hope that God watches out for the widow
It gives me increased courage knowing that He is with me
It gives me a type of tangible proof that He will go with me and before me in life
It gives me a sign, even a landmark, when I felt that God remembered me on that specific day
It gives me encouragement that God will still use me for His glory in this phase of my life

Because I now know what it feels like to not recognize God’s presence, should I have a friend who loses a loved one~ I know how I will pray…. I will pray they will once again feel God. That is, to once again feel God’s presence.

For God’s presence is gold. Priceless gold.

“So, God, my earnest prayer today is to never let me be foolish to live in such a way where You could not dwell in me, inhabit me. For that would surely be death and more sorrow, again. I’ve tasted the death and sorrow. I’m tasting tidbits of renewed life. I need life. I choose life. With and in You.”

TAXES & DEATH CERTIFICATES & SUCH

February 6, 2017Death, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in lifeJulia Wasson

This tax season I am no longer a widow. Thankfully I had that 1^st year where the government recognized me as a widow to help me slowly adjust to those taxable changes, the tax adjustments, the decrease in deductions I could use. This tax season I am being taxed as a single. The first time in my life paying taxes as a single person.

And, last week I had to once again produce another death certificate for a business transaction. I foresee having to prove his death in more situations as they show themselves. You’d think this would come to an end after 22 months.

As I’ve had to continue producing death certificates I’ve discovered:

It no longer bothers me to read his death certificate. For the most part, I read the death certificate as I would read any other document. In my mind his death certificate is associated with all things related to finances and legalities.

Reading the death certificate somehow solidifies, even cements, THAT day ~ that landmark in time, those 5 hours in our home when he passed away quickly, when the EMT’s worked on him, when the coroner arrived, when my daughters and I said our goodbyes on that bedroom floor for 3 ½ hours, when Brenna sang from the grand piano when the funeral directors took his body from our home out to the van, watching them take his body down the driveway, and then away.

As he seems to fade in my life, those death certificates are a wonderful reminder that I was his wife. I love to see my name on that death certificate. Death certificates. Confirming a solemn, life changing event.

I’m also not bothered receiving mail that may have his name on it. In fact, I somehow enjoy seeing mail addressed to him.

It brings a comfort, another reminder that he and I had shared our life.

It puts perspective in to my life. He and I had shared our finances. We were attached.

We were recognized as an entity ~ together. I wish it could stay that way forever…….

…and those letters of advertisement and pieces of random mail can keep coming…with his name alone or ours together posted on the envelope. I’m not ready for them to stop. When they completely stop I for sure will most certainly feel alone.

MY 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE

January 27, 2017Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life. — This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Since his death, I’ve found myself becoming more like Loren. Is it my way of compensating for the loss? Is it because it’s my way of keeping his memory alive? Is it new additional strength arising in me?

Loren was the ultimate dreamer. An optimist. At times he had called me the pessimist. I would immediately shoot back verbally, telling him I was the realist between the two, to help him keep his feet on the ground, to be his balancing counterpoint.

At 21 ¾ months out I’ve found myself listening to the talk radio shows he’d listen to when driving truck. I’ve found myself reading more news articles to keep myself updated with current events ~ he was the one who kept me abreast with world- wide news. I’ve found myself reading more articles on the Dow Jones and financial forecasts.

I’ve found myself rising up to the challenge, new challenges……stepping up to the plate, new plates…..and taking the bull by the horns when I absolutely must. But, I still don’t like bulls and I don’t like horns.

Even though I feel the negatives of being single very much outweigh the positives, I am learning there are positives to being a single lady.

Thus, MY LIST of 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE:

I don’t have to cook and bake, unless I want to.

I don’t need to shave my legs as often. Who cares if I have prickly legs?

I have complete control of the TV remote in our bedroom suite.

I can be a bed hog.

If I wanted to, I could wear footie PJ’s to bed.

I don’t have to share counter space in the Master bath.

I have the entire closet space available to myself.

I have complete control in the office…arranging the files how I prefer, arranging the desk top to what works best for me.

When it comes to using debit cards, ATM’s, and credit cards, it’s far easier to stay abreast of exact dollar amounts in such accounts.

…………………………… well, I was wrong, I can’t think of 10 positives of being single.

BUT I AM HAPPY I CAN IDENTIFY 9 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE! Being able to identify 9 positives is monumental!

“So, dear Lord. Thank you for helping me forge ahead. Happy times. Sad times. Bright times. Dark times. In all and through all of them, I know You are with me.”

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

January 18, 2017Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpg

Since his passing I’ve learned positive things. Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman. I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places. Because I believe. Eventually. In time. I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

Love is eternal. As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.” It does. He does. In my heart.

I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead. He was right. I know more than I thought. I am strong.

Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him. Pictures of him. Moments of him in increments of time.

My circumstances do not hold the power to alter the character of who God is.

People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death). I’m still learning what all of this means….

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.

Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss. We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try. We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.

Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain. My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.

Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.

New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong. But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading. I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories. That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily. I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending. I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You. In the eye of the storm You still see me. “

ELTON JOHN and TRYING TO RETURN TO MUSIC with THE SUN GOING DOWN ON ME

January 9, 2017Grief, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Blindsided. While returning to old territory, that is, returning to music. Maybe again finding the creative Julia, that part of me that wrote music, that part of me that was deeply stirred by music.

Today I watched an Elton John concert that I had pre-recorded. My body loved the rhythm. I was again enamored with Elton’s astonishing piano skills, his song writing skills. I was caught up in the sheer talent of the musicians. But, emotionally I wanted to run. I wanted to turn my TV off.

But at 21 months out I forced myself to sit through the 60 minute concert. I forced myself, for my own good. A knife may as well have been inserted, pulled back, then pushed through my flesh further, back and forth. The killer song was DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME. “…like losing everything, is like the sun going down on me.” Just one song. Creating heightened searing pain and yet enjoyment. A tangled mixture.

I know many do not understand me. But Loren understood me. He understood me, as the musician. He tolerated me, as the musician. He adored me, as the musician. That was his first draw towards me. Hearing me sing a song I had written while he attended a concert where I was performing. It was after that concert that he approached me and introduced himself to me.

My first gift from him was a new piano, the same acoustic piano that my piano students use in my music studio. Early in our marriage he would ask me to play and sing for him. In his perfect world I would’ve done that every day, just for him. I now so regret I hadn’t made more effort in our busy lives. Thankfully, in our final years I would take the time to sit down and sing some of his favorite songs, those songs I had written about he and I. Two songs I had written for our wedding, the one song I had surprised him with singing from the grand piano, the other song he and I sang as a duet at our wedding.

12 years ago he surprised me; Loren had purchased an old grand piano from the Beaverton School District, had it restored and it now proudly sits in the great room. It was his 25^th wedding anniversary gift to me.

Loren’s greatest surprise gift ever was Valentine’s Day 2013. He had taken the time and made the effort to memorize John Legend’s song, ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOU. We were in our motel room in Seattle. He had started singing the song to me Acapella. The entire song, while looking in to my eyes ~ without breaking his gaze. I broke down and cried. In the past it had always been m IMG_0664 (1) e singing for him. This time I was his private audience. I loved it! Until the day he died he knew how I cherished it.

Maybe I will never write music again. Maybe I will never perform privately for another man. Maybe that part of me has died with him. And maybe that is OK with me…….

NEW ACKNOWLEDGMENTS and EXPOSED STRUGGLES with HONEST WORSHIP

December 31, 2016Faith in God, Grief, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Just mere months after Loren had passed, my oldest brother Galen Gingerich, pastor of New Horizons Church in McMinnville, (http://New Horizons Church) had taken me out for lunch and while walking to the car he was quietly singing “YOU’RE A GOOD, GOOD FATHER…THAT’S WHO YOU ARE.…” Not only did I feel dead inside, I truthfully cringed at those words. Something inside of me recoiled. The God that I had known and served had not demonstrated His goodness towards me, especially with my husband’s sudden death introducing a level of trauma because I couldn’t revive him with CPR. My pain was so deep ~ grief had it’s way. Griefs way of blinding me from the goodness God had demonstrated in my life prior to ” THAT day”.

Recently, while rocking grandson Lincoln before his bedtime, I found myself singing that exact song, “You’re a good, good Father…that’s who You are…and I’m loved by You, that’s who I am…” I was suddenly surprised to discover a portion of the song freely flowed from my lips.

This morning marks 21 months. 21 months since THAT day. I am just now beginning to feel warmth when I sing of God’s love for me. It’s become easy to sing of God’s love. I so welcome the ability to once again feel God’s presence.

But I cannot sing, “YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your ways…..YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your Ways…” It’s like my throat freezes. No sound comes out. I become stationery. My body feels like lead. My mind shifts into neutral… I feel like a mechanical robot. Just during that portion of the song. I can’t seem to sing those words. It would be difficult to force the words out plus I feel it would almost be a form of hypocrisy for me. It’s like a portion of my widowed heart does not believe those words…..the words, “You are perfect in all of Your ways”. For certain, I know my heart cannot acknowledge those words. YET.

Losing my spouse and purposing to grow through the loss has become my greatest spiritual challenge. A difficult race. Even a test, I wonder. For years I have believed and confessed that God is in control of my life. Deep inside I still believe that. I still put my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ but I just can’t see the big picture and since I have not readily embraced “the new picture I’m living inside of”, at times, I have turmoil inside of me. I especially feel the turmoil on this one song. During this one section of this song.

But, in time I’ll need to start singing those words….. “You are perfect in all of Your ways, You are perfect in all of Your ways…”. I’ll need to sing those words in faith even if I don’t feel it or understand it. And I know that time is drawing closer. Closer to more surrender. I just know it.

MEN WHO KEEP THEIR WORD

December 16, 2016MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Wouldn’t you know! Just when the snow and ice is here, my 4×4 Expedition decides to act up! But, Dan Burman to the rescue! At Loren’s memorial service he had sobbed and told me, “If there’s anything you ever need ~ you know I’ll help you out.” In 20 months this is the first time I’ve needed his assistance with a vehicle. Dan is a man of his word.

Loren was a man of his word. If he told someone he’d do something for them he followed through. Granted, he was known to over-extend himself (over commit himself) but he’d follow through. He believed in the “handshake rule”….man to man.

I feel greatly blessed. For the Dan Burman’s. The Marvin Lux’s. It’s a rarity that I need their assistance but I feel great comfort knowing they’ll respond immediately since I am not a lady who “cries wolf”.

Even though I like to believe I am Miss Independent the truth is I am not. I wish I could be. Being alone is showing me how much I do know at the same time magnifying the areas where I have close to none or -0- expertise.

Today my heart is full of comfort. I am not stranded, even if I’m snowed in. Sometimes I think God lets us need others. And I’m learning to be OK with that.

I’M MOVING and PROMISES

December 6, 2016Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

You could say I had been FROZEN.

Then I was STUCK.

SPEAKING OF STUCK………that makes me think a few years back when Loren and I, out of sheer necessity, were cleaning out a 2 1/2 feet deep water, silt-filled, mucky culvert in the back 40. We each had shovels and knee high rubber boots on. Well, we long ago learned to never go into a creek-line together, especially near a culvert, so the other could pull ‘em out if needed. Well, I sank in silt-mud up to my knees. I was caught. Loren yanked on me from the edge. Neither boot of mine would budge. We were laughing hysterically. Using his shovel, he tried to create pockets of air around my feet. I was still stuck. He cautiously stuck one foot on the edge of the creek-line to gain some leverage. He started to sink. He became stuck too. Our shovels were basically useless other than good handles to lean on. With much deliberate effort, we slid our feet out of our rubber boots and then crawled out of the muck. We were in wet, thick mud up to our elbows, entire legs and bellies. We never could retrieve my one stuck boot until the following summer after the water receded.

SOME MAY SAY I AM STILL STUCK because:

At 20 months-out-to- the-day, I’m still very much in love with my deceased husband. My heart is with him.
I love my life living in the home we built and shared.
I have no desire to change my residence or the memories that surround me at the ranch.
I’m not looking for another life with anyone else.

But, I SAY I AM MOVING FORWARD because:

I have found meaningful friendships. There is a lessened void.
I can now immerse myself in Biblical devotions and apply Truths without dwelling on grief.
I can now drive to church on Sunday mornings without the hot, flowing tears.
I can now eat in a restaurant by myself without feeling severe loneliness.
I no longer cringe when I hear the words “widow” and “single”. I AM those two words and I AM “OK” with it. To refuse those labels would be a form of denial. I feel it is my job to face this portion of my life head-on. To live through it. To live it out and learn to be content in it. Whether I like it or not, I’ve been thrown into a new season.

Furthermore the truth is, every one of us will at some point in our life face a deep level of despair. Every one of us will at some point feel like our world has fallen apart. Every one of us will at some point question God’s goodness. God never promised us a rose garden. But, God does promise He will be with us.

“So, God, I’m thankful I’m no longer frozen. I’m even thankful I can feel pain. I’m more thankful I’m not running from being alone and loneliness. Thank you for the journey of contentment. I thank You for helping me discover new things about myself. Amen. “

WIDOWS and BOUNDARIES and REPORTED FREE SEX

November 23, 2016MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Don’t read this blog if you’re not brave. I’ve always believed in tasteful candor.

About month #4 into my widowhood a well-respected Pastor’s wife and friend, from a larger church in Salem, talked with me. Sharing how too many Christian widows end up using alcohol in excess and participate in free sex, as a way to replace the love and fulfillment they felt with their husbands. I was not offended in her warning, but carefully listened to this beautiful lady because I have utmost respect for her, knowing she would never have flippantly told me this.

I appreciated her candid knowledge. I needed to have been warned. I had been accustomed to much physical touch and intimacy in my marriage.

At 19 months into widowhood, let’s just say, “I GET IT”. I really get it. I don’t need the alcohol to make me feel better, but the residing question is, “How do I channel the extra nurturing compassion that I have, the extra attention and effort that I had put towards my husband and our marriage”?

Out of my close- knit circle of single Christian women friends, there are some who have been widowed for a good while, having made a few proven bad choices along their journey. We listen to their stories and try to absorb their red flag warnings. Then there are some of us who are holding out, not being able to imagine that another man, as great as our husbands, would ever enter our lives. Some are wanting a husband, snap your fingers…right now.

But, out of my circle of close friends, WE ALL AGREE, we should be responsible to not assert the healthy behavior we used with our husbands on to other men, out of marriage. See, we were used to receiving attention on a daily basis.

So, I say, “SHAME ON YOU, if you’re a man who readily runs into an available situation with a widow:

Shame on you if you have taken advantage of a widow who is trying to inadvertently replace her husband.
Because there are widows who feel lost.
Because there are widows who are floundering emotionally and financially.
Because there are widows who miss the strength of a man’s mere presence.”

And I readily and happily say, “THANK YOU to the men whom I regularly associate with:

Thank you to those men who are responsible. Who aren’t afraid to briefly visit with me and provide basic friendship.
Thank you to those men who trust me, knowing I won’t be inappropriate, knowing I respect the marriage covenant they share with their wives.
Thank you to those men who provide safe boundaries so that I may also maintain my set boundaries.
Thank you, because I as a Christian widow need men such as you.”

Last but not least, please don’t be afraid of widows. We are not piranha’s. But, we are our own breed. Forced to survive and hopefully flourish. Choosing to serve God.

LEARNING TO THINK “I”, GROWING THRU GRIEF and BEING THANKFUL

November 22, 2016MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

LEARNING TO THINK “me, myself and I” has been the 2nd hardest thing I’ve ever done so far in this lifetime. As a child I was raised to function in the family structure. I’d developed into an adult person who gave importance to “we”. Yet, I’m more than aware there are some who view “me, myself and I” as a desired, happy place. A place of independence, a place of personal achievement, a place to have conquered life without the support of a permanent mate………. well, I can’t say I’m at “that place”. I enjoyed marriage with Loren and the structure it provided.

But, being catapulted into singleness has:

Caused me to acknowledge I can get by as a single person although
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. Praying you enjoy your loved ones.

this would never have been my first choice.
Put me in a position to feel inescapable loneliness.

Forced me to learn to occupy my time with new things.

Made me realize all the more how much I did depend upon and need my husband. A person just doesn’t realize how much “the two had become one” until you lose them.

But, today I bear a banner saying “All will be well”. Today I bear an attitude of gratefulness. Today I bear a heart of thankfulness that I am blessed. And I am growing.

I am growing because:

I’ve decided I can do this! Millions upon millions of people have lived unrequested single lives and existed in a godly, responsible, meaningful way.

Even though I am alone and constantly aware of it, I’m finding my will power plays a role in helping overcome loneliness in public settings.

I’m finally entertaining the mindset of being open to pursue new hobbies ~ new activities that may be different than the activities that Loren and I did as a couple.

“So, God…..keep giving me wisdom. The scripture tells me You give wisdom to those who ask and since I ask on a regular basis, and stand beneath Your covering, that puts me beneath the open pipeline for a bucket of wisdom to dump itself all over me.”

Happy Thanksgiving friends! I’m blessed to have Loren & my 4 children and spouses, 6 grandchildren, my parents and siblings and their families, and my wonderful girlfriends Lorri, Eileen, Donna, Cindy, Kate, and the other ladies whom I’ve grown to love from Grief Share, along with Loren’s siblings and their families whom I love. I am not alone.