Category Archives: Miscellaneous

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

2013 summer at Jack's memorial serviceThis weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes.  Some changes bring relief.   Some changes hold sadness.   I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously.  That has not been my life story.  But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

  • I no longer cry every day.  Most days I am content, even happy.
  • I want to be included  when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me.  And liking the status of “just me”.
  • I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.
  • I have successfully read one  thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.
  • Should I accidently walk out  the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis.  I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

 

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

  • I am forgetting bits and pieces of him.  Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.
  • I’m learning memories are NOT enough.  It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say,  I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.
  • I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived  working hard.  We made a great team out here.  I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself.  A tough realization.
  • Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through?  I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses.  His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage.  He’s gone.  But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.
  • Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself.  It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia.  To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives.  Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

 

 

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’m like you.  Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head.  Understanding those basic rules of privacy.  However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

  • Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?
  • What determines if you be sexually active?
  • Do you see yourself re-marrying?
  • What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

 

  • RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

    No!  In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months.  I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.Julia summer 2014 road trip

     I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of.  Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of.   Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle.  To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

    RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

    My answer is threefold.

    First, at month four I prayed to the Lord  that He help  curb the desires.  God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

    Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners.  I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband.  I don’t know how to NOT love deeply.  How NOT to bond deeply.  How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner.  Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely.  I’m stubborn.  And I believe God knows what is best for us!

    Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing.  They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE:  Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not!  My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single.  I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped.  I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was.  Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways?  (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE:  What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”  She’s right.  She knew.  She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW?  What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

  • “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
  • “Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain.  You’ll face it sooner.  And later”.
  • “Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
  • “I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt.  I’m here”.

God be with us all.  In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

 

 

 

 

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbands

IMG_0664 (1)I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one.  Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people.  Single and married adults.  I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either! 

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses.  Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.
  • It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.
  • It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies  acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were  “blurring boundaries”. 

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up.   Now I do have a leg to stand on.  Today I have  28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my  friends…some, casual acquaintances:

  • We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.
  • We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions.  We understand and do not feel offended!
  • Just because I am a Christian lady does not  mean you shouldn’t pay attention.
  • When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.
  • You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal.  And correct.  So full of wisdom.  You are his help-meet.  Regularly and fervently tending  to your garden.
  • We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.
  • Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend.  Your man’s #1 confidant.  If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP!   SPEAK UP!  Don’t become helpless!
  • Wives, fight for your marriages!  We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

 

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in.  Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines.  All the while doing it God’s way.

My THREE newest DISCOVERIES and CIRCLES

Death, Family, friendships, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgIt took my husband’s passing away to open new discoveries in my life.  I now see I was willingly locked, by love and commitment, in to sharing and living my life with him.  At 27 ½ months out, I’m still walking through “the valley”  but I now can pick the wild flowers and lay down in the lush grass along my journey.

While driving to Salem this past Friday morning I had an unexpected “ah ha” moment. You know, those periodic moments where the mind and heart, together, reveal a new truth.

With a rush of dark sadness and a few minutes of hot, torrential tears I realized the following……

“IT TOOK MY HUSBAND’S PASSING FOR ME TO DISCOVER…………………..”

  To discover:

  • New friends! Because I’ve attended Grief Share since 4 months out, I’ve made forever friendships with 10 specific ladies.  We get together monthly for a meal.  We attend each other’s children’s special occasions. All of us are walking “the road”. Some having entered the journey earlier than me.  But all of us forging ahead.
  • New adventures! I’ve just now returned from a fabulous weekend away at a beach house with these same girlfriends.  We successfully crossed the threshold of remaining close friends after spending 48 plus hours together!  (In the past I would’ve NEVER gone away for a weekend with 10 girlfriends….undoubtedly, Loren would’ve been MY first choice, in a motel room with lots of fun and romance at the beach).
  • New freedoms! I like not having “to share” day in and day out. That sounds selfish, but it’s the truth.   (Oh, how I miss that life with him!  But I’m alone.  And it’s healthy for me to embrace being alone.)

“It took my husband’s passing away to discover…….”

Today my heart is full of deep sadness knowing it took Loren’s passing for new, good people to come my way.  Today my heart is full of happiness and contentment for I know these ladies who would run to my side if I needed them.

Oh, and btw, TWO of those TEN “Grief Share girlfriends” were my friends when I was young!

Donna:  5 years younger than me, grew up on an adjoining farm, went to the same church,  ~ a close friend of my sister, Janelle, and her mother was also a friend of my mom!

Eileen:  a girl I met at Bible camp in Middle School.  In High School my sister, Jean, and I attended the same private High School together with Eileen.  We three were very close friends and have silly, silly life stories under our belts!

 We lived our own separate lives within a 50 mile radius.

That is, until death, grief, and loss reconnected me with them…all ending up together at Grief Share meetings in Dallas, Oregon.  WHO WOULD’VE KNOWN !

Circles.  Re-connection.  As the song from THE LION KING movie says,  “It’s the circle, the circle of life!”  The circle of friendship.  Re-born from loss and death.

New FIRSTS while SITTING at the BACK of the CHURCH

Miscellaneous
This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
Beautiful times with intermittent layers of dark clouds. That’s me.

 

In my new world of firsts, I’ve now volunteered to serve as a door greeter at the 10:45 service on Sunday mornings.  I’ve decided it is time to serve in an unknown capacity because I brought my years as a worship leader to the end, before Loren passed. I’ve decided it’s still healthy for me to no longer be up on the stage.

Serving at the back door of the sanctuary is a good and necessary  change for someone who’s been in the forefront most of her life. At the back door of the sanctuary, I’ve enjoyed seeing faces that are foreign to me.  I’ve enjoyed greeting people and passing out programs.

Because being a door greeter means remaining at your post up to 10 minutes after a service starts, I have started sitting in the back of church instead of my preferred place in the first 3 rows at church.

Who knew changing a location to be seated would dig into a new surprise layer…  another layer of sorrow.  Another reminder of my alone-ness.  Another distraction in my ability to focus on God.

WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:

  • I have discovered there are a minimum of 60 other individuals sitting alone, week after week.
  • I have discovered there are 10-15 other adult men sitting alone, week after week.

 

WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:

  • I watch couples. Couples between 40 to 70 years old.
  • I watch couples who don’t touch each other at church. Obviously long married couples who believe in no PDA (no physical display of affection).
  • I watch couples who sit close to each other, as my husband and I did, who are relaxed with the art of physical display of affection. Happy for that extra chance to snuggle against the spouse. Happy to sense each other’s presence while enjoying the House of the Lord.

 

WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH:

  • I have become distracted which hinders my ability to focus on worship.
  • I have again felt deep loss in a place and setting where I need to be rejoicing.

 

Who would’ve known, at 26 months out, I’d still keep bumping in to new situations …all that demand a response so I can forge ahead in this grief journey?

It’s simple.  I choose to worship outside of deep sorrow and distractions.  I choose to resist the temptation of avoiding church so I don’t face these uncomfortable feelings.

It’s simple. I will walk up that aisle and sit within the first 3 rows of the sanctuary after I’m finished greeting.

God, I pray you’ll help me become happy and content at church.  I’m learning how to worship You again but I miss the happy and content part when attending church.

MY SHOUTING CONSCIENCE and CONSIDERING that I’M PLACED HERE

Death, Faith in God, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life, widowhood

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgAt 25 months out I find my conscience shouting! Shouting at me! To the point where, all the while living with my clear conscience and the peace within, I come to a standstill and say, “God, what are you trying to tell me?”  Good grief!

Rarely does God show me areas that I need to immediately correct. But many times I see a dashboard.  With a flashing yellow light.  Even a flashing red light.  In my minds eye I see the straight and narrow road with little forks meandering off to the right or the left.  I have been determined to serve God and not deny my faith even though I questioned God and His goodness for a long while.

I now consider the possibility of me being PLACED HERE.

If quote “temptations” were thrown in front of me during year #1 of widowhood I didn’t notice them because I was frozen in my grief.  Consumed with the heaviness of grief looming in my heart, body, and mind.  Surely locked in that wonderful cocoon of fresh memory, even a haven of entwined love between the spouse who passed and the spouse left, me.

Now entering my 3rd year of widowhood,  the heavy grief has lifted and tears periodically flow but I must tell you the multitudes of choices, decisions, and yes, temptations swirl around me!

I’m not interested in looking for a companion on the internet, not looking for a person to date…yet I most certainly feel the void of not having my husband and our tangible, incredible connection.

At times I feel stranded…yet..maybe..SOMEHOW PLACED HERE…by life, by circumstances, by death…and I’m now starting to believe BY GOD.

You may ask, Julia,…what are the TEMPTATIONS you face, as of today?

  • (Only for the sake of companionship and because he’s a connection with my husband) the temptation to meet that man for coffee as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).
  • (Only to stay in touch with my husband and our days at the racetrack) the temptation to meet that other man for a quick dinner as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).

So, I listen to my conscience. I deny my desire to reconnect.  With those men who are pieces of his past…

You may ask, what are your CHOICES that other’s do not already deal with?

  • Something as simple as, what am I going to do this Saturday? For 37 years my husband and I determined to spend time together.  Our past few years, Saturdays were precious.
  • What church best fits me? We chose a church that suited us as a couple. I now choose by myself.
  • What vehicles do I drive? And keep?  He had his. Plural. I have mine.
  • How long do I keep a vehicle when I’m having to put money in to it in repairs? I’ve lost the  majority of our joint income.  Things are different now.

Regarding that dashboard with the periodic flashing light?   God knows my future….He knows what’s coming down the pike. I think I’ll keep watching the dashboard.

Psalms 32:10-11.  “Many are the woes of the wicked..but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.”

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgFirst up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together.  Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy,  hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts.  Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting.  Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come.  For me to grow.  For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

 THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

  • I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
  • I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
  • At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

 

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

  • Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
  • I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
  • I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
  • I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

 

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching.  We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home.  We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

  • We became intentional close friends.  Buddies.  Best friends.
  • We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
  • We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
  • And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so.  He told me so.  Often.
  • And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

FOUR self DISCOVERIES and ONE PONDERING while TRAVELING to Israel

Miscellaneous

I’ve just returned from one of the highlights of my life. While on this trip to Israel the 2nd  anniversary of his passing occurred.  That day held solemn moments and remembrance of him and our life, all while enjoying my current activity.  I had not purposefully planned this trip around the anniversary date however the two coinciding may just have been a blessing in disguise.

A blessing in disguise because on the trip I discovered:

  1. I don’t feel guilty about traveling without him.  (Yet I wonder if that is because going to Israel was not on Loren and my bucket list?)
  2.  I believe I need to travel while I am young enough  to get out there and walk those 6 miles a day to see the sights and take in a full day.  (I’m not convinced waiting for more money or retirement is a better time to travel.)
  3.  I’m not interested in traveling the world by myself  so traveling with other’s works best for me. (And maybe having a hotel room by myself will be OK next time?)
  4. I can enjoy new experiences and places even when when I am still moving forward in grief.

 

During my 11 day adventure I often pondered if going to heaven and leaving your loved ones behind on earth wasn’t a lot like me going on a trip  and leaving my loved ones at home; for I was aware of my loved ones who were far away at home, even missed them, all the while thoroughly embracing the new sights and experiences  I had found. I was content and could’ve stayed away far longer.

I leave you with the following quote I had read 16 months ago…it’s just now that this quote is applicable in my present journey:

”Grief is learning that it’s possible for a part of you to die WHILE you are still learning.”  John Pete.

I choose to keep learning.  I choose to stay on the path towards life.

 

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year.  As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision.  Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again.  Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

 If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract.  As an abstract painting.   Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”.  But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions.  This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind.  How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together.  How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence.  All as if there were no tomorrow.  All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed.  Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him.  We had learned to vacation within our home.  We had learned to let the world slip by.  No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God.  Not lost ~  but certainly by myself.  (But I still wonder if our loved ones  in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).

STEEL BARS and RE-MARRIAGE and VALENTINES

Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

STEEL BARS… WRAPPED ALL AROUND ME….I’ve been your prisoner since the day you found me…I’m bound forever ‘til the end of time, steel bars, locked around this heart of mine.”  Michael Bolton’s song, STEEL BARS, was one of the numerous songs I had put on a CD I had made for Loren in December of 2014.  This song had re-sounded in me for years. Now, at an earlier point in our marriage this same song rang true but with frustration because we were struggling.

 At year 37 we were flying high. Deeply, even madly, in love. More enthralled with each other than ever. More attached than ever because weLoren & Julia had put blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage union.  Add that with our history…”Loren & Julia’s story”…we were unstoppable.  Heart Valentines.

Because of the heart connection we shared, I HAVE WONDERED..simply put, I have questions:

  • Will I always feel so in love with him?  There are times it feels torturous to be so in love with someone when you can’t be with them. At other time’s I carry a smile, secretly comprehending the love we enjoyed.
  • Would becoming a widow have been easier if he & I would have had a mundane “put-up-with-each-other” relationship?
  • How can some widows and widowers possibly move on by this time  (23 months) and find another person to be with?
  • Doesn’t any of them feel the sense of loyalty to the spouse that is deceased?
  • Are the widow or widower just wanting someone else to replace  what they HAD with their deceased spouse…or maybe what they DIDN’T HAVE with their spouse?
  • Is that even fair to the other person when you still deeply love your deceased spouse?
  • Is it true that some remarry for the sheer sake of companionship?

I wonder.  With no clear answers.  And very possibly I wouldn’t have as many questions if my marriage had ended with a painful divorce vs death….

But I don’t need to wonder about THIS:  how I feel grateful, even vibrantly alive, that I was blessed to have found that undying love with one person. Those steel bars of connection. Blessed to have found the deep pools of warm, enduring love that kept us warm, alive, and bonded.  For there are some married couples who never quite find that place……….that place that can be said, “We,  AS A  COUPLE, are home.”