Category Archives: Miscellaneous

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

October 22, 2018Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and alonenessJulia Wasson

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart. I had too. Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is, SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”, written by Dr. Alice Radosh, Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh. Well said. Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it. I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for 37 years. Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”. Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.” “It’s time you move on and get over him.” Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament. We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”. That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

June 28, 2018Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and MarriageJulia Wasson

I was married 37 years. Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first. Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss). In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”. If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in our marriage:

That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped. There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other. We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears. And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less! Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him. I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other. Who decided “we” were worth the effort. I then lived the amazing reward. With him.

We found a deep lasting love. I can never settle for anything less.

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

April 3, 2018Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table. Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years. If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.” Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words. He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son. I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed. I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

To use more logic than emotion.

To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

To consider selling or gifting specific things.

To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time, this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal. Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves.

But it’s time:

To again, with heightened perspective, take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

To be bold enough to ask new questions. See new angles. See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S. I’ve just now re-read this blog. Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening. Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting. Raisin’ my hand. Prayer, please!

The PATRIARCHS IMPACT and EXCHANGES

March 19, 2018Death, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, widowhood, widows losing their fathersJulia Wasson

summer of 2015, Monday date night — summer of 2015, dad and I on a Monday night outing.

Three years this month the Patriarch of my children and grandchildren passed. This same month, 16 days ago, the Patriarch of my birth family passed. Please understand, the word “Patriarch” does not bother me. Both my husband and father did not lord the position of “eldest male” over us ~ wife, sisters, daughters, brothers, or sons.

Having witnessed their spirits leaving their earthly bodies, to me, it confirmed a spiritual act happened as the body ceased to function.

Undoubtedly, Loren’s sudden and unexpected passing brought a high level of shock and distress whereas my 88 year old father’s passing has not to the same degree.

Either which way, the two most influential men in my life have now left earth.

Both Patriarchs are physically gone.

Somehow, I greet this EXCHANGE with JOY:

Because I believe my father, my husband, and other loved ones are reunited and having fellowship with each other, as they often did together here on earth, I find a high level of comfort!

Because I believe my father and my husband now have full knowledge of the beautiful mysteries that the Holy Bible refers to, I smile (both men enjoyed challenges and learning)!

Because I believe we humans are confined to our limited understanding, to imagine the connection that surely must exist between the Heavens and the Earth gives me a sense of closeness to my loved ones gone on before me (even though we are far apart we somehow are so very close)!

Because I am confident my loved ones are more spiritually alive and fulfilled than ever before, I can only be happy for them!

I, at the same time, GREET THIS EXCHANGE with SORROW:

Because I know where physical loss occurs a tremendous void will exist.

Because I know there will be days my heart will desperately ache for them.

Because I have now lost my father, I have lost another powerful former times relationship with a man. (Loren, 37 years. My dad, 59 years).

Because I am a bit fearful (having finally crawled out of the deep pit of grief from my husband’s death) I am all too aware of that slippery slope of despair….

Because of my humanness , the finality of physical death feels as if it will last forever. In Heaven’s eyes, though, death’s finality is merely temporary.. LIFE HERE IS JUST A FLIT.

MOST SURPRISINGLY, today, I GREET THIS EXCHANGE with a level of EXPECTATION.

Through Loren’s passing I have discovered:

out of sheer fear has come bravery.
out of deep loneliness has come the inward consent to enjoy my single self.
out of great anxiety has come the decision(s) to not worry.
out of the sudden loss of Loren has come my determination to ask this ONE hard question as a perspective baseline: “IS THIS GIVEN SITUATION LIFE OR DEATH?” (simply put: there are some things that do not demand my immediate attention or concern).

I wonder what new things I might glean from now losing the TWO most influential , most- close- to- my- heart men in my life?

Love you forever, dad and Loren. Heaven can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, I press forward.

THIS is HOW I FIGHT my BATTLES

February 26, 2018Fighting Grief, Miscellaneous, Worship and GriefJulia Wasson

I imagine the Heavens opening up when I can worship

Battles. And Music.

I was the child / girl / teenager who from a very young age could swoon any song, had a great vocal range, could easily memorize all lyrics, sing all genres of music…. and to top it off, sang with intense, deep emotion that could “pull at dead people’s heart strings”.

(yes, I was literally told the-dead-people’s-strings-thing once!)

However, from the day Loren passed away I somehow unintentionally set music aside:

That same ability to permeate music from my head to my toes was the same shared emotional component that exuded loss.

Because the grief deadened my ability to feel, trying to worship God without the depth I was accustomed to felt insincere.

I had resigned to the idea I might forever remain in frustration that this integral part of myself may lay dormant.

I had been desperate to feel the Heavens open up.

So, “by accident” a friend of a friend’s Facebook post floated through my Newsfeed (which rarely happens). It was a youtube video of SURROUNDED (FIGHT MY BATTLES) by Michael W. Smith.

With rare curiosity I watched the music video.

Those 18 repetitive words drove me to my knees. Those 18 repetitive words started scraping the glaze from my heart and eyes. The 18 repetitive words in this song has ignited a spark. For the first time in the past 34 months I am starting to sense an emotional response to worship!!

I may have lost the tangible opportunity to feel enthralled in my lover’s arms. To have love carry me away.

But, to start to come alive in response to the Spirit moving in my heart during worship is LIFE. LONG NEEDED LIFE!

Grateful. Deeply grateful, is what I am!

TRYING TO FIND Julia

January 26, 2018Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

blog quote On Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe. All while my head throbbed. Exhausting! At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness. I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy. They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace an alternative life, whatever that means.

I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.

Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.

But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.

Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.

But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me. What a powerless, even frightening, way to feel. But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

I must fight. To grow.

“Ok, God. H – E – L – P !!!!”

DECEMBER, beautiful POIGNANT December

December 13, 2017Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, widowhoodJulia Wasson

Four weeks back I had determined I’d walk the big malls and decorated streets in down town Portland. I was ready to enjoy new sights and sounds of Christmas in the air. Excited to try something new with my children. Simply put, I was ready to add a new tradition to the Holiday season. That is until I “bit the sidewalk” 4 weeks ago which has left me hobbling on crutches!

At 34 months, I’ve come to realize navigating the month of December is almost as difficult as the day of our wedding anniversary! Certainly more difficult than Loren’s birthday. Even more difficult than Valentine’s Day. I’ve always known I’m a person who’s easily triggered by memories.

Loren and Adeline sitting on the front row at Willamina Elementary Christmas Concert 2014 — **Grandpa Loren holding Adeline on the front row at his last Elementary Christmas Concert in 2014**

But Christmastime will forever be full of happy memories, with Loren remaining a part of those memories!

Our first “impromptu date” was while Christmas caroling in December 1977. I’d just briefly met him a month or two earlier yet he invited me to hop up into his pickup, to ride with him as we church carolers traveled to different homes in the McMinnville countryside. After singing we headed back to my parent’s farm for hot chocolate and snacks. It was that night I invited Loren to “the barn” to introduce him to my horses, to my favorite place to hang out. It was there we had a get-to-the-nuts-and-bolts conversation. We were both forthright people if we wanted something. We both saw something ~ someone(s) that we wanted. The month of December!

Throughout the course of our marriage I learned how the Christmas season held apprehension and unrest for him as a child, even as a teenager. As his wife, I did everything possible to facilitate situations where Loren would learn to experience the Christmas season with expectation, even happiness. I’m thankful he eventually found that feeling. He found the pleasures of Christmas.

For years we drove around enjoying the Christmas light displays in subdivisions. In December 2014 we had pulled our car over and parked along Main Street in Willamina. The snow was gently falling. We sat there a good 30 minutes while taking in the beauty of quiet Main Street with the plenteous Christmas lights strung across the avenue. Beautiful December. Full of love and peace.

Once we had built our log home in the woods, we annually trekked on our property and found the perfect tree to reside in our home. Cut down by Loren. Carried by Loren. Carefully and precisely mounted in its stand, by Loren. Full of expectation but all for our kids and grand kids who would come experience Christmas day with us.

Grandpa Loren and I baked Holiday sugar cookies with our granddaughters, Olivia and Adeline. Even if grandpa had worked the night before he’d still pull himself out of bed to come in the kitchen and cut the cookie dough with the cookie cutters. December. Wonderfully – smelling December. This tradition still continues.

Loren, all four children, along with the grandchildren attended every Elementary School Concert I was directing. The whole clan sat on the front row. I reveled in the support. This is the first year this has not happened because I requested to not teach music this year. A sad but necessary and wise decision, to take care of myself. December. A new season of change this December.

Before opening gifts, each year Loren sat the children and grandchildren down and read a new Christmas story! Through the years, he was the one who carefully shopped and selected that new hardback book to read each year. Sad December…and no one has yet wanted to OR tried to replace grandpa Loren’s role in reading a new Christmas story……..

But come Christmas the loud music will be roaring. The “dancing til we drop”, to Bee Gee’s music, will continue. The grandkids, grandma, and aunt Brenna (hopefully) laughing and twirling in circles will continue.

And more than anything I’m counting on still feeling his presence……

December. So full of memories. O, how I love you.

P.S. For the 1st time ever, this weekend I’m taking the grandkids to see THE NUTCRACKER.

TURNING CORNERS in the MAZE with “Ah Ha’s” and the APPROACHING Holidays

November 17, 2017attending funerals, Children, Death, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Tomorrow I have another funeral to attend. This time for a friend, my pastor who could preach an awesome sermon in 20 minutes! She was a lady who graced my life. Once a week we messaged each other on Facebook before she went to her evening yoga class. I admired her strength, courage, and example as a single, godly woman. As the Fire District’s Chaplain, she was the first person to arrive at my house while the EMT’s were working on Loren. She also spoke at Loren’s memori ab6d033eabbc51311c50231d495cfead al service.

There’s never a perfect time for death but the Holiday season makes it worse. I’m grateful my daughters and granddaughters will be seated beside me at her service. Because of Pastor Connie’s early-in-life passing, that ol’ enemy has rose its ugly head again. The ol’ enemy of death and sorrow.

Seems like I keep making my way back to the maze. Around, inside the maze of grief.

At 31 months I recognize I’ve turned one more corner in the maze. At this moment I’m thinking it’s not a friendly corner:

There never comes a solace or a fulfilling end when I am feeling deep loss and alone-ness. While married to Loren I could always count on a hug or a time of connection and intimacy ~ even if after a time of tension and disagreement. There always came a time for glorious touch and affirmation from the human being you shared your life with.

Not so in grief. There are times of relief, yet rarely that deep sense of peace and satisfaction feeling that the world is awesome. Feeling like I’m on top of the world.

I don’t find myself avoiding other’s fresh pain in their time of loss…however MY current challenge is to NOT LET MYSELF go into the deep valley alongside them. For I’m intently and purposefully climbing out of that familiar valley of the shadow of death and I cannot let myself return to the deepest crevice where I once stayed for a long time.

I’m learning it’s a difficult dance to care and grieve.

I also know I need to care for myself. I DID on Tuesday. After a late afternoon Dr appointment I didn’t rush back to attend Grief Share because I found myself at a new low spot with the Holidays here and Pastor Connie’s passing. You’d think being at Grief Share might’ve brought comfort. But I knew it wouldn’t. Being around other deep sadness might’ve been too much…tipping the balance scale.

So I went to Subway. On that cool, dark evening, I sat in a booth by myself and ate a roasted chicken sandwich. I watched people. I savored in the thankfulness that I had a warm house full of memories waiting for my arrival.

And, I then periodically sobbed torrential tears during my 45 minute drive from Salem to my haven.

When at home I snuggled in a blanket wearing Loren’s robe, seated in Loren’s lazy boy chair in our bedroom, watching our favorite shows we enjoyed watching together.

I survived that day but certainly didn’t thrive. And tomorrow appeared and I started over again, believing that day would be better. All while serving and trusting God.

THE GIFT OF WORK while BEING a SINGLE woman

November 7, 2017decision making, friendships, Grief, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

Multitudes of people seem to think the proverbial “Monday – Friday Work Week” is a prison… the unhappiest days of their week. You know, that part of their week that hinders them from doing what they’d REALLY like to be doing. To a degree that certainly was true when Loren was still here, especially our final 6 years together as empty – nesters. 2012 Christmas at my parents

Those final years I could hardly wait for the comforting nights we’d spend together in our own private retreat along with the exhilaration of planning our upcoming dreams and ventures. I’m now a single person without having that special person to go explore the world with or enjoy holing up with for the weekend.

I hate to admit my consistent thrill is returning to my job every Monday morning!

But, more than before, I have realized my job is a gift. WORK IS A GIFT! My additional business of 29 years, Julia Wasson Music Studios, continues to be a gift.

I am around a variety of adults. We converse as we pass in the hallways. We share life. In that setting.

I don’t have time to reflect that I am alone. Time to feel that extreme void. I have specific goals that I must attain each day, all which bring accomplishment.

I am daily around 500 children. I love children’s open hearts and expressions of joy and glee. Their periodic delighted outbursts are as an ointment soothing my cracked, partially healed wounds.

I have a place to go with a specific time of starting and ending. At my job I have that increment of time to focus my attention elsewhere……other than my home and property, which bears great comfort yet that blaring silence that daily announces Loren’s physical presence is absent.

I need the routine because I lost my 37 year life – routine with Loren. I shudder to think how difficult it may be when it comes my time to retire, as a single person. But, for now I dare not contemplate those years yet….growing old alone sounds like a sorrowful existence. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there….

Speaking of work….simply stated, I’m VERY BLESSED to have worked in a supportive environment for 19 years…a place that has given me allowance and space to grieve and grow thru grief.

She said, “JULIA, YOU CAN DO THIS!” and TRUSTING myself AGAIN

October 23, 2017Death, decision making, friendships, Grief, grief at 2 years, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in lifeJulia Wasson

30 months ago Vonda Ropp attended my husband’s Memorial Service. I’d seen her just two times since our High School years together at Western Mennonite. I was shocked to see her since she had traveled from Washington.

After the service Vonda stood in the long line waiting to speak to me. As I recall, she put each of her hands on my shoulders, looked me directly in the eyes and with conviction said, “Julia, you – can – do – this! Julia, you – can – do – this!”

At that moment those words bore little weight. I was enclosed in grief and family was surrounding me with extensive support. But those days of continuous support have ended. Understandably so.

I had never forgotten her words ~ somehow setting them up on a shelf, knowing I might desperately need them some day. Evidently that time has arrived! Vonda’s words are re-visiting me… ringing in my ears….. “Julia, you CAN DO this!” Very important words since the stress of grief has messed with my ability to function in full capacity: physically, emotionally, and cognitively.

Now, if Loren was here he’d be saying, “Julia, you think too much sometimes.” That’s easy for HIM to say since he doesn’t have a care in this world where he’s at! In fact, while Loren’s in Heaven he’s missing out on some of the BIGGEST ACTION that’s happened at the ranch since 2003!

The house’s 14 year old hydronic heating system manifold is suddenly not working properly.

The outside wood-fired furnace (which heats the water for the hydronic heating system) most likely has a water leak in the tank.

The all-cement-storage room in the basement has mild water damage because the ground surrounding the back exterior of the house became overladen with water because of the heavy rains….along with the fill dirt suddenly settling….all last winter.

Not to mention, four months after Loren passed, my well went dry!! After an extensive, orderly process towards diagnosis and after a lengthy wait in time I am hooked up to community water. With a neighbor’s advice and much research, I thankfully found a knowledgeable man to oversee that mammoth project.

Needing to address these varied situations without having my other half here to bounce ideas off of, has re-surfaced “traits” in me. Loren would’ve identified them as “Julia’s suspicious traits” because he found it easier to trust and give multiple people opportunity. Not so much me. I’d counted on my logic along with instincts. Cautiously and selectively choosing people whether it be friendships or doing business for hire.

WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH growing thru grief? To me….right now….EVERYTHING!

As a widow I’m all the more BELIEVING THERE may BE 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE OUT THERE:

(1) Good people who will treat you as if there was a knowledgeable man included in the equation.

(2) Not -so- great people who will take advantage of the single woman because they find out you’re not well – versed on specific issues.

(3) Good people who have patience and are willing to invest some effort in teaching me necessary skills…those things I didn’t take enough time to pay attention to when Loren was here with me on the ranch.

Without Loren it falls on me to assess:

Who are the competent business people? And where’s the balance….do I accept free help hoping a person can “get to the bottom of the problem”…or…go ahead and bite the bullet and hire that experienced person?

Are these people honest in their financial dealings?…with fair, honest prices without purposefully taking advantage of a single person?

Would any of these people or their employees be scoping my place for ill intent? (this is a BIG concern for me as a widow).

“So, God, with every seeming large financial decision I make, in every endeavor I approach, lead me and guide me. Help me learn to trust my inner voice since I am beginning to feel I can trust my instincts again. Help me to carefully make wise decisions in an organized way that will bring healthy, lasting results that bring no regret. Amen.”

P.S. I’m very grateful to Ken Eisele, Rod Propes, Don Kellum, and Gary Widrig for putting up with me while I learn my new skills!

P.S. And, Oh! in a surprising way I’m finding I love the thrill of orchestrating the repairs and projects!