Category Archives: Miscellaneous

FRIENDS and the WIDOW. Beliefs about Burial. CHAPTER 2.

attending funerals, Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and Burial Decisions
  • “WHAT?   You haven’t buried him in the ground yet?    That’s horrible!      He can’t rest in peace until you do!”
  • “You should’ve never cremated him!   What about the resurrection?”
  • “His spirit is restless because he hasn’t been laid to rest”.

Yes, these are exact quotes that casual friends, of different religions,  have said to me.

As a young Mennonite child it was common procedure going to multiples of funerals…even walking by open caskets of people I didn’t know (I hated that)!  As an adult musician, I professionally sang and played keyboard for multiples of funerals…being weekly hired by three prominent Funeral Homes in Salem, Oregon.  Being hired to provide a service to families in grief, I mostly was able to separate myself from the pain the families must’ve been feeling.  In addition, I sang at Loren’s parent’s Services and brother-in-law Max’s Memorial Service,  other Wasson family members,  3 of my grandparent’s Funerals, and my first cousin’s 16 year old sons Funeral, but even in that sadness,  things were different…………I hadn’t yet been the spouse sitting on that front row.

From day #1 of marrying Loren, he was VERY VOCAL about wanting to be cremated,  even though cremation was not yet common in the late ‘70’s.  He was known to say, “Caskets take up too much space in the ground, it’s ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on funerals, and I WON’T BE THERE ANYWAYS BECAUSE I’LL ALREADY BE HOME”.

Now, at that time, I did NOT agree with him regarding cremation!!  I’d immediately respond, “You’d better put your wishes in writing because I’m not sure I can cremate you”.  However, many years later I watched a descriptive four – hour documentary on Funeral Home Procedures.  It was then, I immediately assured Loren I’d respect his wishes.

I’ve come-to-the-conclusion that whether it be  cremation, boxes or beautiful urns, cheap caskets, expensive caskets, open caskets, closed caskets, vaults, burial in the ground, burial in a wall.…. the majority of decisions are based on one of these five:  preference, honor of the loved ones wishes, tradition, religion or finances.

I have no regrets.  I DID THE RIGHT THING!  I’ll go a step further and say I HONORED HIM.  I honored Loren in life AND in death.

That dreadful, shock-filled morning, after the coroner and fire chief were leaving our home,  my children,  along with my brother Galen and my mother,  Loren’s sisters Joyce and Janet,  close friend Carole, and friend and Chaplain, Pastor Connie,  had all gathered to be with me…..we had our 5 hours with Loren in the house before the mortuary workers took his body away.  Even though I was in deep shock, I clearly understood this would be the last time I’d see my love.  I held on to him…. laid close beside him on the hardwood floor.  But as his body no longer felt normal it was time to let him go.  Nature was taking its course…..and I couldn’t reverse time…..

The day we went to the mortuary to pick up Loren’s ashes  my three daughters and I still spoke our relief that we had not had to choose a casket, burial clothes or pallbearers when making arrangements for his Memorial Service.

To this date Loren’s ashes are in a special place in my home.   I’m drawing closer to the thought of burying a portion of the ashes  in our-already-purchased-plot in the cemetery.   At that time, I’ll have a private gathering of close friends and family as we commit his remains  to the  ground under Loren and Julia’s joint headstone that I’ll have had made.  One of our daughters is looking forward to having  a place to take flowers to…for a time of private remembrance.

But,  IT’S NOT TIME…..from the very beginning, my kids and I have discussed doing one or some of the following:

#1.  Divide the ashes.  Put them into lockets.  #2.  Divide the ashes.  Make hand-blown glassware with them.  #3.  To honor Loren’s wishes,  make ammunition with some of his ashes and then shoot them out of his gun (for years, he’d made it clear he’d want this done with his ashes)!

AND,  if he knows what we are doing he’ll be grinning that huge grin from ear to ear.   😊

…but somehow I think my kids and I are acutely aware that taking this next step may bring more sorrow than we’d hope to face, again.  As far as following through with our ideas, we’ve agreed that it’ll be Jasmine and I who will divide the ashes……and YES!…at this  moment I’m pondering if I would’ve regretted having buried all of his ashes immediately after his passing…. you know, there’s something to be said about making life “easier”. 

I’m LiVing in 3 WoRLds and Will I Ever FIT IN?

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

Today at 4 years and 1  1/2 months out,  I alarmingly realized I am living in 3 worlds and haven’t yet accomplished living in “one” world.  Will I ever?  Am I even supposed to?

The “3 Worlds” that I find myself floating between, beside, under, above or IN are:

  • “THE PAST” that I lived with Loren.
  • “THE PRESENT” which I didn’t choose or hope for.
  • “THE FUTURE” with one foot (my heart) in Heaven and still “THE FUTURE”… continuing on as I am…as a widow.   Other than enjoying the consistency of my job for the Willamina School District and teaching my private piano and private voice students,  I often feel   I.   DON’T.   FIT.   IN. 

    1.  As  a single person I struggle to fit in at church.  Who does a person sit with?  Does every other single person hate arriving and leaving by themselves?  Does every other single person hate the unknown plans after leaving church, whether they will be eating by themselves or with family or friends?  And then, am I the only person who can HARDLY  WAIT to get home after that? …to that place that feels most comfortable, where I can control my  “internal peace meter”.

    2. Because of extenuating circumstances I no longer have the privilege of serving on a worship team…the one place, since I was in my teens, where I flourished and felt revived.  I no longer have that one free night a week to drive and dedicate those hours of rehearsal.  And now, these few years of crying uncountable tears has basically thrashed the once-controlled-voice.

3.  Even though all of my adult children (and spouses)  are simply wonderful to me, sometimes I still feel like  I.  DO.  NOT.  FIT.  IN.   It’s a quandry where I often feel torn:

  • Feeling disgusted at myself that I even notice  how I feel, telling myself that I should be highly grateful to see my children being happy, that they are  even wanting to spend time with me.
  • Feeling grateful that somehow Loren’s death has meaningfully strengthened familial relationships and our adoration toward each other.
  • Feeling deliberate to put that smile on my face and do my best to join in the current festivity because I am all too aware I will be returning to my silent abode.
  • Feeling happy to be with my family yet sometimes feeling dreadfully alone with them.

Can I just become Superman and unwind my life back to 4 years and 1  1/2 months ago?…  but that doesn’t seem quite right to be selfish…to go back in time, assuming I had the power to change the course of events…to do that would mean my incredible grandson Lincoln would never have been born….that my two glorious son-in-laws may not be part of our family….which would mean 3 of my 4 children may not be where THEY are at today (with the “happiness meter”, I mean).

I now see, this blog has been very therapeutic.  Yes, for the ultimate good of everyone I believe I must target more contentment….that is,  choosing to somehow thrive in the world I am now placed in, even if I never feel like I’m living in “one world”.

 

 

 

I. DON’T. WANT. TO. RE-START. MY. LIFE!

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Doing it God's way, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

I’ve been on two awkward “let’s-meet-on-a-specific-date-at-a-specific-time-at-a-specific-place”.  They were supposed to be friends catching up.  Granted, it felt good for someone(s)….whom I already knew… to pay attention to me.  But, I immediately  felt miserable.   I felt as if I was playing a game.  This was fun when I was 19.  Let’s face it.  I am too old to play games.  And the hardcore truths are, “My heart is  still ‘twitterpated’ for my deceased husband” and “I don’t believe I’ll ever get over him”.

                                                A few weeks back I had an ah-ha confirmation!

                                            I.  DON’T.   WANT.  TO.  RE-START.   MY.  LIFE!  

But you need to know, there is this VERY REAL spoken AND unspoken expectation that I should NEED to “move on”….to “start over”…as if there is something WRONG with a widow who doesn’t!!

The vivid alone-ness, and, yes, very much missing all of the perks of marriage,  is NOT propelling me towards the pursuit of finding another….

Instead, I’m discovering I’m finding “my own new life” in the EXACT place where I experienced a full, meaningful life with Loren:

  • Sleeping in our four-poster bed, the exact bed we slept in for 37 years.
  • Sitting in his oversized leather chair and driving his commuter car to work.
  • Working at his oversized desk, now moved into a different room and re-arranged in the way I need it to be.
  • Enjoying the house we designed and built. Still admiring and protecting the cedar logs he cut and milled for those seven years.  Appreciating the floors that he milled and laid.  I pass through the doorways and look through the windows and their beautiful trim that he milled and mounted.  I sit and look upward at those amazing purlins and tongue and groove ceilings that he milled…those beautiful cedar decks he milled.
  • I view  the out-buildings that I designed…that he then cut and milled the lumber before he built.  What a gifted, hardworking man (there’s very few men like him)!
  • Everything on this land revolves around memories. Fun times and very difficult times but those honest memories represent the 23 years of being good stewards of the land God had allowed us to own/manage together.
  • I’d be a fool to leave!  Together, we pioneered this place from the ground up  (and the truth is I also am not ready to grieve one more time…….). 

I’m going to forge ahead, continue on, and make progress.  I am stronger.  I am gaining self-confidence.  I’ve ‘got’ God, my gun, and my family and I’m not afraid to live by my self.  I now see,  I am growing thru grief!

 

“My dad WAS SUPPOSED TO walk me down the aisle” (Brenna’s heartache)

Children, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

                                                                                                    FOUR YEARS

After I saw my dad I vividly remember the words that spilled out of my mouth through tears:  “Who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?”“  I wasn’t engaged.  I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I hadn’t even MET my future husband!  But I knew that the most important man in my life for the past 24 years was going to miss one of the most important days of my life.  He was going to miss one of the most significant roles a father can play for his daughters.

In a sense, I think I dreaded my future wedding day since the day he died.   He was supposed to be there.  He was supposed to  hold my hand as he walked me down the aisle.  He was supposed to give me away.  He was supposed to cry while doing it all – and for those of you who knew him, you know that those tears would have been running down his face.  He was supposed to dance with me to Tony Bennett singing, “The Way You Look Tonight”. He was supposed  to give me one of his enveloping hugs as I was whisked away with my new husband.  He was supposed to…. but death took that all away from me….it took it away from BOTH of us.

Nine and a half months ago that “dreaded” wedding day came.  Although his physical body wasn’t present, I knew my dad was there.  I felt him.

He was there in the front row where the quilt made out of his shirts sat, saving his seat.  He was there in the boutonniere pinned on that quilt where his Winco shirt read, “Loren”, right next to our picture.  He was there in his handwriting on my tattoo.  He was there in my mom as she walked me down the aisle and gave me away with the words, “Her father and I”.  He was there during the ceremony as I told Eugene how much my dad would have loved him for loving me so well.  He was there.  I know it….and I believe everyone who was at my wedding, who knew my dad, knows it as well.

I think someday, when I am reunited with my dad in heaven, we will talk about my wedding.  We will talk about how much we BOTH loved that day!

He may no longer be here in the flesh but I believe he is not missing out on everything.  He is still with us.

That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve.  OH, how we continue to grieve!  I miss my dad.  I never knew I could miss someone so much.  My heart aches to see him again, to talk with him again, to hug him again.  I long for my husband to know my dad and for my dad to know my husband.  I long the same for our future babies.

One of the last pictures of Brenna and her dad together. December 2014.

My nephew, Lincoln, was born 3 ½ months after my dad died.  But he knows his “Papa Loren”.  He talks about him often.  He points him out in pictures.  He prays for him.  He asks to visit him.  He loves his Papa and he knows that he is loved by him.

I am sad that my future babies won’t be held by their “Papa Loren”.  But I don’t have to dread their births as I dreaded my wedding day.  They may not experience his love in person, but they will know his love just as my nephew Lincoln does. I am confident of this because as history has shown,  although my dad is no longer with us on this earth, he is still here!

                                                                                                                         FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING.

 

FRIENDS of the WIDOW. The HARD QUESTIONS. CHAPTER 1.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Friendships

My married friends (couples Loren and I were friends with) have impacted my life since Loren’s passing. The majority have been with me through thick and thin.  It’s true, periodically  I feel like I am the odd man out.  It’s possible I’ll always feel that.

Last Saturday one of Loren’s best friends  teared up when he randomly mentioned, “Now TWO of my best friends have up and died on me.”  It touched my heart deeply to see how Dan still misses Loren.

I gratefully recognize I have not found a level of betrayal some widows feel  they experience, that is, where “couple friends”, and sometimes the deceased spouse’s own family,  no longer associate with the living spouse who is left behind after a death.

BUT IN ALL HONESTY, I DID initially notice a layer of hesitancy..withdrawal..especially from two of the wives.   I believe it was because I GRIEVED SO HARD for the first three years.  In retrospect I WONDER:

1.     DID THE FRIENDS FEEL HELPLESS?

  • Did they feel uncomfortable when I suddenly broke down and sobbed?
  • Did I seem like a stranger?
  • Were the dynamics of the relationship suddenly changed?
  • Did they understand I didn’t know what would help me? Were they frustrated because they couldn’t fix it?
  • Did they sense I was uncomfortable in all social settings? (however, I DID love visiting with a husband/wife when they came to visit me in my home).

2. DID THE FRIENDS BECOME FEARFUL OF LOSING THEIR OWN SPOUSE?

  • Did being around me force them to acknowledge what they may go through?
  • Did it force them to look at the other part of their marriage vows, “Til death do us part”?
  • Did my heavy grief cause them to feel overwhelmed?

3.   WERE “BIG UNCOMFORTABLE” QUESTIONS SURFACING BECAUSE A MARRIED PEER  PASSED BEFORE THEY WERE “OLD”? 

(Some of the questions might be):

  • Should I be the one to die first, would my spouse, children, and grandchildren stop missing me and no longer talk about me?
  • Would they deeply mourn my death?
  • Would they get rid of my things and make “me disappear” to hopefully ease their pain?
  • Would my spouse remarry and how soon?
  • Would my parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews tell stories about me and not be afraid to mention my name at family gatherings? Even years later?
  • Would people do something meaningful on a given day of each year to remember me and honor me, how I had lived and dwelt with them?

I DO know I’ve been blessed to have positive reinforcement from my tribe!  I’ve been told:

  • “I’ve been comforted seeing how deeply you have continued to love Loren”.
  • “I’m pleased you haven’t tried to find someone else to fill the dark void”.
  • “Loren would be so proud how you’ve handled things”.
  • “Loren would be so proud of the good decisions you’ve made in business matters”.
  • “Even though we miss him we haven’t lost you”.
  • “You know, he still loves you.”

☹ …choke…sob….NOW the tears are surprisingly flowing….gkg..uhmmmmm….. but, I surely must say, “God, THANK YOU 😊 for my faithful friends who have not been afraid to remain in my life”.

 

I Need PEACE more than HAPPINESS

Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Peace should be enough

The 2018 Christmas season was the most difficult, by far.  You’d think my 4th Christmas Season  without Loren would’ve been “happier” as far as enjoying the preparation for the Holiday.  I made honest efforts.  Another factor in the mix: this is my 2nd season of not directing K-6 Christmas Concerts and my private student’s Christmas Recital. Even though I enjoy the lowered stress I very much miss performing with students.

IN MY GROWING-UP-YEARS my happy Christmases were filled with:

  • Going to the Rickreall Christmas pageant and being enamored with the live animals and live baby Jesus.
  • Santa Claus surprising we Elementary kids at our small Country Schoolhouse, he passing out bags of candy and oranges.
  • Christmas parties.  Christmas Caroling.
  • Watching my mom bake and prepare Christmas goodie platters to share with the neighbors.
  • Me sitting near the tree for hours in the evening with the lights dimmed… rocking while entranced with the sparkling colors on the Christmas tree.
  • Receiving modest gifts, but always one special toy and a pair of new pajamas.
  • Delighting in the magical times at Grandpa and Grandma Kropf’s house.
  • Eating Grandma Kropf’s homemade candies and banana cream pies with the flaky buttery crusts.
  • Eating roasted Duck and ice cream pie on  New Year’s Day at Grandpa and Grandma Gingerich’s home.

By the 1977 Christmas season I was dating Loren. By the 1978 Christmas season I was married to Loren.  We continued many of the traditions.   I continued singing but now in much larger Christmas presentations and eventually started hosting Christmas piano and voice recitals in our log home.  To top it off, our children and the excitement of  our “he & I” celebrations brought much excitement to my life.

But now….things….are….SOOOO…different.   I, my children and grandchildren had desperately tried to keep Christmas-as-we-knew-in-our-family going.

After 5 days of sudden, unexpected deep sorrow and literal physical pain last month, on December 15th I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION!!

This permission was not martyrdom. Not fatalism.  Not “depression speaking”.  Instead I believe it was wisdom.  Acceptance.  Willingness to “let go of MY NEED to experience that ADRENALINE RUSH”… that- for-the-majority-of-my-life I had enjoyed…. that build-up and then the peak of multiple performances and festivities in December.

I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION:

  • To no longer “expect AND need to be happy” at Christmas time.
  • To be “just OK” during the Christmas season.
  • To begin to appreciate “bareness”….the lack of stimulation and multitudes of ideas and activities during the season.
  • To lower MY expectations of MY responsibilities to make my children and grandchildren happy (Brenna & Eugene did a beautiful job of hosting our family celebration on Christmas Day. Thank you for asking to host, Brenna! I also cancelled the Christmas baking tradition).

Society tells us we NEED to be HAPPY!  Happiness, even joy, are not paramount!

However, if I HAD to CHOOSE between peace or happiness I’d choose peace!  The deep tranquil peace.

P.S.  It is very possible that my increased pain was because this was my dads 1st Christmas in Heaven….just one more empty chair at the table….one less voice….and one less laugh to hear.

P.S.S.  Two days after Christmas I expedited a-change-of-course and flew to Florida to be with my brother and his family.  Being proactive brought me happiness and I, again, discovered it is healthy for me to experience new surroundings periodically.

 

 

THE LaST DAy of THis YEAR

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Gosh, O my, “drives me crazy with some of these errors” but I still love this quote! I SO believe it!

THIS YEAR…on THIS DAY…I’ve been proactive. See, after Christmas Day, I left on an airplane……just one more thing I may have never done if Loren was here.

I’m sitting by a pool in Florida,  at an Air B & B, in a resort.  I’m surrounded by my brother Dennis & my sister (his wife) Linda, (nephew) Chad & Lisa, (nephew) Cheritt  & Kelly, Jonathan & (niece) Charissa and the “lovelies” (Dennis’s  five adorable grandchildren).

I LOVE THE GOOD CONVERSATION!  I’ve never loved frivolous surface talk.  I prefer candid heart-to-heart dialogue.  I’m enjoying getting to know my nieces and nephews as adults who are in their late 30’s to early 40’s.  To have this snippet of time to share life with them (and their families) will forever be cherished!

It’s been interesting observing the family dynamics amongst  Dennis’s family.  I smile because numerous times, since Loren passed, I have caught myself sitting back at my gatherings considering the changes that are occurring in my kids and grandkids.   Most of the changes are pleasing yet a low level of sadness hints at the heightened exchanges  amongst my children and I.  This improved respect and adoration should not be a poor reflection of Loren as much as our wakened attentiveness to the frailty of human life and the increasing desire to treasure our time together.

So, THIS LAST DAY of  THIS YEAR   brings hope and encouragement (along with the great anticipation of going to a Medieval Jousting Performance / Meal tonight.  Check.  One more thing off of my bucket list)!

THIS LAST DAY of 2018 BRINGS HOPE:

  • Trusting each Holiday Season will bring SHORTER episodes of deep longing with pain.
  • That I will keep giving myself MORE permission to try new things.
  • That I will trust that I can learn to FIND enjoyment in more settings.
  •  That I will continue being MORE comfortable in more situations.

AND.. this year I’m not home alone, for which I am very thankful!

May each of us have a  Blessed New Year (note, I don’t need a Happy New Year…I need a Blessed Year from God above)!

P.S.  THANK YOU (brother) Galen for strongly encouraging me to venture out and go.  THANK YOU mom & dad (last spring before my dad passed) for encouraging me to not stay home the 2018 Christmas Break (they knew how painful the 2017 Season was)… Thank you, my dear children, for holding down the fort…I love all of you!

The last P.S.  You need to know I would NEVER expect my adult children to include me in their New Year’s Eve plans!  I want my kids to WANT to be with me vs them feeling OBLIGATED to include me.  They need to live life to the fullest as Loren and I did at their ages. 

 

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!  

 

20 Reasons to Never Re-Marry, ETC

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Humor in widowhood, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous

 

Even though the person who created this quote made a typo, I love this!

Many might say I have a sick sense of humor.  The truth is, Loren and I shared the same sense of humor.    Should I have passed first you can bet Loren would’ve came up with the 20 reasons about me.  Ha.  Fact.

At 3 years and 7 months out, I’m learning to look at life through new lenses.

Ah, the things I did for love and the things I did begrudgingly, as his help meet.

 

 

THUS, MY 20 REASONS WHY TO NEVER RE-MARRY!

1)   Never again must I need to wipe small splats of urine off the toilet rim.

2)  Never again must I need to bake chocolate chip cookies weekly.

3)  Never again must I need to be sure his Winco work shirts are perfectly clean.

4)  Never again must I need to perfectly match his socks.

5)  Never again must I make an emergency trip to the pharmacy to pick up his RX (that he was supposed to pick up the day before).

6)  Never again must I pick up toenail clippings that accidently missed the garbage can.

7)  Never again must I pick up a wadded piece of paper that didn’t hit the target.

8)  Never again must I sweep sawdust falling from the blue jeans and suspenders he had been wearing when outside cutting firewood.

9) Never again must I help a man who had side line businesses that include the wife helping him 5 – 10 hours each weekend.

10)  Never again must I tell him to get off Facebook during a “too-long” sermon at church.

11)  Never again must I ask him to stop playing his solitaire game when I wanted good conversation (while I was driving the Challenger on a Friday date night).

12)  Never again must I need to ask him what he’s thinking if he’s unusually quiet.

13)  Never again must I massage his back and shoulders until my arms and hands ache.

14)  Never again ………… wait a minute.  STOP!  I QUIT!

The truth is this fun little blog has suddenly become very sad.  Hot tears are now flowing.  I’d give anything to have our life back.

Want some wise advice?

  • Hang on tight to your loved one tonight.
  • Kiss him hard (no light pecks here and there).
  • Hug him tightly (none of those light pats on the back).
  • With your spouse, make love fervently.
  • Get caught up in the moment like it’s your last time (no half-hearted stuff here).

And, please don’t think I was his slave OR married to a lazy man.  On the contrary!  He worked 60 – 70 hours a week for Winco and then busted his tail for pleasure along with the projects we enjoyed.  As he slowed down towards his upcoming retirement, Loren did multiple little things for me.  We were having the time of our lives, lovin’ and playing hard those final 7 years.  No regrets!

P.S.      Yes, it’s true that I’m learning how to enjoy life in the present but I’d readily re-marry Loren again.

To Wear Or NOT To Wear OR Keep

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Fighting to grow, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Wearing Wedding Rings

After driving a long day off the Dayton Bar along the Willamette River,  as I jumped down from my brand new 1979 White Western Star dump truck, my double banded diamond wedding ring became caught near the exterior mirror twisting both the gold wedding and engagement bands, so much that the bands had to be cut off my 4th finger.

After tearing the skin and bruising the now-swollen-finger, from that day forward if Loren and I worked outside around equipment we never wore our wedding bands.  I hated not wearing my wedding rings but I knew it was a necessity because of people who had lost their fingers in accidents around equipment.

Because Loren never wore his wedding ring while delivering groceries for Winco, it was a running joke when he’d put his wedding ring back on, saying, “Well, I guess I’m married today”.  Or better yet, when we were leaving to go on a date we’d jokingly say, “Should we wear our rings tonight and be married?”

Well, as of six months ago, I randomly started not wearing my wedding ring.   Uhmmmm.  Decisions. …..To wear or NOT to wear? 

I had decided to test the waters and see if my grief lessened when not wearing the symbolic circle of commitment and trust.

Other than the initial feelings of emptiness, other than noticing some people (STILL!!) look at my hand and notice that I am (or NOT) wearing my wedding ring, I can attest that neither wearing or removing my wedding ring lessens or increases the loss.  Wearing or not wearing my wedding ring does not change my love for Loren.

I might add, HIS “THINGS” ARE VALUABLE to me.  Last Christmas his shirts were made into quilts for our four children and six grandchildren and became loving personalized gifts.  I’m continually trying to think of ways I can use “his things” as functional memories.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM!  He was a  “sentimental fool”.  For example,  in the shop sits a few logging paraphernalia his deceased father once used.   When cleaning out the shop a year before he passed, Loren had told Jasmine and I, “I can’t get rid of this.  I JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THIS!”

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about so many of his “things”.  Other than gifting a few things to Loren’s two best friends, Marv and Dan, I carefully-with-much-caution decide if I should get rid of “it”.  I also wonder if some day in the future Loren’s things may become more valuable in sentiment to our children..?…

For me, I have discovered things are not replaceable when memories are attached!!

The rings?  Priceless.

These rings will always hold cherished symbolism.  Whether they sit on the counter or are proudly carried on my finger I can’t imagine ever losing the proud, loving sense of connection.

With his and my rings there is no “til death do us part”.  Death may have forced me to physically part from Loren.  But death can’t steal memories and death can’t stop things from being valued.