Category Archives: Peace should be enough

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.

WE don’t GRIEVE as Others DO and WE don’t DATE as Others DO

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Doing it God's way, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, Peace should be enough

On January 16th this unexpected, unanticipated emphatic phrase RESOUNDED in me…

“WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHERS DO AND WE DON’T DATE AS OTHERS DO”.

The context of the resounding statement came mere hours after telling Mary about an acquaintance of Loren & I… about my heart surprisingly battling with the rationale of this man after he contacted me (again), telling me that I “NEED TO HAVE FUN”….this time, he inviting me to meet him for dinner.  Me, of course, feeling flattered that he is contacting me.  Me IMMEDIATELY recalling how (a few years before Loren passed) Loren had hesitated and said, “I…don’t…know…I’m… not sure… about that” (after I had commented to Loren how this same work associate of his was SUCH a nice man).

Those words that came from Loren’s mouth that day have been re-playing through my mind!   Even though his response to my comment happened six years ago, I am 100% sure I am  to listen and take heed.

See, I’ve been recalling how Loren had insight in areas where I did not…whereas I  had insight in areas HE did not!  O, I miss this gift.  The gift of balance. The gift of a lengthy seasoned marriage where time does its magic…blending and mixing…where the two know each other better than any other live person on earth.

TWO INCIDENCES OF LOREN’S PERCEPTIONS COME TO MIND: 

  • When a lady I was mentoring was slowly wearing me down because I hadn’t kept solid boundaries in time management and/or bringing her struggles into my daily life. He was right.  I had not been diligent.  And it was affecting me… greatly.
  • When a person, who was not supporting my leadership, had a hidden agenda. He was right.  Not suspicious.  He saw clearly through the smoke.

It’s in THESE types of possible future scenarios where I fear I’ll be a “fish out of water”.

Back to dating and the poor decisions people can make….. let’s just put it this way……      “it never ceases to amaze me some of the ridiculous, desperate actions that I’ve personally witnessed other grieving people do”.

By close observation, their stories prove to have consequences most people wouldn’t wish for.  It appears their distress is now greater than mine because of the varied complications heaped upon the great loss that was first there!

And the “WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHER’S DO?” Undeniably, I have grieved hard.  I lost my  man whom I counted on growing old with.  And just because I believe in Heaven and have a sincere relationship with God doesn’t mean I would bypass the distress.   I have an acute awareness of  sorrow that rests beneath the surface…….and will most likely until the day I die.

I guess the one way I haven’t “grieved as others do” is by

  •  being very selective with who my close friends are
  • I “guard my heart” (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally)
  • I  protect myself (spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically)
  • all- the- while understanding that  uncontrolled grief can cause people to do careless things they would’ve never dreamed they’d do!

And, the best thing of all?    In the far, far distance I know how my love story will end!!

P.S.  O, the guy?  I declined the invitation.  Again.  (because, it’s simple… I can read the monumental sign on his forehead that says, “I. CREATE. DRAMA”).

I Need PEACE more than HAPPINESS

Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Peace should be enough

The 2018 Christmas season was the most difficult, by far.  You’d think my 4th Christmas Season  without Loren would’ve been “happier” as far as enjoying the preparation for the Holiday.  I made honest efforts.  Another factor in the mix: this is my 2nd season of not directing K-6 Christmas Concerts and my private student’s Christmas Recital. Even though I enjoy the lowered stress I very much miss performing with students.

IN MY GROWING-UP-YEARS my happy Christmases were filled with:

  • Going to the Rickreall Christmas pageant and being enamored with the live animals and live baby Jesus.
  • Santa Claus surprising we Elementary kids at our small Country Schoolhouse, he passing out bags of candy and oranges.
  • Christmas parties.  Christmas Caroling.
  • Watching my mom bake and prepare Christmas goodie platters to share with the neighbors.
  • Me sitting near the tree for hours in the evening with the lights dimmed… rocking while entranced with the sparkling colors on the Christmas tree.
  • Receiving modest gifts, but always one special toy and a pair of new pajamas.
  • Delighting in the magical times at Grandpa and Grandma Kropf’s house.
  • Eating Grandma Kropf’s homemade candies and banana cream pies with the flaky buttery crusts.
  • Eating roasted Duck and ice cream pie on  New Year’s Day at Grandpa and Grandma Gingerich’s home.

By the 1977 Christmas season I was dating Loren. By the 1978 Christmas season I was married to Loren.  We continued many of the traditions.   I continued singing but now in much larger Christmas presentations and eventually started hosting Christmas piano and voice recitals in our log home.  To top it off, our children and the excitement of  our “he & I” celebrations brought much excitement to my life.

But now….things….are….SOOOO…different.   I, my children and grandchildren had desperately tried to keep Christmas-as-we-knew-in-our-family going.

After 5 days of sudden, unexpected deep sorrow and literal physical pain last month, on December 15th I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION!!

This permission was not martyrdom. Not fatalism.  Not “depression speaking”.  Instead I believe it was wisdom.  Acceptance.  Willingness to “let go of MY NEED to experience that ADRENALINE RUSH”… that- for-the-majority-of-my-life I had enjoyed…. that build-up and then the peak of multiple performances and festivities in December.

I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION:

  • To no longer “expect AND need to be happy” at Christmas time.
  • To be “just OK” during the Christmas season.
  • To begin to appreciate “bareness”….the lack of stimulation and multitudes of ideas and activities during the season.
  • To lower MY expectations of MY responsibilities to make my children and grandchildren happy (Brenna & Eugene did a beautiful job of hosting our family celebration on Christmas Day. Thank you for asking to host, Brenna! I also cancelled the Christmas baking tradition).

Society tells us we NEED to be HAPPY!  Happiness, even joy, are not paramount!

However, if I HAD to CHOOSE between peace or happiness I’d choose peace!  The deep tranquil peace.

P.S.  It is very possible that my increased pain was because this was my dads 1st Christmas in Heaven….just one more empty chair at the table….one less voice….and one less laugh to hear.

P.S.S.  Two days after Christmas I expedited a-change-of-course and flew to Florida to be with my brother and his family.  Being proactive brought me happiness and I, again, discovered it is healthy for me to experience new surroundings periodically.