Category Archives: loving your deceased spouse

FRIENDS and the WIDOW. Beliefs about Burial. CHAPTER 2.

attending funerals, Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and Burial Decisions
  • “WHAT?   You haven’t buried him in the ground yet?    That’s horrible!      He can’t rest in peace until you do!”
  • “You should’ve never cremated him!   What about the resurrection?”
  • “His spirit is restless because he hasn’t been laid to rest”.

Yes, these are exact quotes that casual friends, of different religions,  have said to me.

As a young Mennonite child it was common procedure going to multiples of funerals…even walking by open caskets of people I didn’t know (I hated that)!  As an adult musician, I professionally sang and played keyboard for multiples of funerals…being weekly hired by three prominent Funeral Homes in Salem, Oregon.  Being hired to provide a service to families in grief, I mostly was able to separate myself from the pain the families must’ve been feeling.  In addition, I sang at Loren’s parent’s Services and brother-in-law Max’s Memorial Service,  other Wasson family members,  3 of my grandparent’s Funerals, and my first cousin’s 16 year old sons Funeral, but even in that sadness,  things were different…………I hadn’t yet been the spouse sitting on that front row.

From day #1 of marrying Loren, he was VERY VOCAL about wanting to be cremated,  even though cremation was not yet common in the late ‘70’s.  He was known to say, “Caskets take up too much space in the ground, it’s ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on funerals, and I WON’T BE THERE ANYWAYS BECAUSE I’LL ALREADY BE HOME”.

Now, at that time, I did NOT agree with him regarding cremation!!  I’d immediately respond, “You’d better put your wishes in writing because I’m not sure I can cremate you”.  However, many years later I watched a descriptive four – hour documentary on Funeral Home Procedures.  It was then, I immediately assured Loren I’d respect his wishes.

I’ve come-to-the-conclusion that whether it be  cremation, boxes or beautiful urns, cheap caskets, expensive caskets, open caskets, closed caskets, vaults, burial in the ground, burial in a wall.…. the majority of decisions are based on one of these five:  preference, honor of the loved ones wishes, tradition, religion or finances.

I have no regrets.  I DID THE RIGHT THING!  I’ll go a step further and say I HONORED HIM.  I honored Loren in life AND in death.

That dreadful, shock-filled morning, after the coroner and fire chief were leaving our home,  my children,  along with my brother Galen and my mother,  Loren’s sisters Joyce and Janet,  close friend Carole, and friend and Chaplain, Pastor Connie,  had all gathered to be with me…..we had our 5 hours with Loren in the house before the mortuary workers took his body away.  Even though I was in deep shock, I clearly understood this would be the last time I’d see my love.  I held on to him…. laid close beside him on the hardwood floor.  But as his body no longer felt normal it was time to let him go.  Nature was taking its course…..and I couldn’t reverse time…..

The day we went to the mortuary to pick up Loren’s ashes  my three daughters and I still spoke our relief that we had not had to choose a casket, burial clothes or pallbearers when making arrangements for his Memorial Service.

To this date Loren’s ashes are in a special place in my home.   I’m drawing closer to the thought of burying a portion of the ashes  in our-already-purchased-plot in the cemetery.   At that time, I’ll have a private gathering of close friends and family as we commit his remains  to the  ground under Loren and Julia’s joint headstone that I’ll have had made.  One of our daughters is looking forward to having  a place to take flowers to…for a time of private remembrance.

But,  IT’S NOT TIME…..from the very beginning, my kids and I have discussed doing one or some of the following:

#1.  Divide the ashes.  Put them into lockets.  #2.  Divide the ashes.  Make hand-blown glassware with them.  #3.  To honor Loren’s wishes,  make ammunition with some of his ashes and then shoot them out of his gun (for years, he’d made it clear he’d want this done with his ashes)!

AND,  if he knows what we are doing he’ll be grinning that huge grin from ear to ear.   😊

…but somehow I think my kids and I are acutely aware that taking this next step may bring more sorrow than we’d hope to face, again.  As far as following through with our ideas, we’ve agreed that it’ll be Jasmine and I who will divide the ashes……and YES!…at this  moment I’m pondering if I would’ve regretted having buried all of his ashes immediately after his passing…. you know, there’s something to be said about making life “easier”. 

I. DON’T. WANT. TO. RE-START. MY. LIFE!

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Doing it God's way, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

I’ve been on two awkward “let’s-meet-on-a-specific-date-at-a-specific-time-at-a-specific-place”.  They were supposed to be friends catching up.  Granted, it felt good for someone(s)….whom I already knew… to pay attention to me.  But, I immediately  felt miserable.   I felt as if I was playing a game.  This was fun when I was 19.  Let’s face it.  I am too old to play games.  And the hardcore truths are, “My heart is  still ‘twitterpated’ for my deceased husband” and “I don’t believe I’ll ever get over him”.

                                                A few weeks back I had an ah-ha confirmation!

                                            I.  DON’T.   WANT.  TO.  RE-START.   MY.  LIFE!  

But you need to know, there is this VERY REAL spoken AND unspoken expectation that I should NEED to “move on”….to “start over”…as if there is something WRONG with a widow who doesn’t!!

The vivid alone-ness, and, yes, very much missing all of the perks of marriage,  is NOT propelling me towards the pursuit of finding another….

Instead, I’m discovering I’m finding “my own new life” in the EXACT place where I experienced a full, meaningful life with Loren:

  • Sleeping in our four-poster bed, the exact bed we slept in for 37 years.
  • Sitting in his oversized leather chair and driving his commuter car to work.
  • Working at his oversized desk, now moved into a different room and re-arranged in the way I need it to be.
  • Enjoying the house we designed and built. Still admiring and protecting the cedar logs he cut and milled for those seven years.  Appreciating the floors that he milled and laid.  I pass through the doorways and look through the windows and their beautiful trim that he milled and mounted.  I sit and look upward at those amazing purlins and tongue and groove ceilings that he milled…those beautiful cedar decks he milled.
  • I view  the out-buildings that I designed…that he then cut and milled the lumber before he built.  What a gifted, hardworking man (there’s very few men like him)!
  • Everything on this land revolves around memories. Fun times and very difficult times but those honest memories represent the 23 years of being good stewards of the land God had allowed us to own/manage together.
  • I’d be a fool to leave!  Together, we pioneered this place from the ground up  (and the truth is I also am not ready to grieve one more time…….). 

I’m going to forge ahead, continue on, and make progress.  I am stronger.  I am gaining self-confidence.  I’ve ‘got’ God, my gun, and my family and I’m not afraid to live by my self.  I now see,  I am growing thru grief!

 

20 Reasons to Never Re-Marry, ETC

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Humor in widowhood, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous

 

Even though the person who created this quote made a typo, I love this!

Many might say I have a sick sense of humor.  The truth is, Loren and I shared the same sense of humor.    Should I have passed first you can bet Loren would’ve came up with the 20 reasons about me.  Ha.  Fact.

At 3 years and 7 months out, I’m learning to look at life through new lenses.

Ah, the things I did for love and the things I did begrudgingly, as his help meet.

 

 

THUS, MY 20 REASONS WHY TO NEVER RE-MARRY!

1)   Never again must I need to wipe small splats of urine off the toilet rim.

2)  Never again must I need to bake chocolate chip cookies weekly.

3)  Never again must I need to be sure his Winco work shirts are perfectly clean.

4)  Never again must I need to perfectly match his socks.

5)  Never again must I make an emergency trip to the pharmacy to pick up his RX (that he was supposed to pick up the day before).

6)  Never again must I pick up toenail clippings that accidently missed the garbage can.

7)  Never again must I pick up a wadded piece of paper that didn’t hit the target.

8)  Never again must I sweep sawdust falling from the blue jeans and suspenders he had been wearing when outside cutting firewood.

9) Never again must I help a man who had side line businesses that include the wife helping him 5 – 10 hours each weekend.

10)  Never again must I tell him to get off Facebook during a “too-long” sermon at church.

11)  Never again must I ask him to stop playing his solitaire game when I wanted good conversation (while I was driving the Challenger on a Friday date night).

12)  Never again must I need to ask him what he’s thinking if he’s unusually quiet.

13)  Never again must I massage his back and shoulders until my arms and hands ache.

14)  Never again ………… wait a minute.  STOP!  I QUIT!

The truth is this fun little blog has suddenly become very sad.  Hot tears are now flowing.  I’d give anything to have our life back.

Want some wise advice?

  • Hang on tight to your loved one tonight.
  • Kiss him hard (no light pecks here and there).
  • Hug him tightly (none of those light pats on the back).
  • With your spouse, make love fervently.
  • Get caught up in the moment like it’s your last time (no half-hearted stuff here).

And, please don’t think I was his slave OR married to a lazy man.  On the contrary!  He worked 60 – 70 hours a week for Winco and then busted his tail for pleasure along with the projects we enjoyed.  As he slowed down towards his upcoming retirement, Loren did multiple little things for me.  We were having the time of our lives, lovin’ and playing hard those final 7 years.  No regrets!

P.S.      Yes, it’s true that I’m learning how to enjoy life in the present but I’d readily re-marry Loren again.

DREAMS and the RELATIONSHIP with the DEAD SPOUSE

Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, loving your deceased spouse

 

 

I like this quote. I’m not sure if my experiences exactly match this thought.

At 3 years and 6 months out, I feel hesitant to speak about my dreams and beliefs in an open forum.  Even though I have FINALLY adjusted to singleness, there is a beautiful struggle with the art of loving your spouse who has gone on before you. 

In a nutshell, I could say I still have a relationship with Loren, howbeit changed because he is physically absent.

 

I’ve frequently DREAMED OF HIM and have had SIX special dreams of Loren in heaven.  In these six vivid, detailed, colorful dreams I have seen: 

  • He, his father, and brother-in-law Max building houses. I’ve seen blueprints and the framework of the houses.  All three were doing physical labor and actively working together with no physical constraints.  In the two dreams I knew they were “preparing”.

 

  • Within 6 months of his passing I dreamed of Loren walking away, me seeing his backside only, with him holding two children, each one (maybe 2-4 years old) held high on each shoulder. I could not see the children’s faces or features. In the dream I was initially puzzled.  In the dream I suddenly realized he was carrying our two grandchildren who never grew enough in their mother’s wombs to be born full term! (After this dream, the intense deadening, desperate grief lessened in me…. I had grieved deeply how he, the avid grandfather, was missing out on the activities and growth of Olivia and Adeline…he also missing out on grandson Lincoln’s birth).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers, looking upward, as a worship service was occurring. Many angels were at the front of the huge area, as if on a platform, surrounding Jesus, who was standing.  The audience was worshiping and eagerly awaiting to hear Jesus speak. (Here on earth, Loren often expressed how he enjoyed worshiping by watching others worship).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers with his hands lifted straight up towards the sky, elbows not bent, all ten fingers spread wide open, as if he was screaming out his adoration to God in the deepest way he could. (There was no watching others.  He was intent.  Even wonderfully “lost”).
  • Loren standing in a meadow, the grass and flowers were chest height…. it was as if though he had been slowly meandering for a long time. He seemed to have this depth of calmness and serenity that I had never seen while living with him here on earth. I could see and feel he was deeply communing with God, as if he was listening to the details that the Spirit was telling him. (Loren staying still was atypical here on earth. Also the scene in the dream seemed to last for 10 minutes…).

I believe Loren is not dead.  OF COURSE, I know his physical body died.  Stopped.

 But LOREN is alive and well in a place called Heaven with Jesus and the throngs of others gone on before.  In fact, I believe he is more alive there than he ever was here on earth!   What a comfort.  What a joy!

I dare to say there are others of you who have had dreams and experiences after your loved ones have passed….

P.S.  I’ve also had dreams of him coming to me….but, those dreams are too special for me to share via an open forum.  And, yes, I’ve thought I have felt his presence in a room or in the car…especially during the first two years after his passing.  One of my daughters has had two dreams of him watching her and knowing things.  And yes, I’ve talked with my Dr about some of this…  my neurologist told me EVEN HIS MOTHER has experienced these types of things since his father passed away!

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

2013 summer at Jack's memorial serviceThis weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes.  Some changes bring relief.   Some changes hold sadness.   I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously.  That has not been my life story.  But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

  • I no longer cry every day.  Most days I am content, even happy.
  • I want to be included  when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me.  And liking the status of “just me”.
  • I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.
  • I have successfully read one  thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.
  • Should I accidently walk out  the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis.  I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

 

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

  • I am forgetting bits and pieces of him.  Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.
  • I’m learning memories are NOT enough.  It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say,  I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.
  • I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived  working hard.  We made a great team out here.  I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself.  A tough realization.
  • Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through?  I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses.  His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage.  He’s gone.  But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.
  • Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself.  It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia.  To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives.  Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

 

 

ECLIPSING. When the Sun and Moon Meet

Faith in God, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, unexpected things in life

As I’m outside at 10:02 a.m. this morning, taking a reprieve from stacking firewood, I’m noticing how a shadow is moving in.  Crickets are sounding as if it’s twilight.  Temperatures are dropping.  Where the sunlight should be peeking through the trees, shadows are merging.  And suddenly the sun is a hot, bright flame bearing down on me. I dare not look towards the sun.  All before complete darkness.

And I’m experiencing this momentous event alone.  Without him. But, I’ve chosen to experience the total eclipse by myself.  At our ranch.  Now inside my bedroom.  In silence.  With contemplation.

I smile, knowing good and well that for 28 months Loren has been experiencing awesome adventures in heaven without me!  Knowing he has been witnessing glorious scenes and being introduced to fathomless, unimaginable things while living in Heaven, where Jesus Himself and the angels dwell.

So, it’s OK.  All is well for this moment.  Who knows, maybe the saints in heaven are watching the sun and moon pass each other this morning?

That’s a happy thought!Loren & Julia  Maybe we are sharing this moment together?  He, from heaven.  Me, from earth!  All while darkness settles in around me.  Temporarily.

And most of all I am wondering, am I the only one who could feel that odd gravitational pull?

Maybe Loren felt that same gravitational pull as he left his earthly body that Tuesday morning.  With me.  In our bedroom.  At dawn.   The morning he left his physical body was just the beginning of his never-ending adventures in eternity!  I’m giddy with happiness for him!

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbands

IMG_0664 (1)I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one.  Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people.  Single and married adults.  I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either! 

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses.  Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.
  • It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.
  • It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies  acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were  “blurring boundaries”. 

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up.   Now I do have a leg to stand on.  Today I have  28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my  friends…some, casual acquaintances:

  • We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.
  • We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions.  We understand and do not feel offended!
  • Just because I am a Christian lady does not  mean you shouldn’t pay attention.
  • When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.
  • You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal.  And correct.  So full of wisdom.  You are his help-meet.  Regularly and fervently tending  to your garden.
  • We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.
  • Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend.  Your man’s #1 confidant.  If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP!   SPEAK UP!  Don’t become helpless!
  • Wives, fight for your marriages!  We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

 

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in.  Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines.  All the while doing it God’s way.

DECIDING IF I SHOULD ATTEND A FUNERAL and NO LONGER SINGING AT FUNERALS

attending funerals, Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, widowhood

Another kind man has died too young from a freak accident.  A local,  who has helped me out  since Loren’s passing, because that’s the kind of man he was.  Not only do I feel sick because of the loss, I feel sick because I know what his wife is feeling and what she will continue to face.

You may not know, 25 years ago I was hired by three funeral homes in Salem.  For a period of five years I weekly sang and played at multiple funeral’s.  Even though I was providing a professional service I often cried in compassion as I sang for families.  Strangers.  Yet I somehow felt their pain. Or maybe it was the pain I imagined I would feel if it was me sitting on that front row….. ……………………?

6DG_3857

I don’t foresee myself  singing at funerals again.  My life has changed.  I’ve sat on that front row.

I’ve attended two funerals since my husband’s service, 26 months ago.  One service was for Loren’s aunt.  Another service was for a lifelong friend.  Both elderly women.

I came away from those two services feeling content:

  • Content to see friends and loved ones I hadn’t seen recently.
  • Content to honor the loved one and happy to show the family my support by my presence.
  • Content because I remembered how meaningful it was when many people attended my loved one’s service.

But I also came away from those two services heartbroken.  Both times it took me 7 – 10 days to get my feet back on the ground emotionally:

  • Being at a funeral unleashed my personal sorrow again.
  • Being at a funeral immediately transported me back to my first week of Loren’s death.  That unrelentless tunnel.  Also, that painful yet comforting blur at his service.
  • Being at a funeral unleashed the compassion in me, yet to my demise…. for my grief was fresh enough that I cared too much, cared too strong….I couldn’t distance myself emotionally.

After attending the services of aunt Nadine and Merry Berry, I spoke out to my children saying, “I’m not sure I will attend another funeral unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

So, I will have to decide if I will attend the service for Merle this Sunday afternoon.

“God, give me wisdom in these matters.  To not selfishly protect myself.   But wisely care for myself in this grief journey.  Amen.”

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgFirst up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together.  Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy,  hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts.  Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting.  Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come.  For me to grow.  For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

 THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

  • I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
  • I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
  • At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

 

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

  • Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
  • I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
  • I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
  • I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

 

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching.  We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home.  We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

  • We became intentional close friends.  Buddies.  Best friends.
  • We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
  • We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
  • And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so.  He told me so.  Often.
  • And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year.  As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision.  Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again.  Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

 If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract.  As an abstract painting.   Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”.  But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions.  This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind.  How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together.  How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence.  All as if there were no tomorrow.  All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed.  Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him.  We had learned to vacation within our home.  We had learned to let the world slip by.  No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God.  Not lost ~  but certainly by myself.  (But I still wonder if our loved ones  in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).