Category Archives: identifying positive things

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

2013 summer at Jack's memorial serviceThis weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes.  Some changes bring relief.   Some changes hold sadness.   I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously.  That has not been my life story.  But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

  • I no longer cry every day.  Most days I am content, even happy.
  • I want to be included  when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me.  And liking the status of “just me”.
  • I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.
  • I have successfully read one  thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.
  • Should I accidently walk out  the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis.  I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

 

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

  • I am forgetting bits and pieces of him.  Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.
  • I’m learning memories are NOT enough.  It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say,  I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.
  • I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived  working hard.  We made a great team out here.  I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself.  A tough realization.
  • Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through?  I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses.  His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage.  He’s gone.  But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.
  • Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself.  It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia.  To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives.  Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

 

 

My THREE newest DISCOVERIES and CIRCLES

Death, Family, friendships, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgIt took my husband’s passing away to open new discoveries in my life.  I now see I was willingly locked, by love and commitment, in to sharing and living my life with him.  At 27 ½ months out, I’m still walking through “the valley”  but I now can pick the wild flowers and lay down in the lush grass along my journey.

While driving to Salem this past Friday morning I had an unexpected “ah ha” moment. You know, those periodic moments where the mind and heart, together, reveal a new truth.

With a rush of dark sadness and a few minutes of hot, torrential tears I realized the following……

“IT TOOK MY HUSBAND’S PASSING FOR ME TO DISCOVER…………………..”

  To discover:

  • New friends! Because I’ve attended Grief Share since 4 months out, I’ve made forever friendships with 10 specific ladies.  We get together monthly for a meal.  We attend each other’s children’s special occasions. All of us are walking “the road”. Some having entered the journey earlier than me.  But all of us forging ahead.
  • New adventures! I’ve just now returned from a fabulous weekend away at a beach house with these same girlfriends.  We successfully crossed the threshold of remaining close friends after spending 48 plus hours together!  (In the past I would’ve NEVER gone away for a weekend with 10 girlfriends….undoubtedly, Loren would’ve been MY first choice, in a motel room with lots of fun and romance at the beach).
  • New freedoms! I like not having “to share” day in and day out. That sounds selfish, but it’s the truth.   (Oh, how I miss that life with him!  But I’m alone.  And it’s healthy for me to embrace being alone.)

“It took my husband’s passing away to discover…….”

Today my heart is full of deep sadness knowing it took Loren’s passing for new, good people to come my way.  Today my heart is full of happiness and contentment for I know these ladies who would run to my side if I needed them.

Oh, and btw, TWO of those TEN “Grief Share girlfriends” were my friends when I was young!

Donna:  5 years younger than me, grew up on an adjoining farm, went to the same church,  ~ a close friend of my sister, Janelle, and her mother was also a friend of my mom!

Eileen:  a girl I met at Bible camp in Middle School.  In High School my sister, Jean, and I attended the same private High School together with Eileen.  We three were very close friends and have silly, silly life stories under our belts!

 We lived our own separate lives within a 50 mile radius.

That is, until death, grief, and loss reconnected me with them…all ending up together at Grief Share meetings in Dallas, Oregon.  WHO WOULD’VE KNOWN !

Circles.  Re-connection.  As the song from THE LION KING movie says,  “It’s the circle, the circle of life!”  The circle of friendship.  Re-born from loss and death.

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgFirst up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together.  Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy,  hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts.  Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting.  Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come.  For me to grow.  For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

 THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

  • I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
  • I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
  • At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

 

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

  • Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
  • I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
  • I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
  • I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

 

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching.  We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home.  We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

  • We became intentional close friends.  Buddies.  Best friends.
  • We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
  • We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
  • And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so.  He told me so.  Often.
  • And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

FEELING GOD for the 1st TIME

Faith in God, Grief, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous

6DG_3857For the past 22 months I have not felt God.   For the past 22 months I have not felt His presence. I’m sure He’s been there all the while but grief had numbed me.  I have worshipped out of sheer choice.  Sheer determination.

That is until 3 Sundays ago.  When I felt God for the 1st time!  When the windows of Heaven slid open.  Again!

Since his passing I’d been faithful  in going to church even though it would’ve been easier to have stayed at home, to hibernate….to not place myself in one more uncomfortable social setting where I’d be forced to face my loss.   I’d been faithful in believing God to be faithful towards me.  I have stayed on the straight and narrow out of sheer will power along with my memory of God’s goodness towards me in past times.

When Loren died a part of me died….a vast desert awaited for me.

Until…THaT Sunday!  The Sunday that I had a vivid awareness that my soul was awakening.  The Sunday when I had a vivid awareness that life was returning to me, in me.

I still grieve for my loss but I now feel God near me, as I had prior to his passing.  I covet God’s presence. Sensing God’s presence is precious.  Simply priceless because…..

  • It gives me renewed hope that God watches out for the widow
  • It gives me increased courage knowing that He is with me
  • It gives me a type of tangible proof that He will go with me and before me in life
  • It gives me a sign, even a landmark, when I felt that God remembered me on that specific day
  • It gives me encouragement that God will still use me for His glory in this phase of my life

Because I now know what it feels like to not recognize God’s presence, should I have a friend who loses a loved one~  I know how I will pray….  I will pray they will once again feel God.  That is, to once again feel God’s presence.

 For God’s presence is gold.  Priceless gold.

 “So, God, my earnest prayer today is to never let me be foolish to live in such a way where You could not dwell in me, inhabit me.  For that would surely be death and more sorrow, again.  I’ve tasted the death and sorrow.  I’m tasting tidbits of renewed life.  I need life. I choose life.  With and in You.”

TAXES & DEATH CERTIFICATES & SUCH

Death, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

This tax season I am no longer a widow.  Thankfully I had that 1st year where the government recognized me as a widow to help me slowly adjust to those taxable changes, the tax adjustments, the decrease in deductions I could use.  This tax season I am being taxed as a single.  The first time in my life paying taxes as a single person.

And, last week I had to once again produce another death certificate for a business transaction.   I foresee having to prove his death in more situations as they show themselves.  You’d think this would come to an end after 22 months.

As I’ve had to continue producing death certificates I’ve discovered:

  • It no longer bothers me to read his death certificate. For the most part, I read the death certificate as I would read any other document.  In my mind his death certificate is associated with all things related to finances and legalities.
  • Reading the death certificate somehow solidifies, even cements, THAT day ~ that landmark in time, those 5 hours in our home when he passed away quickly, when the EMT’s worked on him, when the coroner arrived, when my daughters and I said our goodbyes on that bedroom floor for 3 ½ hours, when Brenna sang from the grand piano when the funeral directors took his body from our home out to the van, watching them take his body down the driveway, and then away.
  • As he seems to fade in my life, those death certificates are a wonderful reminder that I was his wife. I love to see my name on that death certificate.  Death certificates.  Confirming a solemn, life changing event. Julia 56 years old. February 2014

 I’m also not bothered receiving mail that may have his name on it.  In fact, I somehow enjoy seeing mail addressed to him.

  • It brings a comfort, another reminder that he and I had shared our life.
  • It puts perspective in to my life. He and I had shared our finances. We were attached.
  • We were recognized as an entity ~ together. I wish it could stay that way forever…….

 

…and those letters of advertisement and pieces of random mail can keep coming…with his name alone or ours together posted on the envelope.  I’m not ready for them to stop.  When they completely stop I for sure will most certainly feel alone.

MY 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, Marriage, Miscellaneous
This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Since his death, I’ve found myself becoming more like Loren. Is it my way of compensating for the loss?  Is it because it’s my way of keeping his memory alive?  Is it new additional strength arising in me?

Loren was the ultimate dreamer. An optimist.  At times he had called me the pessimist.  I would immediately shoot back verbally, telling him I was the realist between the two, to help him keep his feet on the ground, to be his balancing counterpoint.

At 21 ¾ months out I’ve found myself listening to the talk radio shows he’d listen to when driving truck.  I’ve found myself reading more news articles to keep myself updated with current events ~ he was the one who kept me abreast with world- wide news.  I’ve found myself reading more articles on the Dow Jones and financial forecasts.

 I’ve found myself rising up to the challenge, new challenges……stepping up to the plate, new plates…..and taking the bull by the horns when I absolutely must. But, I still don’t like bulls and I don’t like horns.

Even though I feel the negatives of being single very much outweigh the positives, I am learning there are positives to being a single lady.

Thus, MY LIST of  10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE:

  • I don’t have to cook and bake, unless I want to.
  • I don’t need to shave my legs as often. Who cares if I have prickly legs?
  • I have complete control of the TV remote in our bedroom suite.
  • I can be a bed hog.
  • If I wanted to, I could wear footie PJ’s to bed.
  • I don’t have to share counter space in the Master bath.
  • I have the entire closet space available to myself.
  • I have complete control in the office…arranging the files how I prefer, arranging the desk top to what works best for me.
  • When it comes to using debit cards, ATM’s, and credit cards, it’s far easier to stay abreast of exact dollar amounts in such accounts.
  • …………………………… well, I was wrong, I can’t think of 10 positives of being single.

 

BUT I AM HAPPY I CAN IDENTIFY 9 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE!  Being able to identify 9 positives is monumental!

“So, dear Lord.  Thank you for helping me forge ahead.  Happy times.  Sad times.  Bright times.   Dark times.  In all and through all of them, I know You are with me.”